Texas Fold Em

I doubt there's anyone on the planet other than me that would have thought to do this. But being bored and a lblt drnk I siz graa and

Wait a sec. Not thank drunk yet. That will have to wait until tonight's New Year celebration.

I know the pretty picture doesn't tell the full story. But this can be duplicated by myself or any lame ass so called poker pro that ever wore a Full Tilt shirt, hat or pair of underpants. And believe me, I will do it again.

3rd place on all four tables of a Full Tilt matrix tourney. Positive free money cash flow. And I only called one hand. Everything else was a check or fold.

Now let's think about the math a second.

Can you say aggresive AI?

Shame on you all poker players with your poker clothing. You're no better tbhan Tom Cruise helping a human rights abusing cult get away with destroying thousands of lives.

Breaking the Rules

Just like in the Judas Priest song

There are tables completely wasting.
No one raised a hand.
Time to get these fishes basting
as I switch to cable on demand.

Feel as though nobody cares
If I win or lose.
So I'll use my admin skills
to break some of the rules!!

Breakin' the rules Breakin' the rules
Breakin' the rules Breakin' the rules

So there you have it. Yet another rule break. Or actually two.

I toughed out a two table game and made it to the final table. Just so I could get the pretty picture of how observer chat is blocked so you can't rant about the bullshit. And it went quick enough that I decided to masohcisitcally go for another. Which lead to another minor rule break.

Today's facts are:
1) No time bank usage after two games bringing us up to 6 total after pointing out that it has happened for months.
2) My observer chat is blocked despite someone else under similar circumstances not being blocked.
3) No English only Nazis appear after a wealth of Spanish chat which only started on the final table. Before that it was a chat yawnfest. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Butkus.
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I like to play Civilization II- The Test of Time. And after countless hours of experience I've got it down to a fine art. And, just like Microsoft Hearts I've noticed that the program has decided that you will get bored if you win all the time. So it cheats. Your production and city dweller happiness is less capable than your opponents. And they are allowed to crank up Judas Priest a lot louder than I can.

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Think about the things beyond the cards and bad beats.
Naming yourself
Time Bank rules
Language Nazis
Getting disconnected on that critical hand
etc....
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Sorry I couldn't be funnier tonight, but I have to take care of the dog.

Itty the Kid's Gang is Branching Out

Let's discuss tonight's table as if no paranormal interference had occured. We have one position that had to change Grandma's IV drip, got lost and upon his return didn't realize that three sevens pretty much sucks as a low hand on 7-2 lowball. Feeding the pot to someone, obviously not me therefore I'm short stacked. And I'm not talking in the happy bellyful pancake way.

As always being very cautious (I always wear a condom when I play) I fold a million hands and when I finally make my first raise the other players don't pause for a second and think, "Whoa! This dudes been folding - maybe he actually has a hand!" I'm called, win and I'm back in the running.

Time goes by, and I navigate myself to a final 3 where 2 spots pay out and it's anyone's ball game. Except the Cubs. They suck. And not in the happy bellyful of 7-11 Slurpee way.

Tired of the game one of the 3 bows out by going all-in and posts that he's got another tour to do - i.e. another game. Despite the fact that it hurts me I press on and eventually take my first number one finish in ages. Yeah me! The endorphins are already kicking in! I can sleep tonight without love doll sex as a happy person!

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Now, let's examine the game from a rigged poker point of view.

Yeah, right. Someone logged in, drank an entire bottle of Jager and fed someone other than me. No, you realize by my chips available that I'm skillful and need to level the playing field by making yourself a sacrificial lame. For the third consecutive table there's no time bank usage after my pointed commentary on how this has changed faster than a greased bunny. (Which will be cooked and eaten later since my cat meat supply is gone.) Then #3 has the audacity to post a parting shot in chat as an observer. "I gotta be somewhere else." Then fucking sit out.

Wait a second. When I get chetated, which happens on almost a daily basis I like to post a parting shot about the non-random cards. Universally I'm met with a message about observer chat being blocked. How did you do that? Didn't you just kinda break a rule?

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The real answer is supernaturally sinister.

Da Da Da DAAAAAA!!!

The NO CHANCE KID has taken up some side jobs working on his own away from the gang. Go back a few days and you'll see how my crack team of investigators exposed that No feeds the pot without any intention of winning. His other tour was viewing this blog and looking on how to score with hot Asian chicks to steal my moment of happiness!

Bastard.

