Goddamn frigging A right you don't know how to play. And ther stern look from Jarah ought to make you just a weebit scared. Now maybe, just maybe, if you were a real human being you maybe, just maybe, never would have registered for this game.

But, NO. Instead, here you ised (yes, it's a word) raising the pot on three aces on a lowball game and joking about it.

Newsflash diddlehopper - I recocgnized the rigged nature of the table and played very low key. And I took first. 170k+ logggin' into 2k games - it's going to take you ages to get rid of me.

But of course, you won't get rid of me. I'll start over at 1k if I have to. Watching your infinite chip stack AI beating itself to death. Doing stupid diddlehoppy (yes, that's a word, too) stuff like raising all the time.

I'll deal with you tomorrow.

Jarah's escape from Scientology

A wee bit off topic tonight - so if you're looking for poker news - go suck dirt. And I mean that in the kindest fashion that a phrase like "go suck dirt" can possibly mean. After that seven stud hi-lo table, oh please enjoy my brainwashed free money chips.

Now, why is the gal so happy here? Because she was approached for a free personality test and was asked to sign a CCHR petition about the evils of psychiatric drugs. Now, me and my crack team of psychiatric drug experts (me, the dog, two canteloupes I had to throw out because they were rotting and small piece of silk that brought Jarah and I a bit of happiness in our better days) thought that it was weird -

and terribly amusing.

That the Church of Scientology has advertising space on the Clustermap on this blog. This blog averages like 3 hits a day, and two of them are me - at home and at work. And Co$ deemed it worthy to combat me by buying ad space? Don't you have something better to do like play an Omaha race table? Or maybe reconnect with your family? O rmaybe stop working 100 hour weeks for $46 a week? Or maybe stop fair gaming the critics?

Google these -

Operation Freakout

Operation Snow White

Lisa MacPherson

Two rotting canteloupes (the dog's suggestion, not mine)

Stacy Moxon's death by electrocution

etc...

etc...

etc...

Great, the family of Yul just called pissed about the King of Siam reference.

Co$ - please remove the ad.

hmmmmmm

Two multi-table tounerys. Multi-tasking. Chat - one bullshit zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Weird

Announced

The bizarreliest (it's a word!) screen I've ever seen. And it's not a Photoshop hack job.

Lately I have been playing low buy in tourneys far below what my talent level would suggest I do. I couldn't register for any of these games. I poked around a bit to see if any of the other 69,000 "people" whined about it, and a normal screen did come up complete with thousands of eager players ready to lose hard earned free money chips.

Guys, it's not like you just had an update and a bug. It's just a stupid "this is a data base not an interface screw up."

Take the players listed on the lobby screen, divide by 100 and add 38 and that's a more accurate count of the real "people" playing. (It was the dog's suggestion for the plus 38, I calculated 47.)

Bullseye from PokerFrauds

You know, you really could serve your cause a lot btter by making the cards random instead of putting the cards into non-random Xenu loses mode.

I would much prefer to sit back and watch the new episode of Burn Notice instead of proving my point again, and again and again.

The math goes this way - at one time I had over 400k on PokerFrauds. Since then the drought of non-random cards and "players" playing to make me lose instead of playing to wini it has been insane.

Just like Scientology eventually you will collect enough footbullets that real humans will wake up and cry out, "BULLSHIT!"

Ok, admin I control the whole table fartknockers - you can beat me any time you want. So keep raising on these meanimgless free money tables.

My Jarah's crack team of experts (the dog and 73 drunken frat guys that have noticed that piece of floss covering the most perfect butt on the planet are waiting for you.

Scientology and Poker Part two

Me and my crack team of Scientology experts ( me and the dog) have discovered a weird and inhuman connection between these two.

BOTH OF THEM ARE CONCERNED WITH WHAT PLY THE BATHROOM TISSUE HAS!

Jeff Stone has been going all in every hand and just doesn't understand that Jarah needs her soft wipes. It gets her through her day when her lawyers attack me for my false impisonment of her child suit.

Her friends, Lisa Macpherson and Stacy Moxon are just a wee bit pissed about being thrown under the bus and aren't alive to enjoy this. Maybe if they had a great hobby like playing internet poker they would still be alive today.

