Internet Poker Fail

It does't matter what time of the day it is. It doesn't matter what site you're wasting your time on. There's just no explanation for the lack of mathematical stupidiciousness (real word) that goes on.

I prefer busting on PokerStars because they were myhigh school crush. But I am willing to take my game to other towns that are just as bad.

10k buy in. Let's assume I'm a skill level 6 out of 1 to 10(which I'm not, I'm better.) Let's assume that a full table has the average skill of 5. Let's assume (big stretch on reality) that the cards are random.

Folding a hand every once in awhile might actually be sane. But internet poker is insane. Take a look at that table.

Four players have more than 100k. Myself, as a real human, would take me hours of play against respectful competition. I can't do that. I've got a dog that needs his drugs, a job, my Scientology hobby, sports to watch, personal hygiene, grocery shopping, midget female mud wrestling, laundry, cutting the grass, family issues not related to midgets, the cyclotron I'm building in my back yard, stalking Jarah and alot of crazy shit you really don't want to know about that will become apparent in my next debate with Chrisitne O'Donnell.

(Chris - always give them something bogus to focus on. Laundry? yeah, fucking right. Like anyone needs clean clothes.)

If I take on 5 players at a 10k buy in game and spend hours not smokig the cigarette I'm enjoying now it would be a spiritual experince like meeting Leslie Glass, my Tony Dungy autograph, Dexter training me on how to hide the bodies and trying to dreate a low calorie cranberry smoothie.

And it is this, deaz friemds,that really pisses me off.

Nobody ever talks about cranberries. Every single site. Raise, raise, raisan (wrong fruit) raise, crankshaft - first four letters right, but I need the berries.

Gotta go. Need to raise.

Internet Poker is Perfect for Halloween

Because it's scary. Really scary. People think that when she was younger Jamie Lee Curtis was hot scary. (And I'm not just saying that because she isn't Asian.)

As time rolls on I continue to marvel at how obvious it is and there's been no collective movement to clean it up. If there was any justice in the world Jim Carrey never would have become a movie star and PokerStars reg screens of real active players would show 4,366 instead of more than 200,000.

As a strategy game enthusiast I've wasted way too much money on games that have kept me happy for at max a couple of months. Then, when I learn how the AI plays and make some adjustments I finally have some success.

My fascination with Internet poker is born from

BOOOOO!

(Admit it, you jumped out of your chair - didn't see that coming!)

understanding that I'm not playing against real humans. AI has no patience. It just plays according to the algorithm. Pretty badly at that. But, because the algorithm, despite all these bogus posts on the web, the cards are simply not random. Being Yogi with no clothes on and smarter than the average bare I've had the enjoyment of caring more about what others are doing in the game than concern for my own sitch.

BOOOO! - the economy is still fucked! Your $12 of candy handed out to the next generation is not going to stimulate the economy. Break out the checkbook and play real money tables on Internet poker, that WILL make a difference. Take a shortcut and give your money to a Nigerian prince. Or Scientology.

So, as I play my minimum one table a night and watch as my opponents play to make me lose instead of playing to win I realize that it's more entertaining for me to bust on it than to try to be progressive.

And naked shots of Jarah can be found at

BOOOO!

Gotcha again.

Disclaimer:
No children were harmed in the posting of this blog. No real people have been harmed ever in posts on this blog. Ben and Jerry's sales have not been affected by this bog and I am not taking money under the table like Jarah suggests, And

BOOOO!

Still waiting for a ratonal rebuttal.

Because math shows it ain't gonna happen.

P-P-PokerStars!

Duh duh duh duh
Dun duh duh duh
Duh duh duh duh
Duh duh duh duh

Want to show I have what it takes to play on PokerStars
But I fold to much a bad habit from playing for such a long time
I don't think taht I'll ever win any of their praise
Because even when I get a hand I refuse to raise

No No No
I won't bite at that so rigged bait
No No No
Ace pair is gonna lose to a straight

Can't play here, can't play here
Don't try to play here on PokerStars
Nobody feeding to you
Can't play here, can't play here
Don't try to play here on PokerStars
Nobody feeding to you

P-P-Pokerstars, P-P-Pokerstars
duh duh duh duh
P-P-Pokerstars, P-P-Pokerstars
duh duh duh duh