All right No, steal this - I'm going to watch Woody Allen's "What's Up Tiger Lily?" Big time hot Asian chicks and funnier than your pathetic attempts at making Internet poker look for real.

More Race Table Nonsense

I was disappointed but not surprised that I was met with my second consecutive PokerStars table without a single second of time bank usage. I checked my coffe cans in the shed and my rainy day time bank is still there. Now, if it would only rain.

Oddly, this table was the first in weeks without a single pre-flop raise through the first 50 hands. And considering how much I play and the established betting values (i.e. extremely aggressive) of the competition this makes me raise my Spock eyebrow and proclaim the illogicalnessitivity (real word.) Me and my crack team of dead cat makers (me, the dog and some anti-freeze) have noticed that you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a table that has a ton of irrational pre-flop raising. I thought that maybe Itty and the gang were starting to steal pre-flop raising. Then the more sinister realization hit me.

Da Da Da DAAAAAAA!!

The dead are stealing my screenshots! Surely if I don't have any hard evidence to post I will go away. I checked my screen shot bank I keep in a box of Arm and Hammer's baking powder in the fridge, and sure enough, it was running low. (So that's what the smell was. And I thought it was all the dead cats.)

As a friendly reminder to Internet Poker I let CityPoker percolate a couple of weeks between log ins. And immediately I'm met with a table that just doesn't make any mathematical sense. 10k buy. One position over 500k. Another over 200k. And a couple of rookies that managed to improve a little bit. It's looking like this blog gets more traffic than City does.

Wait a second. Percolate. Coffee. Coffee cans in my shed. My time I saved!

(Insert dramatic pause for effect.)
Da Da Da DAAAAAA!!!!

My time bank coffee can funds have been stolen! Lesson learned. Use it or lose it. Especially since this might annoy my opponents and help the screenshot fund.

DISCLAIMER - No cats have really been killed and swung around. We love cats here at the Big Lay Down. A little oregano, a little thyme, cooked at 350 degrees for four hours. The meat just melts off the bones.

An Entire PokerStars Sitter with no Time Bank Usage!

I warned you, so don't say I didn't. My very next game after revealing the dire nature of the ghostly underworld stealing our time banks had no time bank usage. A not paranoid person might tend to think that the most vocal crfitic of internet poker on the planet had his blog read by the site he's playing on and made some adjustments. Yet after much Starbucks espresso and countless minutes (not understanding math I never got beyond "3") me and the crack team of paranormal researchers have unearthed a new member of the gang.

BERNIE MADEOFF WITHYOURTIMEBANK.

Just like Australian crime lords still operating their illegal kangaroo and koala taxidermy operations from a jail cell, Bernie is making off with time like a wildman.

Surely this is a more logical explanation than going weeks/months with time bank abuse galore then all of a sudden it dries up.

Me and my crack team of time economists (me, the dog, and Ben Timebernake) are concerned that a double dip time recession is looming. US baby boomer time banks are already critically low. If anymore time is lost to theivery, we may not have enough time to do things that require time. Like actually going through a registration process, reading our emails and legitimately logging into a poker site.

Now, I have a secret, so don't let ANYONE know this. I have a jar of pennies and two coffe cans filled with time in my shed. So far I've kept this treasure trove away from Itty's prying eyes and psychic powers. I think it may be all the caffeine. Or maybe fear of my 100 piece Australian taxidermy collection. Or maybe fear of hot Asian chicks. Only time will tell.

Da da da DAAAAAA!

Or will it???

The Legend of Itty - Part II

Stupid me. I've thought for so long that the inconsistent way the time bank was administered by PokerStars was just another way to cheat real people. Rigging a hand takes some time, so this would be a perfect way to make sure that the river turns up the most embarrassing bad beat possible.

You can't swing a dead cat on PokerStars without hitting on someone who uses the time bank on the first hand. One would tend to think that bodily functions and necessary things like checking Grandma's IV drip and breakfast would be settled BEFORE you register for a game. I've been annoyed by what I thought was people registering, waiting until the table(s) is/are filled and then they say to themselves, "OK, the game has started! Time to take the dog for a walk!"

The real reason is much more sinister. Two consecutive games - first COBB uses all his 45 second time bank on the first hand. The action gets to enrafels and after the first warning on needing to make a move the hand is folded with no time bank. Next game, yet another position with no time bank ticking away.

This lead me and my crack team of paranormal researchers (me, the dog and the Sta-Puft Marsmallow Man) to do some investigation at great personal expense. That Starbucks espresso is not free.

