Our Old Friend Absolute Poker

I must apologize to you as it has been several years since I bothered wasting my life on you. Your tournament blackjack has provided many happy memories of unbelievably stupid card play. So as another Noreaster is about to blow into town, and bored with PokerStars (trust me guys - only temporary) I get back to you.

Now, I like a refreshing adult beverage as much as the next refreshing adult beverage appreciating type of guy. But I do have an above average memory. And I'm pretty sure that when we last parted company I had about 2 and 1/2 million chips. I guess I've been burning interest.

For the newer visitors here let me explain the tournament (formerly elimination) blackjack concept. Not only are you playing to win vs. the dealer, you are competing against the table. Once every seven hands is an elimination hand. The smallest stack is booted from the game. So, you can't just sit out or bet the minimum. every hand. Some attention must be paid to the others.

Naturally, my first game was less than spectacular in regards to the humanity aspect, or lack thereof of Internet poker. Over the long haul, blackjack is a losing proposition. It's a given. The house has an edge. Otherwise they wouldn't offer it. Far too often these tourneys don't revolve around if you win chips above your initial 25k, it's how many you win above the 25k. I.e. - not random cards. In its purest form without any bs it's a helluva lot of fun.

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In honor of the Noreaster we now have for your please several snow puns. These are in honor of Absolute for their part in the Internet poker snow job.

The groceries you buy because you'rer afraid you'll be trapped in the house for weeks - bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, milk. The eggs are Noreaster eggs. The frozen dead rabbit that couldn't make it to shelter before the storm hit on your back porch. The Noreaster bunny. Bored, hungry for some Ben and Jerry's before cuddling with Jarah? Try a Noreaster sundae.

These puns were sponsored by Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Third World Media. No actual bunnies were frozen during the posting of this message.

Pet Peeve

Since I've been playing for three days...er 11 + years now I want to get something off my chest. And I'm not talking about the congealed Ben and Jerry's ice cream before I passed out last night.

When you succesfully register for a PokerStars game it starts off with the game showing as starting in 2 minutes. After a minute the friendly message is that the game will stat in a minute. After another minute the game will start within one minute. After three minutes, the game that would start in two minutes finally starts.

Start the scary music -

Da da da da!

Your time is being stolen. All those stolen minutes add up. Much like Richard Pryor in the Superman movie these unnoticed minutes lost are being collected and invested. Someone, probably Itty, out there has 4.5 quadrillion minutes because they stole them and invested in CDs and low risk mutual funds.

Your time is being stolen by the mere fact that you're wasting it pretending you can get ahead on Internet poker.

Wave

All oceanic fans be forewarned - the player name 'wave' has already been taken. You're wasting your time trying to get it. And if your a fan of the moon and its effects on our waters be forewarned that 'wane' is already taken. And if you're a fan of tupper be forewarned that 'ware' is already taken.

And if you're a fan of Internet poker and want to create a name be forewarned that pretty much everything in the dictionary and nonsensical combinations of letters like 'waxe' and 'waqe' have been taken.

I get this jolly and happy picture of the chap that waqes up in the morning and decides to try his luck at Internet poker. Takes a day off from feeding the wales at the aquarium. Buys some car waxe. Cogitates on the waze he's going to make his grand poker plan go into effect. Completely ignores the Asian hotties on the Internet. Wates in line at the post office. Gives small change to a homeless wafe. Goes for a wade in the pond. Earns a wage despite having done a Ferris Buehler and called off work. Then finally settles into a game of poker.

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Off topic

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Wow. There's a ton of pics of Sora on the Net. If I wasn't so busy making sense of my misbegotten life playing poker I could browse these pics for months.

Sora first came into my radar by the wonderfully cheesy film "Big Tits Zombie." As a huge cheese fan I just had to see this movie based on the title. Despite being in Japanese with subtitles it has given me and the dog laughs for months now.

The Wondewful and Weiwd Wowld of Non Wandom Cawds

Oh look. I tawt I taw a bunny wabbit! But I digwess, and will now give up on the Elmer Fudd nonsense.

OK, here's the setting. Eighteen players two tables. Let's assume that everyone has got some skill. It is a 2k buy in. They only give you 1k freebies, so you've improved yourself. Therefore, as a rational human being you can expect that you are going to play your cards. That is, the cards will dictate your actions to some extent, not just your far too often overly aggressive personality. And I'm talking to you Genghis! Put the freaking axe down or we WILL have a problem. Ow! Bitch!

Genghis is now eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry's and trying to make time with Sora. So I can proceed. I must admit in many respects that they do make a cute couple. Genghis! That's my baby oil! KNOCK IT OFF!

