Due to the lack of serious play the Meese Commission has done a painstaking and expensive study on the fundamentals. Our children are being raised to eat themselves into obesity, play violent video games and bullying the nerd that sits next to them into doing their math homework. As a public service, we here at the Big Lay Down have dedicated the better part of 15 minutes to remind us of the basics of poker. What is a good hand? OK we'll tell ya.
HIGH CARD -
The Megatronic 3000 Model D3X (my Commodore 64) reports that the Ace is the highest card in poker and many other non-poker related card games. It was invented in France in 1434 AD when the King just wasn't cutting it. In general, although Aces are Smokin' (bonus points to you if you get the movie reference) they often are not enough to win on their own.
ONE PAIR -
As the Internet Poker card divorce rate is now a whopping 71% the pair is a dying breed. Put two cards in a deal together and it's a given they will just start to drive each other nuts. If the pair can stick out the marriage long enough "for the sake of the children" they will beat high card. Then there will be a painful divorce and assets traded to the cheating whore and....well, I'm not bitter.
TWO PAIR
The two pair is a result of a failed one pair marriage where the king, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, is in his 40's and picks up a twenty something trophy wife. Despite Viagra the bedroom gymnastics are pretty dull. So, the couple goesx to a bar and after a major cash exchange pick up a 30 year old couple for some swapping.
THREE OF A KIND
After the murder of the weakest link in the wife swapping the three remaining members of the new friendship go on a Thelma and Louise style killing spree. They find common ground and search out two pairs and beat them to death with rusty kitchen utensils.
THE STRAIGHT
We're no getting into the really good stuff - some hands that have some power. A staright is 5 connected cards. They are great unless you are playing pansy poker where Queens are wild and straights don't count.
THE FLUSH
5 cards of the same suit. Awesome. But beware of cheaters. There has been times when people have tried to cheat with, say, 4 diamonds and one heart. These brigands are called four flushers. And their ancestors are fore-flushers.
FULL HOUSE
Also called the Full Boat. The House version is more popular because it evokes happy memories of cute little Olsen twins while the boat version brings memories of Haitians dying in droves on makeshift rafts.
FOUR OF A KIND
Four guys that will do anything for each other. Especially deleting the porn from the computer of the one that died.
STRAIGHT FLUSH/ROYAL FLUSH
Pretty much a lock other when playing on the internet. There's some crazy shit going on out there.
And the best hand of all ever. The Mega Pair, as featured by this bikini clad lovely. You gotta admit - that's one fucking mega pair.
Where's my Kleenex?
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