I wanna roll with the cool dudes so I'm all in
Using up my time bank, how cool that would be
Playing based on solid math is the biggest trap
So here I go again raising on total crap

No No No
I won't bite at that so rigged bait
No No No
Ace pair is gonna lose to a straight

Can't play here, can't play here
Don't try to play here on PokerStars
Nobody talking to you
Can't play here, can't play here
Don't try to play here on PokerStars
Cause that's what AI would do

P-P-Pokerstars, P-P-Pokerstars
duh duh duh duh
P-P-Pokerstars, P-P-Pokerstars
duh duh duh duh

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 hour and 43 miutes after this post The Big LayDown received 17 different emails from the lawyers of PokerStars, Lady Gaga and Jarah. PokerStars suit is copyright infringement. My lawyer (the dog) thinks that we can get off this one because of the reference to the fictitious P-P-PokerStars site. Lady Gaga's suit is also copyright infringement since my publicist, Weir Al Yankovic, did not secure her permission to use the parody lyrics. Jarah's suit is a palimony action because she and Gaga are friends, I haven't bought her Ben and Jerry's in months and I had the audacity to not post a picture of her.

Since these will be settled with free money chips I will soon be forced to start over with the economic stimulus "TARP" (Try And Rationalize Poker) program free money 1,000 chips.

And I don't even care because the upcoming zombie apocalypse is just going to send the world to hell.

(Note to self - locate shotgun, chainsaw and MREs.)

Internet Poker Time Bank

Apparently PokerStars may have given up on the annoying "ruin the real human's fun because of lack of patience anooying bullshit nonsense that does not work against me and my super extra-special patient staring at me hoping I'll get a bone dog that had to put up with me dealing with my car....

(whew)

nonsense."

The only benefit they gained was limiting me to one table a night for months. Sometimes two if I made the bad decision to accept a rigged all-in. And sometimes on weekends I could only get 4 tables in a day.

The ammunition it gave was far more detrimental. Logic says that you can't play fifty consecutive tables where there is at least one totally clueless (or purposefully annoying irritant) that plays slower than my dead relatives.

It was only one table, but it was a huge overcompensation. No middle of the road here. Not only was the time bank not abused, but the play was (AI style) lightning fast.

Lazy bastards.

More Internet Poker Nuttiness

I thought being bitten by a mosquito in the Eastern US on October was the nuttiest thing I'd have to deal with. But poker does not disappoint.

Let's get the race table out of the way. Full table. Waiting list. And one position has 1.2 million chips on a 20k buy in game. Huff said.

The real eyebrow upturner was my 10k lowball draw game. Let me think aminute on how realistic this is. You have more than 10k to buy into this table. You make a point of chatting about not understanding the rules. Several players explain that low hand wins and aces are high. Against my normal nature I post that 75432 of different suits is the best hand. Two others post that 75432 is the best hand.

And the very next hand the moron calls big bets with an ace high club flush.

It's so easy to be critical of Internet Poker beyond the cards. My guess is that this was me, a bored admin that badly needed a cigarette break or had ordered pizza that was about to be delivered and 5 AI positions.

Thanks for the second place finish and the screenshots. When I buy into a 25k table tomorrow, let's see if the quality of play looks like there was actually enough talent to garner the buy in.

Internet poker beyond the cards

All in losers get out of here. Any success at the free money tables requires some patience. I think so at the real money tables, but because it's rigged I won't do that.

The R word. Rigged. I'll say it agian for therapy. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged.

I hate repeating myself. But let's pretend I'm wrong.

In that reality this is an interface to hook up and play a competitve game against real humans that want to play. This is a mult-billion industry that uses their mere existene as a excuse.

And real people fall for it.

The Rally to Keep Internet Poker Fear Alive Update

Do't worry about me fans. I'm doing fine. Except this almost normal poker just drives me absolutely nuts. Where are the bogus all ins? Where are the players that don't understand that it's lowball instead of high hand wins? Where's the raising to the maximum on a fixed limit gave every hand? It's....my...kryp...to....nite.

Ener...gy waning. And Wayne left...an hour...a...go. Must....make...it...to freezer and con...sume Ben and Jerry's. Not...working...there must...be something..to do.

OK we logged into CityPoker and we're fine.