Aw, no way. Internet Poker and Scientology are probably competing with each other for the biggest scams on the planet. At least the critics of Scientology have taken a massive foothold over the past two years and this cult is losing major traction and will probably disappear. Internet poker with the admin positions and their infinite chips and raising all the time probably ain't going away in the near future.

Me an my crack team of English experts (me and the dog) know that ain't wasn't ain't good English. But, the dog does know by stepping his paw every time I say "OhmygoshgollygodheebieejebbieIamsotiredfromtheVicodinwherethehellismystrollerbutohyou'renotthatoldyetmybone?ThanksDad!"

........that internet poker is just a wee tad tiny little...

Fuck.

Big time rigged.

Like, nobody plays seriouslyand plays to make me lose rigged. And it's only free money games. Why do you care, other than making my life miserable and praying I will leave.

Eventually Anonymous will turn their hacker eyes to you and I will have the last laugh.

I really hate repeating myself

But geez, out there somewhere there MUST be a real human that wastes time on poker sites play oney tables that has a friend or family member that is a poker pro and/or understands a little bit about math.

Race tables suck. They're just a convenient excuse to go all in every hand. But, race tables can develop into an even more bogus endgame where the time commitment to keep playing develops into superhuman number of hours played. For a real person. You get one player over a million, a couple of positions approaching 1 million. Several positions sporting hundreds of thousand chips on a 40k max buy-in. And a huge wait list. So that those with an infinite time to play free money games that get clogged still have an income stream. Drink Mountain Dew for three days straight, call your friends up and say, "DUDE - I have a million chips - you HAVE to log in, join the wait list and feed me! It doesn't matter that I haven't eaten for thirteen days! (Goddamit that dog is looking tasty.) I NEED FREE MONEY CHIPS!" And the dudes, and not to be sexist the gals provide it.

That's right you primitive screw heads listen up. See this? This is my FOLDSTICK. It's a double gauged Foldington top of the line. This sweet baby was made in Gran Rapids, Michigan. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right, this is PokerFrauds top of the line. Shop smart. Shop PokerFrauds smart. YOU GOT THAT!!?!!

Now I swear, anyone of you primates even pre-flop RAISES on me.....

I'll probably fold since everyone gets more pat hands than I do and the draws are far less than satisfying. Like, non-random rigged kind of non-satisfying. (Since I fold a lot I get to play deep into the "random" tourney and see what "folks" are betting on and the ever present playing to make me lose instead of playing to win nonsense.)

Jarah took a break from admiring herself in the mirror to voice her support despite our upcoming legal issues. Hun, (ohmigod, it's so great that I haven't seen that in the bogus chat lately) stop trying to barbecue the dog. Surprisingly he really, reall hates that. Let's get you some cyber Pringles before you starve on the race tables.

And me and my crack team of random card analysts (me, the dog, the three positions on the past three weeks that were created based on this blog, 78 high school cheerleaders, a groundhog that wandered into my back yard, the hot girl that was at the Nissan dealership when I bought my new car, a rubber hose that I ran over with my lawn mower and an insurance adjuster that thinks my trade in is worth nothing) all think -

This is bullshit.

Jarah finishes out of the money

No wait a minute. I've been cyber-stalking this girl for months now. I even know her cat's name is Poofur. And after another weekend of non-random cards you expect me to believe I just happened to manage on a table with her last name?

Poofur experts (me and the dog) think this is just a tad bit strange. Almost like I have to give up on internet poker because you can't sit at a table and swing a dead Poofur tail without hitting a stupid pre-flop raise.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT - NO POOFURS WERE INJURED DURING THIS POST.

Jarah, call me - 555-555-4855

Sicentology + Internet Poker = Scienpokerology

Let me tell you a story. Grab a cup of iced coffee and kick back. Put on your flip-flops and eat a bowl of Cheerios.

Finished with breakfast? OK, here we go.

Billions of years ago the evil intergalactic overlord Xenu knew he had a problem with overpopulation of free money chips on internet poker sites. So, with the aid of psychiatrists he lured people into his shack behind the flophouse by demanding that they be audited for taxes. Once these people with way too many free money chips were gathered, Xenu froze them and stored them on rocket ships that looked like DC8 airplanes.

