Equalizing things out ovethe long haul

After last night's all-in laughfest on Full Tilt I did something I haven't done for a while. Broke out the trust pad of paper and pen and got to business recording what my hole cards where. My expectations where more of the same. Instead Full Tilt overcompensated.

It's good that I took second place in the 100k uy in sit and go. I bought this top for Lucy with 300k play money chips on Victoria's Cheapshit online. My meager 630k stack was pitted against the usual knowledgeable (cough cough) and non-aggressive (cough cough) opponents.

So after one might of a completely stastically unreasonable 20+ pocket pairs in something like 100 hundreds, how can you possibly explain me getting 2-3 in a stretch of 5 out of 13 hands? You can't unless someone is manipulating the marionettes, rigging the cards and making life miserable for any real humans that possib;y have the stupidity to register for that table.

Now, I don't count. I'm investigating more than seriously playing. Lucy doesn't count because she's more interested in sharing ice cream with Jarah. Two girls, one cup........sweeeeeeeeetttttt. The dog doesn't count because his newly grown opposable thumb is still a bit tricky and the Mac I gave him to play on BogusDog Poker doesn't work out.

Sometime before I die on December 21, 2012 when the world ends I'd love to have someone splain to me why internet poker is so obviously bogus and yet allegedly real people keep trying. In the meantime, I have over 1 million chips on three different sites, 300k on another 3 sites, an inbox filled with other sites I need to check out...and on every single one of them the play is very mechanical and non-human. I can, and will, sit at whatever frigging table I want to. Stop treating me like I don't know what I'm doing like last night.

The cow said, "Udderly ridiculous. This is a bomb in a bull." I have never see so many pocket pairs in one sit and go.

Ordinarily if someone gets the cards I did:

Pocket Aces 4 times

Pocket Queens 4 times

Pocket Jacks 5 times

Pocket tens 3 times

You might expect I'd be in hog heaven and at least in second place.

But, when other players get pocket aces 3 or 4 times each, and similar big pairs this just turned into a "I'm going to go all in with my pair versus your pair and let Xenu sort them out" bingo fest.

And, I haven't been taunted too much lately, so I expressed my disgust about the obvious non-random cards in the chat....

And message received. You suck so much you don't deserve to even be here. My non-random cards are better than your non=random cards.

Admins don't have to play by the normal rules. They get to go to the bar and pick up a hot Jarah without actually plying her clothes off by buying her dinner and alcohol. It sucks for mere mortals that actually want to sit at a poker table or win the girl by being nice, polite and asking her friends what you need to do to impress her.

Poker CyberStalking

When I'm not actually playing cards I like to bounce around and watch what is going on. Hey, Phil Hellmuth just dropped 15k. Freckledmom is playing low buy in games despite being in the 10 million chip Absolute hall of fame.

Etc...

During these travels of what would be boring for an ordinary mortal I've latched on to some players that are more addicted to free money games than I am. I like to go to the table of that person that never sleeps amd sit at it. Unlike the attitude I normally get where I'm treated like I don;t know a thing about poker, my current target bails out within a few hands.

Programmers - for your next update, take off the find a user option.

Nicknames

This is just an example of something I've noticed lately.

1408 is an evil fucking room. Great movie, check it out.

I've been trying to get going on Hollywood Poker and it's like pulling teeth. But it has reminded me that my noble opponents have also had to spend some time thinking about what you are going to name yourself.

All the cool names are taken. You can't name yourself "Fireman" because soe fireman has already used it. You can't name yourself "Pustule" because some dermatologist with low self esteem has already used it. You can't name yourself "Tommahwk" because putting a 321 in front of it is really cool and pointless and sure to strike fear into your opponent.

When I finally do get on to Hollywood I'm going to have to be Pustule46 or something.

Jarah Mariano Complex

That's what my psyciatrist says I have. A disease afflicting approximately 868,000 men on the planet. An obsession over the most perfect thing on the planet third to putting on warm clothes fresh out of the dryer and playing internet poker.

I can't upload my incompatible file from a bank chain explaining how you can't use your account to play illegal internet poker. So sad, because the competition is so intensively fun ( cough cough) and i get the chance to win so many megalopible (it's a word) bucks that this is something I really, really, really want to do.