As I continue to get crappy hand after crappy hand I reflect on the fact that every single position other than me has made at least one big raise. And there's lots of calls and reraises. So, everybody but me is getting some cards to play. I have three options. I can go all in on my first decent hand (which in this case would have lead to me being bad beaten.) I can just give up. Or, I can do the poker investigators top choice of continuing to receive crap cards and watch the insanity unfold.

The results: Made the final table without winning a hand. More than 100 hands dealt with one pair - 2s. Only one hand I was interested in - the bad beat that I avoided. And not folding a single hand that would have been a winner if I had stayed in.

Sadly, this may not be possible to duplicate every day like the nonsense race tables, but it happens way too often. Since your precious hand histories don't log free money games (my how convenient) nobody but me and the dog will ever know.

As I fold each of a chain of crappy hands I am thinking - OK, it can't be this bad for so long. One last chance for credibility. What a schmuck I am. Internet poker has less credibility than -
Bernie Madoff (although Genghis likes him because he's also a Khan man)
Slime Mold
Scientology (although Genghis likes him because he's also a Khan man)
Extenze
New Age healing
Professional wrestling
Drawing Tippy the Turtle off the matchbook art scholarships
Lint bunnies
Festering sores
The Sex and the City tv show
The Nigerian 419 scam (although Gebghis likes the prince because he's also a Khan man)
The Ebola virus
Jim Carrey
Fatal gunshot wounds

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I trust you get the point.

Back to Basics - The Ranking of Hands

Due to the lack of serious play the Meese Commission has done a painstaking and expensive study on the fundamentals. Our children are being raised to eat themselves into obesity, play violent video games and bullying the nerd that sits next to them into doing their math homework. As a public service, we here at the Big Lay Down have dedicated the better part of 15 minutes to remind us of the basics of poker. What is a good hand? OK we'll tell ya.

HIGH CARD -
The Megatronic 3000 Model D3X (my Commodore 64) reports that the Ace is the highest card in poker and many other non-poker related card games. It was invented in France in 1434 AD when the King just wasn't cutting it. In general, although Aces are Smokin' (bonus points to you if you get the movie reference) they often are not enough to win on their own.

ONE PAIR -
As the Internet Poker card divorce rate is now a whopping 71% the pair is a dying breed. Put two cards in a deal together and it's a given they will just start to drive each other nuts. If the pair can stick out the marriage long enough "for the sake of the children" they will beat high card. Then there will be a painful divorce and assets traded to the cheating whore and....well, I'm not bitter.

TWO PAIR
The two pair is a result of a failed one pair marriage where the king, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, is in his 40's and picks up a twenty something trophy wife. Despite Viagra the bedroom gymnastics are pretty dull. So, the couple goesx to a bar and after a major cash exchange pick up a 30 year old couple for some swapping.

THREE OF A KIND
After the murder of the weakest link in the wife swapping the three remaining members of the new friendship go on a Thelma and Louise style killing spree. They find common ground and search out two pairs and beat them to death with rusty kitchen utensils.

THE STRAIGHT
We're no getting into the really good stuff - some hands that have some power. A staright is 5 connected cards. They are great unless you are playing pansy poker where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

THE FLUSH
5 cards of the same suit. Awesome. But beware of cheaters. There has been times when people have tried to cheat with, say, 4 diamonds and one heart. These brigands are called four flushers. And their ancestors are fore-flushers.

FULL HOUSE
Also called the Full Boat. The House version is more popular because it evokes happy memories of cute little Olsen twins while the boat version brings memories of Haitians dying in droves on makeshift rafts.

FOUR OF A KIND
Four guys that will do anything for each other. Especially deleting the porn from the computer of the one that died.

STRAIGHT FLUSH/ROYAL FLUSH
Pretty much a lock other when playing on the internet. There's some crazy shit going on out there.

And the best hand of all ever. The Mega Pair, as featured by this bikini clad lovely. You gotta admit - that's one fucking mega pair.

Where's my Kleenex?

Full Tilt Matrix - The Update on the Match

The chess... I mean poker match of the century continued tonight.

For the past several months I've enjoyed busting on PokerStars for the most multitudinous(real word) use of stupiful(real word) excuses to present artificial intelligence as real people. But as a side bar I play an occasional Full Tilt Matrix game to shake things up a bit.

When this chess...I mean poker match first started I played two consecutive matrices (real word...I mean it this time, it really is) where I finished with positive point flow. I guess they got on to me and the next two weren't so good.