Xenu then dropped these people into the volcanoes of Jarah's homeland of Hawaii (despite what my crack team of geographers say dinn't exist at the time.)and blew them to smithereens with nuclear weapons. The chips were free from their captors,and they floated to the sky. But, Xenu was prepared for this. He built giant chip catchers and named them PokerStars, Absolute, Ultimatebet and a host of others.

After capturing these free money chips, Xenu sent them to giant brainwashing stations. There he implanted false images of random cards, Tom Cruise, global pyramid schemes, obedient dogs and hot Asian women.

After being brainwashed the chips were released. And when man evolved from brine shrimp and tiny pieces of leprechauns keft over from the first shooter new age war, the brainwashed chips attached themselves to man (and some hotties) and these are the cause of all of our troubles today.

All of our fears, troubles and bad relationships can be eliminated by Scienpokerology auditing. All you need to do is buy a "p meter" and register for an online game and the meaningless free money chips will be taken away. Scienpokerity also created the race table to enhance your auditing experience. Going all in every hand will get you to OT and you'll be one with the MEST and you'll have no worries about the Martian Bishop running you over with a steamroller. Lisa MacPherson will protect you and feed you free money chips.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay.
That was weird.

In my misbegotten life I've identified a couple of things that don't make sense. First and foremost is the lack of serious play on intenet poker sites. If you're going to play like a jackass and go all in every hand, you must be really, really bored. (if you were a real person and not just a computer program.)

Now, me and my crack team of scared of thunderstorms experts (again, just the dog....and dammit we're getting pretty sick of it) have noticed that you can't steamroll a Martian doll in this town without sitting at a table without some "person" making an irrational pre-flop raise. All you have to do is go to PokerFrauds and buy in to any multitable low limit game.

For more info on the scam of Scientology visit Operation Clambake and South Park season 9 episode - Trapped in the Closet

Jarah is NOT just posing for a hot photo. She's looking at the screen shot while being bored and ignored like her buddy (the dog) and saying, "WTF?" (In her own inimitable hottie way.)

So, what exactily was wrong (extra "i" on purpose, don't complain.) Well, you just complained about the slow speed of play before the slow speed occurred. And the annoying two year old did it a couple of times more. Not surprising. Two year old AI has yet to catch up with the rigged internet poker world.

What Lulu (not her real name it's actually Greg from what my private investigators tell me) should have been complaining about is how the player to her immediate left got the strangest and craziest "oh my god I wish I was in Vegas bullshit great hands" I've seen since this weekend.

And not a peep from the jackbabewipe when I timed out. I guess all that energy laying on the z key wore her out. By the way, not real person...I did take second place. I finished in the money, you and you're crack team of rigged AI (Not me, not my dog, Michael Weston, two Navy seals, and 47 80 plus old ladies at the fire hall bingo game laugh at your pathetic excuse for an attempt to make it look for real. Especially after the bs Hold'em game where I was too scared to play for real that went before.

Try harder. The dog is tired of being on these committies and just wants to go to sleep.

Now wait just one riggedy rigged minute

Or hours. Or even days. Or even weeks. Or even getting damn close to a month.

Rigged tanning. Please explain why she has this flawless and beautiful skin color. When I sit in the salon I get boils on my pasty white flesh and no tan, and the dog get's scared that maybe I'm just really not the same person that raised him from a pup. We think (me and my crack team of tanning experts) think that there is just something a bit wrong with this golden, perfect flesh thing.

And this relates to......Oh My God! Actually taking first place in a tourney after a tortured month of pain.

Yeah, good job guys tonight's win ALMOST looked for real. But after something like 40 hours of complete BS on the weekend it's just a tiny little bone. Over 400k down to 130k on many, many, many, many, many, many....

(Have I said many yet?) tables that were obviously set to Xenu loses mode.

So, please splain to me how I can play forty hours on the weekend, drop major chips on Vitos style tables and suddenly after the weekend is over the lack of random cards reverts to almost like normal real cards. I was still extremely short stacked tonight and had to play like the non-existent mortgage was on the line. In other words - instead of 400k I'm down to 100k and I can't just buy in to the obvious rasie, raise......hmmmm, maybe I'll raise...nonsense that pervades internet free money poker.