The real explanation for what is going on is:

(Que up scary music)
Da da da DAAAAAAA!

The dead are robbing our time banks!

You might think your time bank is secure. But you're never protected from a ghost performing a daring time bank heist.

What my team unearthed is mind boggling.

Da da da DAAAAAAA!

Itty the Kid - we all thought that bullet in the back of the micrprocessor was the end. But he's got the gang back together.

JAMES JESSE - notorious for switching your alarm to pm instead of am and making you late for work.
BUTCH RAISEDY - on record for stealing more batteries from clocks than any outlaw in history.
NO CHANCE KID - never wins a hand of poker and feeds the pot, but is great at stealing precious moents in your life like scoring with that hot Asian chick.
LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS - not dead like the others, but when we checked last his career was dead. Also masks his true identity by going under the aliases of Lou Spade Phillips, Lou Heart Phillps, Lou Club Phillips and Jennifer Garner.

The reason you don't see Jennifer Garner in movies anymore is because

Da da da DAAAAAA!

supernatural identity theft and her time bank was stolen!

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Itty and the gang of ghost riders have been operating from beyond the grave stealing time banks and forcing people to make bad Nick Cage movies for decades. Their insatiable appetite for time has made an indelible mark on history. Cutting the red wire on the bomb should have been done at the 5 minute mark, but instead it's cut with one or two seconds left. Millions of would be good Samaritans have been asked for help and find themselves saying, "Sorry, I just don't have the time." Millions of others have been asked a question by a starnger, "Hey buddy, do you have the time?" And now the answer is, "No. Itty and the gang stole it."

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I am now at peace. The reason for the rule break is now explained in a completely rational and logical manner. After stressing about this for so long I can finally eat my first decent meal in five days. I wanted to make my favorite comfort food but

Da da da DAAAAAAAA!

I just don't have the thyme.

Damn you Itty.

That explains the extra traffic

Dave's World said...
You are my new hero. The "Randy Moss waived by Poker Stars" was good enough by itself - but your views on this rigged shit fest they call on-line poker are spot on. Oh - and the pics are very nice.

Love the fact that these sites rely on the prestigious Kahwanee Indian Tribe as the chief (pun intended) regulator of their sites. Who could not trust a tribe that is paid by the sites to host the servers??? I think they are paying us all back for taking their land away and giving them small pox. - I 'm sorry already - please make poker legit.

AND - why in the fok are no sites competing on the basis of being the most legitimate. It is the number one issue in on-line poker and there isn't a single site that wants to grab the market as the one that is most assured of not being rigged (e.g., by offering independent audits of all hand histories, peer reviews, etc - etc).

Oh - but our RNG has been audited. Yeah - so were Enron and Worldcoms books. The fact that some nit audited the RNG doesn't mean that it is the same one they are using to rob us. Can you imagine going to a gas station - paying for a full gallon of gas and only getting half that and the attendant telling you - well the pump has been audited. Oh - my mistake then. How embarassing.

Every time I offer my hand data I get the obligatory it's too small (that cuts a little close to my dating life) to be valid. They say this despite already knowing that no one single player is going to have a data base that is large enough. Who has the hand data that would be sufficient enough to attest to the honesty of the game - oh = it's the poker sites. Who won't release the data to be reviewed - yup, the sites.

So thank you for your blog - was a breast of fresh air. I just want to conclude with this poetic thought.

Fok you Full Tilt and fok your rig infested, bot run, bad beat. non-random horror of a poker site. Fok you for ruining a hobby that I love you greddy cheating bastards may you and Bernie Madoff one day share the same seat in the bowels of hell. Thank you for you foking cash out curses - for rewarding just horrible foking play which now infests what was my only solace - live poker. Fok you for making me want to choke to death every human being that utters the phrases - pokerstove, range, Poker Tracker and HUD. I only hope that one day the good ole USA legalizes this so I can shop for an honest vendor to host what is obviously an addiction.

Thank you girl for your blog - a great read!!!!

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The evolution of this blog -

I had a friend that was getting cheated. A famous argument resulted in six years of undercover work. Finally after admitting I was right this friend set up the blog so I could share my stories. Surely there must be others out there that have experienced the same inconsistencies.

The blog got off to a slow start. I was posting way too many whiny and angry rants that mimicked the typical player. The bad beats, the lack of random cards and so on. But as posted so often, I'm a bit different. My powers of observation are off the chart. I could have been a police detective if I wanted.