Let's call tonights matrix a draw. I only lost 600 chips while folding virtually every hand. That makes the match score 2 wins 2 losses and 1 draw. But with the equivalent of one of two chess players showing up drunk and incapable of functioning.

And the arrogant inglowreus baztards (real words spelled different from the real words in the movie title) make it waaaay to easy to fold and investigate. For years I've kept track, mentally and on paper, of my hold'em hole cards. Math tells me that playing so many hands I should on average get a certain number of aces and pairs in a certain number of deals. Since I survived so long - the last player on all four tables - 50 minutes times whatever number of hands per minute I am sure I saw more than 100 flops. And that's conservative.

My reward? One pair of nines. The aces weren't too bad, but the one pair thing is just rigged to Hi-Lo heaven.

Now, let's examine the one fold I screenshotted (real word). I catch a set on the flop. Real human poker indicates a raise. As I died last week when Sora Aoi responded to my email about getting together for a drink and the massive coronary that ensued I find myself resurrected by two teenage witches and forced to play in this relatively meaningless game against these allegedly real people. Therefore I don't raise, not being real, and avoid the worst bad beat of the night.

I think I've used this before, but it's been awhile. One of my favorite Simpsons scenes before I stopped watching them when I found out Nancy Cartwright was a Scientologist was when Homer became a TV star and picked his name from the hair dryer.

Homer: There's three ways to do things. The right way. The wrong way. And the Max Power way!
Bart: But isn't that also the wrong way?
Homer: Yes, but faster!

Full Tilt Matrix is just an excuse to cheat you faster.

And Nobody Notices

Except me.

That there's a major Hoover Damn Vaccuum in the house. For those who don't get the pun - Hoover is a company that makes vaccuums and Hoover Dam is a big piece of concrete in the western U.S.

The first two hands started out so typically for the way virtually 90% of the sit and go games go. Pib (can I call you that? Pibby? The Pibster? The Pibmeister? Pibbag? Pibwipe? Emperor Pibolonius Minimus? Mr. Pibb? Piblic Library?) was your usual sacrificial lame, er...lamb. Surely the explanation would be made that he simply doesn't know how to play lowball draw. The end result is that after two hands there are two out of six positions that have a sizable chip lead over everyone else. Naturally my first two hands were total crap.

The existence of the Pibozos of the world is to tempt the casual player into thinking they want to get in on the easy action. I've seen it often on Razz games. First four cards and some idiot has a pair of kings showing and they bet it the whole way through. When the cards are shown they either have a third king or another pair in the hole. Sometimes jokes are made at this person's expense, sometimes not. Pibaloney positions are much more effective in all in games. This Pibrainless chump is on fixed limit.

What was unexpected is that Sindi and Bill played a ton of hands. And they raised and called on your eventually winner in the upper right.

At the point in this screenshot the chip leader has twice as many chips as the rest of the table combined. Yet nobody but me recognizes that this person is getting way too good cards consistently hand after hand.

Down to three spots - two get paid off. Bill has 84 chips left and I bet 50. Chip leader is out of the hand. We've reached stud high low, and three cards remain to be dealt. If ever there waqs a time to call regardless of your cards, this is it. Bill folded faster than a hot Asian laundrymat employee.

Strange. Weird. Pibogus. But I'll take the second place. Even though you Pibastards made me burn off two more pictures of Sora. I hope you can go to sleep tonight knowing the damage you have done. These pictures don't just download themselves, you know. It actually requires a time investment on my part.

Is Consistency Too Much to Ask For?

The answer is a resounding yes.

Despite two "upgrades" last week PokerFrauds refuses to handle their time bank rules consistently. One player's hand is folded with no time bank. Another player getsd the time bank.

But, a quick search on Gregslist reveals the completely rational answer. Grannie's daughter has been sleeping with a powerful and notorious time banker from Zurich. Morita's three months behind on timn bank dues and overdrew two checks this month by reraising. (get it - "check" that's a poker word.)

As I am not sleeping with any powerful Zurich time bankers I have no need for it. Other than when I want to use it to be annoying. I am sleeping with random cards, but I'm so bad in bed I've really pissed her off. Shut up hun and get me a beer before you go out the door. Come back in 8 hours and bring me breakfast.

Losing

I'm an expert. I've lost thousands of hands. No one likes losing unless you have a point to prove. Let's get those 300 Spartans up and make a statement.

Personally, I would love to be happily asleep. Big affectionate dog snoring next to me. But as thge foremost critic of Internet poker I find myself playing at an odd time for me. And since PokerFrauds is being such a bitch I find another target.

I was a bad boy today. I played way too many hands trying to win. Which means 8 instead of zero. Two seconds and two thirds against allegedly real people.