At least three weekends in a row on Xenu loses mode. Maybe, well fucking duh...random cards might be a nice change of pace for a little bit of credibility.

Sorry about the potty mouth Jarah. I owe you some Ben and Jerry's.

NOTE: THE LAWYERS FOR JARAH MARIANO DO NOT CONDONE THIS BLOG. JARAH DOES NOT TAN BECAUSE SHE IS ALREADY AN ASIAN HOTTIE IGNORANT OF THE FACTS THE HAVE DRIVEN HER TO THE DEPTHS OF INTERNET POKER DECEPTION DESPITE THE FACT THAT HER STALKER CLAIMS TO HAVE SOME CONNECTION WITH HER. WE HAVE SEIZED HIS ASSETS, THE LAWSUITS ARE GOING FORWARD, AND DESPITE HIS LAME HIS ATTEMPTS HERE, HE'S BASICALLY JUST FUCKED. NOT A NUT ON A SANDWICH. MAYBE SOME FISHSTICKS.

And I could play bogus blackjack on UB/AP but......sell I'm not going anywhere other than burning off AI.


Sleeeeeep

Vitos - the Greek God of poker vitamins

He's vitalized with vitality. He's vital to our economy. He's a viteran of BOC's Psychic Wars. He raises vitually every hand, his eyeball vitreous humer is keen to spot the weakness in those that are smart enough to actually fold a hand every once in a while. He is in no way vitrescent - an unpredictable machine and he's certainly not vitriolic as his reign of terror contained absolutely no taunting chat whatsoever.

He (OK, could be a she - that is if AI has a gender) did manage to garner some choice words at Jarah's press conference. Jarah's press conference had 736 main themes, but I will only recap the top of the line good stuff.

#1) Where the hell is my Ben and Jerry's?

#2) Where are my child support payments?

#3) What the hell is up with all these VIT words including mutating "veterans?"

#4) Don't you people have some shoe shopping to do?

#5) Oh, look! A puppy!

#6) The magnetic attraction between two oppositely charged particles is directly proportional to the charge on those particles and inversely proportional to the distance between them. (She's been dating some jackwipe named something like "COOL LAUM."

#7) Skip down to #412 - and, ohhh look! A puppy eating Ben and Jerry's! Sure hope that's not chocolate!

#412) Why on God's green but getting tanned due to global warming Earth would there be so much cheating on free money internet poker games? Let me tell you why.

Because there's no Ben and Jerry's in hell and you need those free money chips to buy your way into heaven. Or at least be able to make an obscure physics reference to get you up on God's radar screen.

Now, PokerFruads really better get their act together before some pros finally start playing at the same obscure tables I do and see the obvious Vitos nonsense. Because me and my crack team of "I've painted a big bullseye on me - you hate me and I know it experts" (me, the dog, a Brazilian movie production company, the army of bedbugs lodged into my mattress and the genius that actually picked a picture of Jarah for their avatar that I saw this weekend.....)

.....then maybe, just maybe, although I highly doubt it.....I'll find a new site to play on.

Me and my crack team of statistics experts (ok, the joke has been beaten to death) have noticed something.

Number of people raising because they are trying to bluff someone out - 4%

Number of people raising beacuse they genuinely think they have the best hand - 9%

Number of people raising because they're sitting at the table - 86%

Number of people raising expecting to score Ben and Jerry's ice cream - 1%

Jarah press conference note # 617 - apparently an erg is a dyne per centimeter squared.

But can you make an omelette?

Now, I'm not saying this is rigged or even the remotelessly weird. I'm just trying to enjoy the new episode of Burn Notice and convince my crack team of thunderstorm scared experts (just the dog) that maybe, just maybe there can possibly be some real human players out there that can explain how I can make the final table after 14 hands are played on a two table game.

Well, let me clue you in. You can't because the supposedly random cards are set on "Xenu loses" mode.

AI raises. AI wins. AI raises. AI wins. AI raises and bets into a killer. AI loses to AI and trades chips into other AI. Jarah has sex with the gardener and AI doesn't have to sleep and AI wins. The gardener opens an account, his real money is frozen so he taps into the infinite "it's not for real poker I can raise evrey hand give me more chips I don't actually have to work for" mode.