The next advance in the blog was recording the things outside the play of the cards. Simply because this is not expected. When one gets cheated at MicroSoft Hearts, you typically don't even consider putting any effort into cracking the code or trying to find the programmer and sending a ninja hit team to get revenge. Time permitting you just quit the game and start another one.

The next advance was utilization of my superpower of the most bizarre and random and spontaneous sense of humor on the planet. Mix in a few running jokes about my crack committee (me and the dog) and Jarah and a couple of others.

Finally, where we're at today. The humor has been refined to include current events, still make my point about the bogus play and blow off some steam.

There have been precious few comments added to my posts. I don't care. This is for my amusement and I'm not searching for any critical acclaim. However, going back to my November 16th post and seeing Dave's comments I did have a warm and fuzzy feeling for about 45 seconds.

Friends, family and an expanding circle around them - I've convinced somewhere around 50 people that they are wasting their time and money on Internet poker. Dave is the first commentator on this blog (I think) that let me know he's read it, amused by it, loves that hot Asian chicks and is fed up with getting cheated.

One minor mistake, dude. I'm a guy that loves hot Asian chicks. Not a girl. And if you haven't read the story of Itty the Kid do so. It's some of my best work and has me up for the Blogitzer Prize for best poker blog post of the year.

Naturally I will win a year's supply of Ben and Jerry's.

Math is our Friend

Well, speak for yourselves. At least I kniow math is my friend. My Dad was a math teacher by trade. I'm an accountant by trade. Math is something that I bump up against every day, even though I haven't returned any phone calls for more than two years.

I distinctly remember my first encounter with math. Rainy day, tormenting the family cat became old and I settled into playing with some blocks. As a youngster when eating, crapping and sleeping where the foremost things on my mind I had these blocks on the living room carpet. Sesame Street was on, but the count was way too scary and my crying jag forced Mom to put the vodka bottle down and turn it off. However, the seed had been planted. The Count counts stuff.

Holy shit. There are two red blocks and one yellow block! That means there are twice as many red blocks! From that day on I used math as much as possible.

Math became a daily part of life from then on. Second piece of chicken Xenu? You said "second!!" That's one more than one. Goddammit this math shit is cool!

As a shy and awkward teenager I did court math briefly. Mathy did not like my advances as she was dating physics at the time. After getting beaten up by physics on the school parking lot I gave math a break for a while. Although to this day I swear if Coulomb's Law hadn't gotten the drop on me in the locker room I might have had some happinessw. Magnetic attraction and distance squared. I will get even with you. I don't know how, I don't know when, but trust me. You will pay.

Math and I exchaqnged Christmas cards for the next several years before falling out of touch. I did search her out on the internet and believe me that tight pink sweater has haunted me.

Then came PokerStars.

The private investigator that got me the pink sweater pics let me know that Coulomb's Law had become drinking buddies with PokerStars. This explains a lot. There are so many tables where the play is not to improve yourself, but the play is to make me lose.

Thank God for mathturbation. I don't know how I'd ever get over these ridculous race tables without it. Mathive raising. Someone that has a mathive amount of chipth. So money losers that aren't looking to amath chips. No mathodical attempt to grow.

Beautiful White, Black And Ocean Great High Quality Wallpapers

Alina Puscau different style

Ali Larter's Pic in white dress

Ali Larter's Pic in white dress

The Internet Poker Legend of Itty the Kid

We're all familiar with the story. Itty the Kid was shot in the back of the microprocessor while holding aces and eights on a meaningless free money game. To me, the story has special significance. Think of it as the Internet Poker version of "The Princess Bride." With a terrible case of Internet flu I was stuck in bed and Grandpa came over and read me the story.

He explained to me that some of the words may seem a bit strange. This was because Itty was just a piece of artificial intelligence that craved to be a real human without that nose growing nonsense. So, anywhere the letters "man" would normally appear the letters "it" are substituted.

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Itty was born into a poor family of sharecroppers and power surges by his parents Eituel and Roita Siliconia in Oit. Eituel was a foreit on a team of hackers and Roita sold humorous greeting cards to tourists at the roadside. This did not suit Itty's dreams, He dreamed to be eitcipated from this provincial life. He was adaitt to escape, whatever the cost.

"One day," Itty said, "I will be the chairit of the biggest Internet poker corporation on the planet! I will wear Ariti suits, eat iticootti every day and raise exotic iticores on a magical island!"

Sadly for Itty, this was not something he could easily do itually by himself. But the Gods approved of Itty's spirit and sent a magical messenger to him in the shape of an itatee.