Bad math is better than winning for me, hence my preoccupation with race tables.

When you sit at a race table on PokerStars you get challenged for having the audacity to interrupt the fun. The fun is obviously mega-chipped opponents willing to go all in every hand. And feed and feed and feed. If I had 5 billion free money chips, I seriously doubt I'd get much entertainment value out of goig all in on crappy cards and losing. And then buying back in and losing again.

City doesn't call them race tables. But essentially every single Omaha Hi Lo game is one. Count the chips. Do the math. Puke up the ice cream. Pet the dog.

And reflect on why you would ever put real money on a site that does this.

The 2010 Internet Poker AI Convention

My attendence wasn't welcome, but me and my crack team of convention attendees (me and the dog) attended some useful seminars, got a free tote bag and 2 pens and generally made ourselves annoying. Especially after the dog peed on that Asian models foot and I had to buy her off with a lifetime supply of Ben and Jerry's.

There is no doubt that my focus has been on PokerStars. And why not? They're allegedly the biggest and mst realistic site. In reality they are the most aggressive at trying to present AI as real people.

But, as this convention proved, it's really just all of them.

City Poker is a tiny site that probably uses the poker to also try to suck you into their sports betting. I don't know how you can cheat on the sports gambling. It would take billions of dollars to fix the games. But to cater to all the real money gambling addicts they've definitely picked up the PokerStars/Absolute/Ultimate/whatever sites I haven't visited yet race table program mentality.

Omaha Hi-Lo is the embarrassed poster boy of the race table. For a real human it smooths out the chances of losing dozens of hands in a row, even with rigged cards. Thereafter, the admins can decide if they want to cater to you and give you a Free Trial Period where you do pretty well, break out the credit card...

And lose real money.

The dog's math is pretty weak.

I am thirsty. There's water in my dish. I drink.
I am hungry. There's crap food in my bowl. Bug the human for a treat.
I am tired. Bug the human for a treat.
I am bored. Bug the human for a treat.
I'm horny. Bug the human for a treat then hump the chair leg.

This is a 10k buy in game. And without "people" playing for days with random cards the only way this doodlesnot can exist is by AI feeding.

BTW - dog is about to get a treat for being patient as I get cheated.

Finally, the Spam has Stopped

When running an internet/email scam one of the simplest and most productive ways to lure new money into the pyramid scheme or con is to send a message purporting to be someone you aren't, or giving you friendly advice on how you can make $1,800 a month at home with just working 20 hours a week.

You can then use your other wakeful time to play internet poker and make even more money. It's obviously not rigged. I mean, they said so. So it must be true.

Nothing gives me ore joy than seeing my dog wag his tail. Next on the list is that the bullshit PokerStars spam has finally come to an end. Dear XXXX as a successful free money player you might want to test your skill at the real money tables.

It doesn't matter that I've proven the math doesn't work. It doesn't matter that I've been doing this for more than 10 years. It doesn't matter that Argentina's chief export is bauxite. For months I've been fed the spam.

My memory might be clouded on the name, but I think there was a show on Sci-Fi Channel more than a decade ago that featured an alleged psychic named John Stewart, not the Daily Show guy. He'd pick random people in the audience and start asking questions. "I see flowers - do you garden?" No - oh, but you do love to bake. What I really saw was flour.

Psychologists call this "throw enough shit on the wall, eventually some will stick."

I must cut this short since a Nigerian Prince is offering me an easy way to make $300,000.

I would kill for a cigarette

I would ove to be awake at this table for hours Sadly I'm close to finally getting some much needed sleep.

Pokerfrauds is the worst, but there's bunches of other bogus sites out there. 10k max buy in table. Someone has 249kk.

Monkeys fly out my butt.

Internet Poker lack of humanity

I really hate repeating myself, but I hate being cheated.

Have you ever played Microsft Hearts? It cheats. Big time. The other players are more interested in playing to make you lose instead of playing to win. The genius asshole(s) that created this decided that it would be too boring for the real human to win every time, So they made it ridiculous. You save a high heart to stop me from shooting the moon, but you won't against other AI.

Internet poker free money tables play out the exact same. I don't eed to worry about folding. I have an infinite chip stack backing me up. Maybe I should fold, but screw it..I'm all in.

My non-random cards and lack of huanity makes me brave.