It's only once every 4 and 1/4 years that I bump into a completely unreasoable table like tonight on PokerStars. On a single table free money game (since the Feds will nail you if you play for real money) with the first two or three positions being paid out, for the umpteenamillionish(real word) time I am again in an existential pissing match with two chip leaders that constantly get the joy of raising every hand while I get the joy of watching if my hand is even worthy of a call, much less a raise. And this was a 10k buy in game - where eactly did you get the chips players 3 through 7 to buy into this table? Jarah took note how the first victim sat out then played like an idiot. The dog noticed that the second victim raised all in and stood pat on an Ace high in our lowball game. He's good at that while I'm eating Ben and Jerry's. That's why he's part of my crack team.

I took a quick look at the Omaha Hi-Lo tables. Same old race table nonsense. I didn't have to play a hand to see it was obvious. My challenge stands open. Poker pros and any casual players that are playing for real money- take a break from your busy life and log in to the not illegal free money games. There's a lot of weird shiboola (not a word, but I'm sure you know what I mean) out there that makes it pretty obvious the cards are not random and the "players" aren't playing seriously.

Jesus cried.
Jarah cried more. Because I ate all the Ben and Jerry's.

Editor's note: I have never actually eaten Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I appreciate your lawyers sending me those friendly messages but the use of your familair brand name is for comedic effect. I have also never beaten a cub Scout to death with a carrot like I've been accused of. Even though the little bastard dressed up in a Girl Scout uniform and tried to sell me cookies.

CYA

Earlier today I read on the internet that blogging can lead to trouble. Some gal posted about her aprtment having mold and the landord successfully won a lawsuit for $50,000. So here I am trying the old trick of covering my ass.

And it's not because of the internet poker bullshit.

My dog totally hates my hobby and is worried about why the strange little box is more important to me than he is. He's worried about my fixation with Asian women, why I yelled at him to leave me alone in the middle of me winning 900k in a play money sit and go, (gotta concentrate on this every once in a while.) The timing was awful. When I yelled at him he went outside into a massive rainstorm. After sealing the first place I made sure to get some bones inside him.

My lawyers tell me that I'm no longer allowed to call PokerStars "PokerFrauds" . They tell me that the only reason I've gotten away with it for so long is that the math is on my side, Kanye West told me this was a great blog but riggedpoker.com was better and Jarah's jeans don't fit too good anymore because of all the Ben and Jerry's icy treats.

Newest speculation - and I emphasize this is an opinion. The cards appear to be non-random and related to your chip stack. The last couple months I've constantly been killed with my average 150k stack, and when when it whittles to 300k I buy in to a big game and win. A little rando card consistency would be nice for a change of pace.

Joke of the Day:

What does it mean when there's a car parked on top of a fire hydrant? Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab 1/2 hour earlier.

Hollywood Poker

Giddy as a schoolgirl I decided to give PokerFrauds a break and log into a new site for the first time in months. This site will surely get a lot of love from me in the near future, because of the Pustule factor.

For those that don't know what the Pustule reference is about, let me bore you with the details. It's not just about the bogus card play, there is a simple matter of registering, picking your username and getting going. I've identified for sites that have Pustule as a username you can;t use because some chump already took it. And nine synonyms were taken on all three sites.

Hollywood came up on my radar because Mimi Rogers - To Cruise's first wife, the gal that turned him on to Scientology now plays and heavily endorses this site. It's only fitting that my username is Scientology related.

And I'm not even marginally surprised that LotdXenu has already been taken as a username. Within five minutes of trying to play on this site any credibility they might have gotten is already ruined.

No cash - yeah, like any sane person would want to play for real money.

Sitters

Picking and choosing my battles I've spent a heckuva lot of time in the 1 million chip range lately. So instead of just busting on the low level games I have the luxury of going to a high sit and go.

Now, three weekends in a row I've been teased like crazy. Top two places finish in the money, I finish third. Top five finish in the money, I finish sixth. Top 32 finish in the money, I finish 31st for insgificant chips.

Two consecutive high buy-in games, and I am treated with such disdain that someone with no skill to amass enough chips to sit at the table has the audacity to sit out. Yep, I'm multi-tasking - I'm having sex with my girlfriend, pounding down a bottle of Jack Daniels, eating a taco, walking the dog and chasing the midget next door with a broom....just for the fun of it.