Games require a winner and a loser. Internet poker is infested with players that don't care about losing.

I told you

Thgis does recuir some time investment, but it's really pretty easy to make Internet poker look stupid. You make out better by not playing.

That's my second consecutive Full Tilt matrix where I finished with positive chip flow where I folded every hand.

I'm reminded of my days playing Dominion. Two types of players. Explorers and Attackers. Attackers need to input some energy, thought and logging in regularly to have a chance. Explorers can get by twice a day.

The reason for this is because when you piss off the owner of the database because you're better than they are they feel the need to put an Internet bullet in your crotch.

Natural Selection

Break out the banjos. We're in the boonies and we've got internet access. And dammit, we are strong, proud, drunk on shine and we will rape your women and be seen in movies with chainsaws.

I can and I will duplicate this. The significance of this game was that I folded every single hand. Three thirds and a second on Full Tilt matrix. No thought required. Just watching a movie and an occasional mouse click and I have positive chip flow.

Please explain how this is real poker.

Eventually the banjo playing nitwits will get back to basics and marry their cousins.

And Internet poker will realize that cheating people on free money games doesn't help them.

Why cheat on free money games?

1) Courting a new player to break out the checkbook.
2) Boredom - I can toggle cheat mode and losing isn't fun.
3) The lobby screen shows 100,000 players when there's actually only 254.

Observer chat blocked? Maybe because it's bullshit????????

Abnormal Math Event

Since I can't record games and conveniently hand histories are not available for play money games you'll just have to take this on faith for now. I'd like to think that my credibility is a tick or to notches higher on the scale than Internet poker. And in my approach of 800 posts and including a lot of bad Internet poker math readers should trust me on my word.

I picked out a meaningless 7 stud hi-lo sitter. Knowing full well from my early days that in Hold'em I should get a pair roughly once every 13 hands combined with my standards for 7 stud hi-lo I found this table to be one of the most statiscally abnormal black holes I've ever encountered.

My standards are to not consider playing without either a pair, 3 cards connected to a straight, 3 cards to a flush or 3 cards lower than an 8. As they standards were not met too much I got to fold a lot of hands and the lack of pairs came up in my radar screen. Me and my crack team of mathematicians (me, the dog and the ghost of Pythagoras) find that in an initial deal of three cards you should pair up 15% of the time or roughly once every 6.5 hands.

As the game (if you can call it that) dragged on for over an hour I realized I was unpaired every single freaking hand. (Until late when I was short stacked and screwed and a blessed pair of twos made a meaningless appearance.

Let's conservatively estimate that my 1 hour of play saw 65 hands. It was more. I should have received 10 pairs by this time and I had zero. No 3 cards to a straight, 1 three cards the same suit (which was a loser) and 2 hands with three cards less than an eight, of which I actually won 1 and was bad beated on the other.

What we have here is an enormously rigged maelstrom of crapitude that sends the message, "Screw you Xenu, you lose." And all this attention I get on free money games.

The gauntlet is still thrown down. If you're a poker pro and can take time off for two tables a week on free money games you will surely experince the same kind of bullshit that will make you rethink putting your wallet into the table.

The Hold'em Equivalent of a Race Table

If the adult content warning wasn't enough, let me add this. If you are two years old, do not proceed any further! You're too young to enjoy the sexy pics of Sora Aoi, you should be in bed and I'm about to verbally bitch slap you.

After my messy relationship with math came to an end I briefly dated her cousin Non-random Cards who went by the nickname of Nancy. (Because Noncy or Non C didn't make any sense. And I really only did it because she was friends with Sora. And Sora was friends with Jarash who was the real target and my real human hormones were raging so much that I decided that it was time to make a play instead of wasting my life investigating huge run on sentences that have no real point regarding the topic at hand since I'm trying to settle down into watching a movie before going to bed and I haven't even fed the dog yet who has been pretty patient with me so far while I got my nightly cheating at poker.

18 player two table game. If you're in it for a long time you get to see lots of hands. As opposed to going all in on the first decent hand you get. The play on this tourney was obviously, well, I can't say "rigged", but I can say "bogus."

The cards were juiced. And other than my posting those two screen shots of me folding a pair of queens twice that would have been losers everyone pushed the stack into the middle on every single chance. Conscious of what was going on - you guessed it. I started a massive folding campaign.

What resulted was an all in/huge raise crap fest for over an hour. And my experiment was successful. I placed in the money while only winning two hands.

Riduclious (real word.)

More proof that sitting out is a better option than actually playing poker. Like Omaha Hi-Lo race tables it caters to the two year olds out there.