The Rally to Keep Internet Poker Fear Alive

Listen PokerStars. The masses are really getting ticked off. For more than a week now, things have been so placid it just seems surreal.

Strangely, I prefer to be obviously cheated as opposed to a refreshing competitive game. Oh, who am I kidding.

I don't know what your evil plan is for my future, but for now I can sit at a table and think that I have a reasonable chance of successs. It's a refreshing change.

But, in order to not get too complacent I contacted Stephen Coldbeer and there has been a change of plans. When we invade the Washington mall(ish) area at the end of this month we will remember all those free money race table hopefuls that lost their free money race table chips and couldn't pay their free money subprime loan mortgages and got their artificial intelligence Sims house taken away from them.

Sorry John, this team is now focused on keeping Internet poker fear alive. You too may one day be so desperate for your free money coke fix that you will log into a free money race table, put all your free money chips on the line and if you're lucky more free money losers will feed you like the free crack money table of the day shown here.

Note to self - create my own free money religion based on agitated alien parasites pissed off because I got nuked in a Hawaiin volcano. My free money chip stack will be golden. I can do it with a scam instead of earning it.

The March to Keep Internet Poker Insanity Alive

Being so political minded and in need of a few laughgs after getting cheated at Internet Poker, me and my crack team of funny show experts (me and the dog) have made watching Jon DailyRaceTable Stewart and Stephen Coldbeer a must.

On Halloween night these fine gentlemen and thousands of loyal followers will descend on the Washington Mall, take up all the good parking spaces and get all preachy about what's wrong with the world.

They couldn't possibly be more off target.

Political and economic issues being important to the average Jarah?? That's like trying to be a female ninja stripper which can make you a helluva lot more money. (Goddammit, where are all my one dollar bills?)

With great remorse I report that the play on PokerStars hasn't been too bad lately. Oh yeah, it's still obviously rigged to the trained eye, but things have calmed down a bit. And I think the main reason is Senator Allin Spector's work on trying to pass the controversial removal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. For years now real humans have been attacked. We want to come out of the closet and declare we aren't AI, but it just isn't safe. Seriously, if it's known that I'm a real human being I might get random cards and have enough free money chips to buy toxic high risk credit mortgage free money assets and perpetuate the global recession.

Since the global free money economy is at risk and Internet poker keeps blowing up the bubble, we here at The Big Lay Down, at great expense, are organizing the March to Keep Internet Poker Insanity Alive.

Both...er...all of us will be in Washington and stick it to those preachy political pundits purporting profits parlayed by patient paranormol prospective pals.

And maybe, just maybe, we can return to the glory days of the obvious Internet poker insanity we've loved so much.

Gotta take a p.

Both...er...all of us will be in Washington and stick it to those reachy olitical undits urporting rofits arlayed by atient aranormol rospective als.

Look for us. We'll be in our Anonymous Guy Fawlkes masks. If you've never seen a dog in a Guy Fawlkes mask, you really haven't lived.

The Big Lay Down's lawyer's Invoices for Services Rendered

The Big Lay Down has retained the services of the law firm Crackteam, Mariano and Cheatthemidiots to backbill (as long as US laws allow) for services rendered. The invoice will be payable in free money chips and wired to a free money Swiss bank account or internet poker will suffer the same slap on the wrist penalties that a Lindsay Lohan or Wesley Stipes will incur.

CMC's billing rate is $200 an hour for a partner and $50 per hour for admin support.

Training internet poker that on a fixed limit game raising every single chance is a losing proposition if the cards aren't rigged - 4,600 hours partners. 10,400 hours admin support.

Training Internet Poker that creating a position that can't lose is a joke - 3,700 partner hours, 6,350 admin hours.

Training Internet poker that maybe an occasional chat would make you look for real - 1,575 partner hours, 2475 admin hours.

Internet pojker being a crime against nature - fixed fee. $5 billion free money chips.

Internet poker making my dog unhappy - fixed fee $500,000 chips.

Internet poker having the audacity to suggest I don't know how to play - partners 4,225 hours, admin 6,500 hours.

Outright rule breaks investigation - partners 17,000 hours admins 2,350 hours.

Time Bank rules on PokerStars - included in the rule breaks - no charge.