And don't even bother with the midget reference, the lawyers have already called. I know it was insensitive. But, what you need to realize is that it's a midget Scientologist named David Miscavige, and he's been trying to reg me for more courses up the bridge and threatened me with bodily violence.

(Read St. Petersburg Times article "The Truth Rundown."

Like Scientology, internet poker is self-destructing. The rage from 6 years ago is gone, the sites continue to populate the playing field with liberal amounts of rigged AI and when you play with some modicum of sanity you are bad beaten into kingdom come. Idiot play is rewarded, ON THE FREE MONEY TABLES. Because the training to play like an idiot when you are finally stupid enough to break open the checkbook gets them that couple of bucks to keep the grist mill going.

Fairly recently PokerFrauds sent me a friendly email regarding how I should sign a petition to make internet poker legal. No way. Nothing would make me happier than to watch you crash and burn like Blockbuster video that screwed me over with their "late return-you bought the movie policy." I cut my membership card in half and mailed it back to them. Mostly because they didn't have a single movie with Jarah in it, secondarily because of the cheating me out of my money.

Hmmm, what does this possibly mean?

Just a bug we'will fix with the next update, blah,blah, blah. Eclipse in his part of the world, blah, blah. Looking at pctures of Jarah while multi-tasking on this obviously fradulent, blah, blah, double and triple blah. You PhotoShopped it....yeah I wish I was that good, blah googleplex blah.

Now me and my crack team of programers (me the dog and that family of fruit flies that seems to have housed themselves in my bathroom because they like the toothpaste) think it's awfully strange that a program running for so many years has a bug like this. That player has no chip info shown.

And this was immediately after I gave up investigating an obviously bogus "race table" where someone named something like "Eisbar" had no chip information except while the cards were being dealt when it showed them sitting out. I have the screenshot of that, but I'll only put it up if Jarah's lawyers tell me I have to. Amusingly, while I watched this race table one ostensible player (It's a word! Actually it really is a word! Sorry for getting out of character and not making shit up.) made the ludicrous claim he was playing just one last hand. If I was at that table instead of on a 12 player waiting list I would have correctly folded every single hand, watched him go all in that hand, sweep it, sweep the following two hands and get the majority of the statiscally unreal win in the next hand. Unreal because in race tables it's not like you can bluff someone out. Does anyone really fall for this admin crap anymore? (Take note guy at the distributor who works with the cute blonde....you need to fold a lot.)

Table three screenshot not posted here, but I will if the IFOIPPMGREHWCC (International Federation of Internet Poker Play Money Games Raing Every Hand With Crap Cards - avery real sounding, but fictitious group) requests it. Or if Jarah, Jarah's lawyers or the cute blonde at the beer distributor requests it.

Moving on and away from the blackhole games I land at a table where two (going to do the quote marks thing again, log off if you don't want to see it) "players" are local to each other and chat up a firestorm. After 20 hands, they have forgotten their friendship and ignore each other. Despite the fact that unless you are ultra-coservative and aware of what's really going on like me and you're not supposed to survive to this point, does anyone really still fall for this crap?

The only thing missing was the hot slutty chick scenario where you are supposed to figure she's clueless, try to impress her - and lose. Real 13 year old guys still fall for that crap according to my crack team of horndogs (me and the horndog.)

Internet Poker is a dangerous scam where the home court advantage is loaded to win. And since it's mostly just AI with an infinite chip stack (take note guy that works with the cute blonde that sells me beer) you must be extremely cautious, play the system instead of real cards if you want a chance to survive with a chip gain instead of refreshing with their generous 1k minimum.

This will be fun for me. I have a new target on my radar. Not only has Mimi Rogers ruined Tom Cruise's life by introducing him to Scientology, she apparently is a competitive poker player on Hollywood Poker.

The two biggest frauds on the planet wrapped up into one package. I will be visiting Hollywood Poker in the near future. After eight years of doing this it will certainly prove to be just as bad as the rest.

Hollywood, you have been warned.

Wild Chip Swings

Yep, I got 'em. And this is now two weekends in a row. And my bipolar behavior is probably brought on by the recent ESPN report that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady married the top supermodel on the planet.

Tom is certainly not married to Jarah, and the last the private investigators I hired reported, they probably haven't ever been in the same room together, much less knocked boots.