Not a single one of the hands I folded would have been a winner.

Hey Bruce Campbell just took a sip of beer! I've never seen that before! Just like I've never seen jacwipes raise on internet poker! On meaningless free money tables! And he called Jeffrey Donovan Mikey! I've never seen that before!

Random cards, probability and statistics over the long haul. You might want to consider that before having your rigged AI play against me, Jarah, the dog (he KILLS on 8 game!), 786 Serbian gardners, ALL the Scientologists on the planet, the asshole that created Twighlight, Badoff's pyramid scam, the guy that posted my dog on Facebook, (old photos of the family (dog is pisssed he wasn't involved)) and lots of nasty stuff I am too embarrassed to talk about because I locked up the Asian Porn and all the indications are that Jarah and her Asian friends are working with the lawyers on getting this blog shut down..

Well, until then.......

Sorry, rigged internet poker.......you just look, smell, drop your laundry on the floor without cleaning it.....rigged.

I might play against real Hoomans tomorrow. It's a lot more fun to lose to real hoomans than riggged AI.

Secret Operative Jarah Mariano comes forward

And believe me, she's not a happy camper. Her online account dwindled from $785, 246, 309.28 into $12.36 after too many games of Omaha Hi=Lo real money. She tried to cash out those last few bucks, but the US Government (278th greatest country on the planet!) decided to freeze those accounts.


http://www.comcast.net/articles/sports-general/20090609/US.Online.Poker/

Which actually works against me since I would have stood to get a big payoff on the divorce settlement and Lord knows, I need those free money All-In who cares about the stack size chips.

Now, don't get me wrong. I can't complain too much about tTe poker play tonight. For a change of pace I sat in on 7 stud hi lo. After an hour of farting around on this and gaining just enough chips to play in my favorite bogus (yes, me and my crack team of bogus poker players, me and the dog ,and the Canadian bike team team and apparently some of their mothers with severe health problems due to their costltly surgical incisions.)

Just a little bit weird that real people would invest so much time of their life on this.

Which means......um screw you internet poker. Deal with me and your lack of random cards on the free money tables. The amount of money I lose on the pending Jarah lawsuits is far less then what I'll get when the Justice Dept. gives me after pointing my finger at Jarah and the fucking dog. (Traitorous little walk needy infidel.)

Things that don't make sense, part wahtever

Why does Jarah have her hands wrapped around a pole? Me and my crack team of strip club experts ( me and the Canadian bike club that has been following her) have come to the conclusion that when she was 18 years old and pregnant that she really needed the money in a bad way, crossed paths with a pimp named Rocco, changed her name briefly to Tina Santez, opened a car wash under the pseudonym Ohmigodyayagottabekidding? (Yes, complete with the question mark) and got involved with my world of internet poker.

Now, what Jarah (hun, can I call you that since that's internet pokers favorite term of affection between alleged male and female players?) wants to understand so the lawsuit can be completed is why there are so many wild mood swings and so much inconsitency.

What she and my crack team of inconsitency experts have noticed (me and a retired New York couple that have been shopping for useless shit on Amazon) is that lately the cards on the weekend are set to "hi real human, by the way, you lose" mode. And during the week, things actually aren't too bad.

Me and my crack team of mortgage bankers (me and 13 college students taking some classes and getting lucky with the fat girls) wonder that during this week.......

And the past two before that.....

Why is it that other on the non-weekend I actually have a chance of scoring and I play on the weekend and the weekend guys, gals, New York couples, Rubik's Cube inventors, Harper's Island scriptwriters and all those directors that have ever made a movie with David Carradine suddenly come up and play like the mortgage on the house is what the stakes are keep inning om meaningless play money games?


(Editor's note: David Carridane may be the father of Jarah's baby. The Carradine family has denied this. The lawsuit will be costly.)

And bullshit internet poker rolls on.