Swiss Gnome payoff - partners 3 hours admins 17.5 hours. Hiring a mathematician for review - fixed fee and partnership fees $4,800,000,000.

Filing class action lawsuit for being cheated on internet poker - partners 9,006,425,1575 hours. Admin support too busy eating Ben and Jerry's to care- no charge.

And as the CMC staff has far too many poker players on the payroll, for convenience the final lawsuit will be settled for 56,850,725,040,398.02. (Because the math doesn't work.)

The Big Lay Down's lawyer dealing with this issue, an unnamed hot Asian babe, has expressed some concern that the payoff will bankrupt the combined economies of Narnia, the Shire, Ringworld, the combined works of Fred Saberhagen, the global Swiss Gnome shoe factory reapir business. the planet of Endor, the ...well pretty much everything we need to pay off.

It;s not my/our fault you bought all those subrime free money mortgage loans and Obama doesn't have enough free money chips to bail you out.

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And then wake up, get off the crystal meth or whatever you are smoking and do something other than being annoying at internet poker.

Sheeple

I am definitely not one of them. If you mess with me it's likely I will do whatever I can to make your life miserable. Case in point - the noisy asshole neighbors. I could be the nicest and most considerate guy, but you just don't understand that living in a diplex house means that you should behave. I've lived here for 15 years and there's been a succession of neighbors.

I thought internet poker was the worst bullshit I'd ever have to put up with in my life. But, this is my choice. My hobby. Something I do when the dog admits he's comfortably sleepy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Math is your friend. Like it or not, math exists every day. And I'm not just saying this because my Dad was as a math teacher. You go to Starbucks and buy a beverage (God I miss caffeine) you pay the clerk and you get some change. You buy a new TV and math helps you put it in the optimal position. Math is ther basis of cards.

I'm whining now because of success. I've gone from 2k to 37k in one weekend. I'm not that good. Nobody is.

Sheeple will do what they mindlessly want to do and on occasion brteak out the credit card and think they have a chance at winning money on Internet Poker.

And monkeys fly out my ass.

OHH!

Operation Hand History!

When pointedly challenged on the validity of the game PokerFrauds sent me a friendly reply pointing out how the hands were random and they've been certified by some fucking minor country law or accounting firm that everything's cool and you are a jackass. I'm proud to report that I've placed in the money in something like 8 consecutive games with heinously bad cards.

It takes a certain mentality to be willing to fold hundreds of thousands of hands. And I gots it.

Just like Jack Nicholson in Batman, you made me. Live with it. You could have made it an interface for real people to hook up and play a relaxing and challenging game. But you had to push it. You had to let two year olds be succesful and you hired evil non-skilled admins pretending to be real people when they can't stand the temptation to toggle cheat mode.

On every single site.

Every winning hand recquires at least one losing hand. In order to combat me internet poker has made the games so strange that I constantly have to play short stacked.

Screw you. I know the system. And I have infinite patience. And I'm willing to throw off my normal sleep schedule to mess with you, as I did today, and I will do after an early dinner, shower, tactical nuclear strike on a third world country and nap puts me up at something like 2:30 am EST. Bring it on.

Thanks for the compliment!

You wonderful, adorable uh....spamming douchebag.

I was surprised to see more hits than normal this morning. And as I reviewed my last (and I must say very funny post) I saw that for the first time in ages someone actually posted a comment.

Great Blog!!!!! Three seconds of research reveals that this was simply some idiot posting a link for another poker site. I have to think they didn't read any of the content here since this is so anti-online poker oriented. And with good reason.

We're now approaching the 700 post territory which Jarah tells me that after I hit that number I must stop posting her pictures, our I will hear from the lawyers. Some posts are simply about the bogus play. Most posts include some comedy as well as a "point" about the bogus play. And amidst them are a lot of pretty pictures that show various things that don't make sense.

I don't want to lose my core audience of fans (both of them) but I'm leaving the link up. If you spend any significant amount of time on the free money tables on ANY poker site you can gain one ten thousandeth of my knowledge and understand that it simply is a money making scam. Go ahead. Click on the loser's link, sign up, lose your money, go to your postal office job depressed and armed with your AK47 and go out in style.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only thing missing from the 8 Game table was there wasn't too much time bank action. Other than this we are met with someone who does not understand that the first of the eight is lowball triple draw and feeds the eventual annoying raising on almost every hand douche. Shortly thereafter we are met with the second player that gets way too many chips from the feeders. (Pouting because I'm not one of them.) ((Nah, not really...I know the system.))