The itatee tested Itty's resolve. "How wouldst thoust prove thy mettle? What measures are you willing to take?"

Itty's reaction was instant, "I would walk through the Itila itgrove Swamps of Death and face the itdibles of all its denizens to learn the secrets of Internet poker!"

The magic itatee (named Itny, naturally) told Itty what he must do:

"You musteth travel to the land of Katitdu. There you musteth seek the magic shait and deitd that he teach you the ittra that will unlock the secret of acheiving non-random cards."

After intense training which included a ton of itual labor regarding the shait's car wax job, Itty was given a 7th degree black belt, a toaster oven and two tickets to a Blue It Group show.

"At last! I can now itipulate the cards! I am Rainit and I don't even need Tom Cruise's help! Free money chips will abound!"

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And in Itty's first table he got the aces and eights, a bullet to the back of the microprocessor and with his last electron realized:

No it is an island. (Other than the one just southwest of the border of the Roit Empire.) Itty would never be a huit. He'd been had.

Because Internet poker is just iture.

Don't post something reserchable

I thought "it's only free money" was going to be the lamest excuse ever for raising, but we've now topped the charts with new stuff. Bogus weather posts. Slam a bottle of Boone's Farm Whine and get ready for this. Say this in your whiniest American Princess voice -

"Oh, I'm sorry I got disconnected, there's East Coast Storms."

So when I finally reconnect I have an excuse to raise. I'm scared of my bedbug infestation. I'm scared of Dexter being discontinued with the pending divorce of Michael Hall and Jennifer Carpenter. I'm scared of the goldfish zombie I flushed down the toilet. But by golly, I'm gonna make sure I connect again and make sure I get my minimum daily allowance of raising(MDAOR) in!.

Me and my crack team of meteorologists (me and the dog) checked the weather on the east coast. You were typing in English so it's a fair assumption your in the US. A blizzard and bitter cold is in our near future, but it pretty much looks like there's no rain there. Perhaps you left the water sprinklers on since August and you haven't realized it?

Disconnecting, spending huge amounts of time including the time bank have been a mainstay of PokerStars repertoire of pretending to make it look for real.

In the mean time - seven consecutive tables finishing in the money despite the bullshit.

My First Poker

Really? And what does that mean, exactly? Are you claiming this is your first game ever? Are you bragging about nailing four fives? Is it a gay sex reference? Call John Travolta.

This bungo pony did post some Spanish which naturally was not challenged by the English only Nazis. So I'm a little bit swayed to think it's innocent. And yet 10 1/2 years of experience makes the bullshit meter active.

OK. Let's examine the first option. My first poker ever. It's a 2k buy in game and you only start with 1k after regging. And you have one of those stars on your avatar. I haven't figured out what they mean, but there's a high degree of bogusness from starred players.

I hope you're satisfied with yourselves. I ran out of Asian hottie pics and had to waste 15 minutes loading up new ones. Hornswoop me.

Free Big Laydown Tshirts to the first 100 responders that understand the music reference.

Diddle me this Batman

What separates The Big Lay Down from other negative critics is the exposure of things beyond the bogus card play. With a minor time investment any player looking to get into this with the checkbook open should raise an eyebrow and say WTF?

They're certainly not going to install an update and fix the naming registration, so like finding the daily race table I can do this forever.

Break out your dictionary. Pick out any innocuos word. Try to create an account. I'll betcha it didn't work and you have to be egret55 instead of egret because some bird lover already took it.

The naming yourself reg rules do have one criteria - it has to be at least four characters. So, let me try the innocuos "how?" or "why?" or "what?" Hey that's five characters, nobody takes that as a screen name.

OK, let's kick it up a notch. Well, "diddle" is surely taken. So let's name myself "diddle?" Why am I not surprised that this has been taken?

It's not real money

Of course it's not real money. It's me logging in to make you look stupid.

Thank you.

Random cards? No.

I'm supposed to call and lose? Yes.

Did I do it? No.

When I played on Absolute Pokerf and folded with crap they had the audacity to pop in a position named "FACKINCHICKEN." You're not losing fast enough. Get with the program. I have real teenagers ready to steal the parents credit card and play to impress! If you win a hand at free money games they might just give up and try something stupid like watering the lawn, cleaning the garage or taking a nap.

There's an infinitecal (real word) things you can do with your life other than raising on Internet poker. AI doesn't have to worry about winning or losing.