And I think what it is - TARP. Troubled All-in Ridiculous Poker. The banks have loaned a crapload of free money chips to the FreckledMoms of the world. Now, they're recalling them. The play money chip poker industry is way in danger of going bankrupt. So FreckledMom, et al (the bogus race table positions after being bailed out) are now in a sad position that they need to repay those loans to stimulate the American economy and ergo, the World Economy by getting those free money chips back into the system. Me an my crack team of All-In analysts (me, the dog, Ben Bernanke, David Carradines family and two Norweghian arctic fox hunters) agree.

Just for the sake of the argument

Let's call this jackwipe GODSEAGLE. For no better reason than, well, that was his screen name.

Now Goddy isn't incompetent. He knows how to raise. And he got the chip lead and by golly raised almost every single hand. After a quick makeout session with Jarah and some toe sucking I brought my "A" game to the table and managed to take a second place.

Now, PokerFrauds knows I love 2-7 lowball. Actually, it was kind of surprising that I did manage second. I cut them a break yesterday and didn't play so I could pay my video tribute to David Carradine, despite him being a frigging Scientologist. Death Race 2000. Oh yeah baby. It don't get much worse than this. Other than the multiple showers getting your saliva out of my toes.

Now, GE, please splain to me three things. Why we're you in on EVERY SINGLE HAND? Surely you must have drawn some crap along the way. Why did most of those hands have an irrational pre-flop raise? And why the hell did you make the dumb ass comment (in all caps just like has name!) that you almost always make the finals when we went head to head -

On a one table game.

Duh.

You register for a one table game you make the final table.

For crying out loud, I've got this heat wave going on still, my crack team of eating bones (the dog) not happy with all my internet play, 12,000 toy sdoldiers launching their bazookas at me becuase I dissed Steven King and Jarah puking because she's lactose intolerant and the yogurt is just killing her

Best TV series:
Burn Notice
NCIS
All the CSIs

Distracting me from internet poker -priceless.

More things that don't make sense

Why do swimsuit models always cover up the fun stuff with their hands?

Why does the value of PI have to go to infinite decimal places? Are you that secure in your place of the math kingdom that you maybe just can't repeat a digit every once in a while?

Screw you PI.

Why do pornos generously call themselves a "movie" when you want to play them? The DVD player says "Play movie. "Jarah has never been in one, believe me I'd have seen it, bought it, stalked and got an autograph if it existed.

Now, splain (still a word even if I made it it up.) Why can't you swing a dead cat in this town without finding an Omaha Hi Lo table without someone pre-flop raising?

Jarah hates this all in nonsense. (Or at least her lawyers tell me so.) And, I kinda do. (kinda is also a real word.)

Assholes - math, probability, stats. Keep screwing me over.

Things that don't make sense in the world of music

Let's start with Carly Simon, because this has the most credibility. "You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you." Well, yeah. Actually it is about you. Add on the line "You're where you should be all the time, BUT WHEN YOU'RE NOT." And those great lips, too. Jarah is just a bit jealous. Me and my crack team of jealousy experts (me and the dog) sent her a fruit basket. And the dog is getting pretty jealous on how I keep speding so much time wasted on this little box known as a computer and that these goddamn thunderstorms continue to rake our world. Dude, I promise you, when the weather clears you will get to go for a walk. Unless your arthritis prevents it.

Rocket Man by Elton John. There's a line about who raisng your kids in space is dumb because "it's cold as hell." Oops. Space, from the last time me and my crack team of outer space experts checked (me and the dog) thought that outer space might just be a bit on the tiny, vacummly (it's a word!) cold side.

Jim Croce - rididculous, and I will purposefully step on some feet here. Decent, but if it wasn't for the tragic death he wouldn't be rememered. Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown. Promoted as the biggest tough ass and in the song there is one fight. And he loses. The formula was so successful that "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" was essentially a remake.

Bloah, blah, blah. What do you have to say about pofer on the internet?

Well,. The dog disagrees because when I'm at my most frustrated he usually gets a bone and I go to bed pissed off. An occasional Jarah petting session averts this, but at the times when Jarah is hanging with Natalie Portman I just have to fend for myself.