Ridiculous.

Just like the last two weeks of play. As I entered the weekend with my 900l and change, one would tend to think I have the self confidence and skill to not mess with a measly 5k buy in game at the crack of dawn (my time), but I did. Because as my 2 million four hundred and eighty six thousand fans know, the chips are less important than catching internet poker playing i a very non-human fashion.

Which is what Jukyboy here is all about. Only 95 "people" other than me bothered with this game. Understandable AI laundry doesn't just wash itself, actual effort needs to be input. AI dinner doesn't just cook itself, actual effort has to be put in it. AI dogs don't just walk themselves, actual effort has to be put into it. AI rechargeable batteries don't just recharge themselves, actual effort needs to be expended to put them in the charger. AI Asian porn surfers don't just get it emailed to them, they have to actively do it.

I have 4 more screenshots of Jukyboy, including an avatar I've seen in a previous game, and it's not like it was Phil Ivey or some other expected to be multiplied by more than won user. Some goofy looking nerd, which explains the idiot play.

At this point in the game the feeder AI on this fixed limit game has already blown their wad and fed the players like Jukyboy with their amazing skill. And now we're approaching the endgame where it's not just a question of if you win some chips, but exactly how many chips. I got moved to Jukyboy's table with a quarter of the chipstack his massive steroid induced skill had acquired. Obviously this guy is really, really good.

Or obviously this guy is raising this fixed limit tourney to the max and gets way greater cards than. Yeah, I'm gonna run with that one.

I find it difficult to believe that someone would log into a game that is competitive nature and simply hold their fat, talentless finger on the Raise button. What's more unbelievable is that so many of the remaining players weren't smart enough to realize what was going and and kept calling and re-raising. And losing.

I am proud to report that playing actual poker instead of raising every time I schooled JukyAI and finished higher than he did.

Tonight I only played one quick game of bogus 7-2 lowball. Before getting to the table I was met with the friendly message that a "new version of the software" was available. If history holds true this simply means that a new stable of AI names has been created, so I doubt I'll see Jukyboy ever again.

And I'm crying into Jarah's Ben and Jerry's because this bullshit is a lot more fun for me than actually winning chips.

And FYI - low point on the weekend, 400k chips. One magical not being screwed over too much 8 game tourney and I'm back over a million, in fact, more chips than I have ever had on PokerFrauds.

You can't win. I'll start over with the 1k freebies if I have to. I'm not going anywhere. Despite your really cute playing to make me lose instead of playing to win mode that you've been in these past two weeks.

Bills 14 Patriots 7. Giselle is thinking divorce. Jarah is waiting in the wings.

Internet Poker Survival Guide Revisted

As said before, I hate having to whine about the same old problems, but today's events remind me that there is just so much wrng with internet pokier I have to revisit a fairly recent topic.

The guy that sells me beer knows my passion for bogus internet poker. What he doesn't know is that I don't actually drink the beer or smoke the cigarettes. I only show up a couple of times a week to get a look at the cute, perky blonde chick that also sells beer.

Now what Doug (not his real name to protect the innocent) needs to undertand is that internet poker is something like 90% AI and 10% real people, and within that 10% is "players" that have admin type capabilities - where you see all the really weird shit. Doug, I'll post the pretty screenshots by Sunday....what you have to understand is what I've come to learn about what I call Vacuums and Feeders, folding one helluva lot, picking and choosing your battles which includes folding the best hand, being bored out of your mind, willing to blog a huge run on sentence, having Jarah eating ice cream instead of paying attention to you, burying your hamster in ashoebox in the backyard, flushing the dead goldfish down the toilet before the dead friend committee(me and the dog) realizes that the friend is missing.

OK, back to work. 25k buy in table which it's safe to say Doug doesn't have the chips to play on. Lucky for him. 7 players, top two are paid off. Triple Draw lowball. Recognixe the patterns.

Eight years ago the crazy raiser was the one that won the hand. Fast forward to three years ago or so where the crazy raiser bet into a hand that kills him. Everyone gets a good laugh at the incompetence of the crazy raiser, which 43.6% of the time is Tom Cruise since his alien parasites have forced him to nuke his film career and he's just pretty much lame and Hollywood untrusted now.