The tables I pick are heavily weighed to the weird games. Now that Badugi appears to be extinct 8 game is pretty much the weirdest offering out there. The basic pre-programmed/AI plan is to make the game so alien and the play so bizarre that a first timer will figure that they just aren't good enough to play with these experts. Let's go back to Hold'em. Which is the only game they've had any success at making look for real. Even then the Hold'em games I sit at are realistic about, as a guess, 10% of the time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Undaunted by the first comment to this blog I have kept at it. One of the major reeasons was the content of the comment. The debaye went like this:

Me: Blah blah blah...bad beat, math doesn't work. Blah blah blah....that was weird. Blah blah blah....wow, that was an outright rule break! Blah blah blah...thanks for the taunt.

Commentator's response: You %$@*&^!& idiot! Internet poker rules!

My response: (Sarcasm) Thank you for your constructive reply to the issues presented here. Once you can constructively point out what's wrong with my math I'll be glad to talk more about it.

Commentator's response:

Never heard from him again.

Because I'm right.

Wanted: Free Money Table Internet Poker Admins

Wanted:

Internet poker needs highly skilled poker players to administrate free money table games. Because of the downturn in the global economy, the resulting layoffs and the rebound in the global economy we have 1,200 new positions available to be filled.

The basic requirements are:

1) Absolutely no concept of basic math.
2) Must be at least 18 years of age, but must play like a two year old regardless of actual age.
3) No morality whatsoever.
4) Willingness to call directory assistance for numbers you easily could look up on your own.
5) Must know the keyboard to type the following combinations of letters/numbers -
nh
vnh
ty
tyvm
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
g1
g81
wtf?

6) Willingness to play and lose on a race table.
7) Admission that Jarah Mariano is a Goddess.

Other qualities will improve your chances of being hired.

1) You should be able to get along with others. Especially AI.
2) Some travel is required. The occasional trip to the fridge to get another Mountain Dew happens regularly.
3) Previous mastery of the time bank is desired. The willingness to be an annoying douche for no reason is a big plus. And the extra wasted time is the reason for all the Mountain Dew.
4) Experience in willingness to taunt both verbally and by your table actions is desired.

If you make it through the probationary period, the company will pay for acting courses. You will learn to feed the winner and look like it's innocent. You will learn to pretend you are a hot, slutty chick. You will learn the trick of making the phrase "I have to go." look believable when you stay in on the pot instead of just disconnecting.

Initial compensation is an infinite free money chip stack. Cost of living raises will be made annually to ensure your ability to pay the free money mortgage, buy your free money clothes and free money food and give the free money pizza guy some great free money tips.

If interested -

Call directory assistance.

Here's the opposite end of the spectrum

What I'm used to seeing, and busting on, are high buy in tables where the gentlemen and ladies I'm playing against have absolutely no clue about the basics. High hand wins? Low hand? Am I busy multi-tasking on Facebook? And are there any God damn leprechauns at the table?

After getting cheated last night I find my dwindling precious free money chip stack below what I need to sit at a 2k medium table. But, I have just enough that a first place finish on a 200 chip buy in single draw table will let my next game, if I so chose, be a 2k buy in.

The initial phase of the game was typically pointless and obviously rigged. When it settled into heads up with me in command my opponent simply would not die. It took another 45 minutes to finish him off.

In other words - the first opponent in months that hasn't played like a complete idiot. I attribute this to the buy in, for two reasons.

First, there's not much point cheating the annoying blogger on such a low level table. Got better things to do.

Second, and far more important. Finally some decent hands.

When there's not an active admin to rig a bad beat, the tried and true crappy card cheat is internet poker's lazy way out.

What are you going to do with your life?

Take the dog for a walk? Watch Bonnie and Clyde as a tribute to Arthur Penn. Cut the grass? Give the dog some expensive pain medication? Nail Sally? Clean the bathroom? Hug a tree? Change the diapers on the newborn? Rent a movie? Send a birthdfay card to your sister? File your taxes? Eat lunch?

Nah - let's log in to internet poker and lose.