I've "cut my teeth" on internet poker playing Omaha Hi-Lo. As the years have gone on and the tons of hands I've played I've discovered that I know the math, and I'm not interested in your bogus play money race game tables on Omaha. But I still continue to investigate them. Three players on one table with more than 1,700,000 chips? Yeah, right. Idiot play is rewarded. Real, sane, rational and not distracted by some Jarah action is killed.

Yet more things that don't make sense

There will be meaningless pictures of Jarah here. If you don't like it, move on. And if you are a male between the ages of 14 to pre-death, you're a moron. Live with it. Or read something else.

The non-poker stuff:

Why does Western Pest Control call their company Western Industries North when they are based in.....Atlanta Georgia?

Why does the pilot of Burn Notice have Fiona as an IRA soldier complete with accent, and then suddenly they just drop it an "Fi" is American without the accent?

Why do the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus make so much money on so little talent?

And why don't people admit that global warming is a myth despite the fact that in May I have to blast the airconditioning to get some modicum of comfort? Really, scientists made this shit up so they could make a buck.

Note: Me and my crack team of uncomfortable with the heat experts (me and the dog) are in disagreement about this one.

Now, the poker.

Again, I find it strange and weird that I can sit in on a 10k buy in table, after bringing my "A" game to the table, struggle through times when I was the shortest stack, bluff every once in a while and manage to take a second place with positive chip flow for the fourth tourney in a row. I'm not that good. (I think.) But the problem is that I played in like 20 million bazillion tourneys on the last weekend and I couldn't have won a hand much less a tourney if the neighbor's cat life depended on it. (Me and my crack team of checking on the neighbor cat, me and the dog, have been keeping up on this.)

So, screw the successful finish in the chips finish, there was just a teeney, tiny minuscule bit of something wrong with this game. Before the first hand, Wingnut, probably from Australia, sent out the obligatory "good luck to all" message. "Dawn" responded. And immediatley sat out.

Dawn, please splain why you even logged in to the table? Infinite chips and just to get the table going without a two hour wait? Your friend is playing! Get up off the rocking chair, stop the lesbian Jarah fantasies and get with the program! Played the first hand and just fed the pot for the rest of the sit and go.

(Jarah's lawyers have contacted me and assure me she is not a lesbian.)

Things that don't make sense part 3

Why isn't Jarah married to some rock star by now? After our relationship ended it was pretty obvious that she was a hot commodity.

Why does Champion Sportswear continue to send me catalogues after my angry letter complaining how they cheated me out of $80 by not delivering the merchandise I ordered? (Love the sweats, they were Jarah's favorite.)

Why don't pigs fly if there is a swine flew epidemic?

What makes prime numbers so special that they're prime instead of ordinary numbers? Prime rib is special. They seem like just another bullshit number to me.

How come there have been so many goddamned thunderstorms lately? Hah - caught you rigged deity - I still managed to cut the back yard this weekend.

And why don't operating loss carryforwards reduce your taxable income? (Sorry, an accountant thing.)

OOPS. I said it. I'm an accountant. I'm a numbers guy. Well, a numbers and looking at pictures of hotty babes guy. (Or is that "hottie"? I can never get that straight.)

Please splain - yup still a word even if I'm the only that uses it - how I can play for thirty plus hours on the weekend and drop over 200k chips on obvious bullshit hands and now miraculously I'm three for three finishing in the money?

I'll tell you why. PokerStars got audited and needs to drop some play money chips so their operating loss carryforwards reduce their taxable play money income. Which leads me to what my friend said years ago that launched my career. Why would they cheat at the free money tables? It's answered by two basic facts. First, since there are liberal amounts of AI out there - accidentally cheating by rigged AI getting incredible cards to give the illusion of competence. Second - I am really one annoying bitch. I can tell when I'm being screwed over. And I don't care too much other than the fact that chips are a necessary evil. And I'll keep playing and folding an irrational number of hands, and start6 over at 1k if I have to.

This table was my third of three consecutive top finishes. This suprised me since something very weird happened on the first hand and I was certain I was going to be bad beated into doom instead of finishing second. Chiefy timed out on the first hand. Without the 45 second time bank being activated. I had him pegged as the eventual tourney winner, but he died at the surprisingly "playing to win not playing to make Xenu lose" hands of buckhunter,

But despite the second - is it too much to ask that you follow you're own fucking rules?