The newest and most evil created by internet poker pattern is that the chip leader winning a bullshit hand by idiots calling turns into a complete moron and bets like a Farber (ex-college dormmate riding the coattails of his parents financial success, didn't play poker but the dog is still pissed that he's probably worth over a million and I'm only worth 500k.)


Here are the rules for survivng internet poker:

1) Don't play on ring game race table. They are populated by at least one vaccuum that gets irrationally great cards.

2) Never, ever, ever, I mean and the dog and Jarah agree NEVER play the first hand seriously. It doesn't matter if it's Hold'em and you have a pair of aces. You will be beaten into bad beat kingdom come.

3) Don't play "weird" games. This doesn't apply to me since I feast on the "weird" games.

4) Never raise, just call even if you have a killer. The AI will do the raising for you.

5) Call information for numbers you could easily look up on your own. Not poker related, but it amuses Jarah.

6) If you get involved in a game with huge chat where there are at least two female player names (not neccessiarly real females) fold like crazy. One of their oldest tricks is to pretend that you are playing a female, lure you into a false sense of security and make you lose. EVERYONE knows that chicks can't play poker as good as guys.

7) Pay attention to the disconnects. In this day and age I find it hard to believe that 40% of the "people" are still on dfal up and get disconnected.

8) Vary your logins. Admins feast on a normal sleep schedule.

9) Target those that make a point of chatting with you. If the site has a search feature for a player name, and someone gets all friendly with you they are bullshit AI and you will lose.

Doug, what is the hot blonde chick's name, does she have a boyfriend and do I have a chance with her?

Things that don't make sense #17

Me and my crack team of "things that don't make any sense experts" (me, the dog a troubled youth that listens to too much Ozzy Ozbourne and bought a gun yesterday...and)

Oh, that was insensitive wasn't it?

And maybe my insensitivity is the reason I can play hours of poker and I'm hated so much that there can't be a simple little bit of idle chit chat. Or, just maybe you know I'm on to you and I've watched these sit and go games follow the same pattern time and time again.

Rigged. Riggedity rigged rigged. If I have to play one more 7-2 draw sit and go lowball where some jackass calls an all in with a high hand I'm traveling to their offices after buying my assualt gun and....

No, better not threaten. There are too many lawsuits agaist me already.

But seriously, I watched someone CALL. Frigging CALL an all in with a pair of aces on the first hand in lowball. It's not like you had the remotest chance of bluffing the killer hand. All you served to do was create an annoying raise every hand crazy raiser.

Being sensitive to my disdain, the dog reminded me I've got another project other than bogus internet poker to do. The bestest most greatiful show on TV is Showtime's Dexter. Since I pay for Showtime just for Dex I also feel the need to get my bang for the buck, and Penn and Teller's Bullshit! is another favorite. And since Scientology is Bullshit! I was quite amusedfull by their season finale on the Vatican.

Because it was targeting their religion the Catholic church managed to get it pulled off the air. Yep, it's gone.

After a conference call with the Illumanti, the Gnomes of Zurich and the captors of Xenu (and trying to just get some much needed sleep) we came upon this -

The Vatican and Scientology have a lot in common - multibillions of dollars, actively attack their critics, hate seeing anyone being remotely successful on internet poker and NEVER, I mean NEVER have ever bought a single box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Just like the Tom Cruise Scientology video Penn and Teller's The Vatican is still out there on YouTube and other sites The dog and I are going to multi-task and watch "The Mist" and this at the same time..

A new puzzle to figure out - The Titinger incident

First off, let6's backtrack to the weekend extended by a hliday on Monday which I didn't get to enjoy because I was on strike. 30 hours of poker on three days and scarciliffically a sign of real human life. I dropped 700k before winning a bogus 8-game tourney that since I was unafraidishly willing to plp down 200k of my remaining 400k I won and got back over a million.

The problem with free money internet poker is the lack of competition. You get the joylifical experience of playing against AI that is rigged to get better cards than you, and the playing algorithm (if you can call this shizznot play) raises like crazy.

Actually....I loved the weekend "dudes". If you have the skill to buy into a 200k sit and go one would be temptatiously expectedful that you might have an ounce of talent. Jarah thinks you're crap.

After a hardiful day at workage I decided to play at a table far less than my chip stack and skill level would normally want to bother with. And I found this strange, disturbomunatic table. The screenshot was taken because Caroline won something like 9 out of ten hands and it was obvious she was the flavor of the day (tastes like strawberries, so I'm told. I realized that Titanger was

1) Calling every hand.
2) Staying pat on every hand.
3) Not raising on every hand.

Dude (and Jarah and use that generously in the face of your pussificational lack of competitiveness, and we are a hellifically lot better at making up words that aren't real than you will ever be.

(GRATUITOUS BREAST JOKES TO FOLLOW, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

So, let us assume Tit is sometime first logger on kind of dude, and wants to keep aBREAST of what is going on in poker free money tables. He's not just some BOOB. But, instead of trying to RACK up chips, he (she?) is essentially sitting out. This is the anTIThesis of the massive raise, raise, raise, raise a bit more and if that doesn't work I'll make up another wordfactor and raise yet again. TATAs for now.

I promise you, if this continues I will figure it out.

Note to self-Just like the bogus Pustule related synonym names...must check out Maguppie related user names.

Watching the pros

You get to see Phil lose and bad English.

"I could care less" is a personal pet peeve of mine. You mean, "I couldn't care less." Think about it. "I could care less." How much less could you care?

Phil folds every hand on a real money game. If it quacks like a duck, it looks like a duck, it semells like a duck, it's bad AI.

The Full Tilt Matrix Reloaded

Thank you for the friendly email with the link regarding how daunting it is to play on more than one table at once. It made me rememebr that there is a site out there that you play on four tables at once.

I am capable of playing several tables at a time, so this game doesn't scare me. But apparently it scares everyone else since I played agaisnt nothing but artificial intelligence just now.

Playing multiple tables at one time requires that the dog is sleeping, Jarah is out shopping and the cable repair guy has finally stopped looking in awe at your Asian porn collection and left the house. In other words....you need to pay attention.

So, for a little non-human fun play a Full Tilt Matrix tourney. If you're a real person you might stop to think for a couple of seconds every once in awhile. But, AI doesn't have to think. It just obeys the program.

And guys(heh- he said guys), I noticed I should have gained 4k instead of just breaking even.

BPP

If you are a good little boy or girl and play for real money you also get the chance to accumulate "points" on these sites. There are tournaments that can only be entered with the points. And you can also go to the site store and trade those points for cool stuff like shirts, caps and underwear that you can display on your ass like events such as Carano vs. Cyborg and the rest of the card. Not surprisingly both fighters with Full Tilt on their ass won at that event.

Me and my crack team of not wanting to waste our money on real money games (me, Jarah, the dog, that cat with the death wish that keeps wandering around my work parking lot, 2 high school cheerleaders and a bag of stale potato chips) have identified that the reason the play money games also earn points. They are called "Bullshit Play Points" or BPP, for short.

Every raise is worth 1 BPP
Raising with complete crap is worth 2 BPP
Raising with complete crap and winning the hand when someone calls is worth 10 BPP
Every line of insanely stupid chat is worth 1 BPP
Posting "zzzzzzzzzz" in the insane chat is worth 5 BPP
Transferring chips by calling an obvious loser is worth 75 BPP
Activation of the time bank is worth 5 BPP
Registering and sitting out is worth 25 BPP
Making up an excuse that you have to leave the table then you stay in the hand and win is 100 BPP
Raising every hand for 20 hands in a row is worth 6,000,000 BPP

Folding a killer pre-flop is worth 0.005 BPP
Calling when you should have raised but you're too scared of the crazy raiser that irrationally keeps winning. Break even - 0 BPP
Buying into a game with more than the starter chips of 1,000 for newbies is worth 2 BPP.
Sucking up to rigged AI by psoting "nh" is worth 5 BPP.

When you accumulate enough BPP you can trade them in at the store.

3,000,ooo gets you a lunch date with Tom Cruise and your chance to get roped into Scientology.
500 BPP for Full Tilt underwear (offered on all sites, not just Full Tilt)
75 pounds of cocaine so you can stay awake all night and sit at Omaha Hi-Lo no limit and have the energy to play for 36 hours straight and get to 4 million chips on a 40k buy in table.
10 BBP for a cap.

And for the real human players- 2,3750,876,832 to buy into a statiscally reasonable table where you have a chance to win.

Guess I'll buy the cap.

Scientology "Front Groups"

I kniow what you're saying. How could there possibly be a tie in to internet poker. Actually, there is.

Scientology is the most destructive cult on the planet. Yes, there may be lots of them culty (yep, a word) things, but you only need to spend about an hour o the internet reading the crtical reviews to understand that they don't care about your personal well being or your spiritual freedom, they just want your money.

Let's just pretend for a minute and make up a name and a scenario. Let's say your name is Juliette Lewis. You have a blooming film career, you made way more money than you deserve considering your acting talent, and you get hopelessly addicted on drugs. But, wait! It's not hopeless! There is Narconon to save the day. Because as a Scientology front group they get a celebrity off the drugs, back into a money making career and use her to feed the grist for the mill. She's no Tom Cruise, but hey....Cape of Fear days Juliette....I'd do her.

And there were so many based in real science which Scientology hates programs that could have done the same thing. She could be comfortably living in a Swiss chateua drinking monkey's blood and praising her new demonic masters....(oh crap, where did that come from....dog, stop distracting me, I'm trying to blog.)

Internet Poer does the same bullshit.


Dig back a bunch of months into this blog. I used to spend a significant amount of time in a site called NLOP - The National League of Poker. Yeah...let's rope in some football fans! Sounds like a fun time!.

After the Free Trial Period (explained ages ago) where I scored a lot of initial success I hit the wall where they wanted me to click on advertisements to be continually successful (chipwise) and whenever I would manage to score a seat in the big title game the hands just became statsically unreasonable.

Haplorifically (yes, a word) I gave up on this sorry ass site ages ago.

But, my cookies and/or computer registry didn't. So when I got the friendly email from "PurePlay" I wanted to add them to my busted list. Same graphics as NLOP. NLOP is obviously a "front group". Near the end of the registration process I find that not only do I get to be cheated at poker I have to pay an annual membership fee. Ummmm.....I don't think so.

So I bailed without registering.

And to this day they continue to send me emails on the free points I've earned to log into their fradulent games.

Ain't gonna happen Hubbard lovers.

Worst Poker Table ever

After a 2 hour argument followed by making up which included lots of Ben and Jerry's, a long walk on the beach, bubbles, a stuffed goose, a swivel chair, a bagel slicer (don't ask) and prank calls to the Scientology Org acroos town, I got Jarah to admit that subtely this could be the single worst table I have ever played on. That's her up in the corner saying, "Number one in the 'hood, you rule."

There's no damaging evidence on this table, except that I have written the names down and I will be searching for these "people" on purpose because of the litany of errors and stupidity in the game.

madampoker timed out the first hand except for a couple of seconds on the new and improved 60 second instead of 45 second time bank. This timing out thing has become an increasingly popular feature of pretty much every sit and go I play at. Guys, it doesn't bother me. If the game goes on three hours I'll be there to the end. i play a lot.

Diane 101 won the first hand with most of the table (me and madam were the only ones that folded) by betting on a jack low. If you play enough single draw lowball you know that this is "jackshit low". It's not amazing that she bet it, it's amazing that so many "people" called it.

Kruz 18 was one of those idiot raisers that feel that it's an insult to their testosterone to call. I correctly pegged 'him" as the eventually winner after the fourth hand. (Editor's note: This does mean that I finished second.)

Within the first couple of hands Eagle called a big bet by madam with - a straight. As has been pointed out in the past, this is a 10k buy in table. If you don't understand the rules, you probably should try the game at a wee bit lower stakes.

JJ got off to the big chip lead and pissed it away by calling every raise made "his" way, including not being able to beat things like a queen low.

Naturally, in the hour and a half it took for this table to reach it's surprising Krum win conclusion - number of characters posted in chat -

0.

Jarah and I are really looking forward to this weekend. Monday holiday, lots of time to play. There will be lots of ice cream and bubbles and my crack teammate (the dog) being confused at why the little ox and the hot Asian chick are more important than me throwing a ball around the house. And the dictionary of fakelical but realish sounding words will be updated regularically. So, this is your friendcial warndoodle (soory - dog's idea) that you have two choices.

Keep up the non-human bavardage (that really is a word!) or stop offering tables that aren't populated by real humans.