And this, dear friends is EXACTLY what is wrong with internet poker.

I prefer an honorable single table sit and go (I said "honorable" that's funny!) But I will sit in on many bullshit tables mostly to wtach the lack of real humanivity (It's a word!)

Lack of real humanivity is shown by doing something stupid like going all in every single freaking hand.

You could be doing something more productive with your life, but since you have infinite rigged server chips and you only exist to make things annoying for real humans you have to raise all in every single hand.

And let me guess - after winning 100k free money chips on this bogus table I'm supposed to get all warm and fuzzy and break out the credit card and play for real?

It's only free money chips....blah blah blah. That's why it's so loose blah blah blah. Jarah is a hottie blah blah blah.

With this lack of skill where did you even get the 20k to buy into the table?

Oops - forgot. AI

I can do this every day

Watching hot pics of Jarah. I can get into this. All I have to do is Google her name and I can get some hot photos of the most gorgeous woman on the planet.

Wait a minute. No. That's not what this post is about. It's about Lucy Lee ad Tia Tanaka and Kianna Tai and Evelyn Lin and other hot Asian porn babes.

Crap! no it's not about that. It's about Scientology clearing the planet and saving us from all of our problems.

DOG! Shut up and eat your bone! You're distracting me! No Ben and Jerry's for you!

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Let's just pretend that internet poker is populated by real people trying to get ahead by playing "poker" and having earned chips by struggling to get ahead they want to get more free money chips, just to prove that they know what they are doing. I don't want to put captions on cats on silly pictures. I don't want to post on my friends Facebook wall. I don't want to Twitter about what I did today. I don't want to take the dog for a walk. I don't want to upload images on YouTube. I don't want to shake a stick at the squirrels investigating my garbage. I don't want to be awake, but I am, I don't want to watch Burn Notice, but since I aspire to be AI. I'll be there.

The player with the massive stack goes all in every hand and keeps winning. Real human logs in and joins the wait list and the faggot bails

Tia, Jarah, Lucy, Evelyn and all their lawyers say:

BBBBBUUULLLLLLSSSSDHHHIIIIIITTTT

Every day I can find a bogus race table where the cards are not random and the betting is non-human.

Lucy is not happy

She's been taking the passing of Michael Jackson particularly poorly. No amount of Ben and Jerry's has been able to console her. Fortunatley, I called in a favor to Weird Al Yankovic and we managed to perk her up a bit. After plying Al with booze for 9 hours and avoiding a LOT more copyright infringement allegations from both MJ's estate and Als' lawyers we came up with this. Lucy managed to spoon down three hits of Ice cream and turned a very weak smile.

BET IT

They told him don't you ever come around here.
Don't wanna see a pair of threesjust disappear.
I'm sitting at this table and I'm feeling really weird,
So bet it. Just Bet it.

You better run, you better fold those twoss.
Surely you know they're gonna have to lose
Even though I have 4-8 offsuit I'm gonna choose
To bet it. I'll bet it.

(Chorus)
Just Bet it. Bet it. Bet it. Bet it.
It don't matter if I gotcomplete shit.
I'm gonna prove that I am legit.
I'm gonna raise till they all quit.

Just Bet it.
Just Bet it.
Just Bet it.
Just Bet it.

They're out to get you better do what you can.
The inside straight draw is a stupid plan.
Fold to my preflop bet, just do it man
So Bet it! Just Bet it!

(Chorus)
You have to show them you're really not scared.
You're playing with you full stack like you just don't care.
Probably because you know your ace will be paired.
So Bet it. Just Bet it.


Don't have to play for hours to earn chips by skill.
You'll just refresh and impose your will
And your chat really proves your a dill.
So Bet It. Just Bet It.

Bet it! Bet It!

Who the hell cares about Farrah.
Everyone knows about Jarah.

(Al was a bit too intoxicated at this point. Lucy had called Jarah for an ice cream run. Three badgers wrote letters to their congresman regarding the scence in Monty Python's Holy Grail regarding the Giant Wooden Badger and seven Scientologists just realized they pissed away $360,000 on nothing. And all this with the Mayan Calendar ticking away to December 2012.

Nice knowin' ya'all. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I've seem a lot of lame and dumb ass shit on internet poker. By the way...took first so screw you.

A reason for caps lock???? Apologies for caps lock? So, you're running a Commdore 64, you're 90 years old (playing like a two year old) and you can't figure out how to get the caps lock button off?

Maybe you just wanted to make it to the blog. Lots of cheaters have. And they've done a lot of more creative ways than a lame excuse for a caps lock. The slutty hot all in babe, the "Oh I have to leave the table" raise when they could just sit out.

Blahhh blahhh.

Smarten (it's a word!) up. Don't offer a table if it can't be populated by competent real people.

Amusing

Not only do you need to play against obvious not humans and obvious not random cards you are met with a friendly "Stay Connected!" message, and in two consecutive multi player tourneys I've been disconnected.

Checked the modem, sorry guys. I'm still here. A simple restart and I'm back at the table playing your fradulent game.

Now that I have decided to screw with UltimateCheat for a while I have to report that I've played for something like 12 hours and haven't seen any signs of real human life.

Wake up and smell the Mountain Dew.

This sure looks like someone failed big time at meaningful chat 101. Get this, not just once, not just twice but three times this vacuum called their own "nh" in one tourney. And nobody posted that they had a nice hand each time. Well, of course you're going to win. Your non-random cards make it so. Do you really have to rub it in by being so blatant about it? Or did you just want to see more Lucy pics since you're too lazy to Google them on your own?

Now, Lucy is a strange bird. There has been a boob job, and this pic isn't too flattering, but my crack team of looking at hot Asian women while I get screwed over at internet poker (me, the dog, Jarah and 25 ex-Scientologists and two kittens that showed up on my doorstep think it's just a tad bitty weird that I can play on a site for two hours and have like 16 characters of chat. Looks like UB isn't up to my "making it look for real" challenge.

In an effort to distract you fartbags - Lucy in red latex - totally hot. Must go to the bathroom now.

Flashback to Several Months Ago

For the past several months PokerStars and I have been engaged in an argument on whether I know how to play or not. Their side of the argument is - I'm at the table, my crack team of experts (them and their hamsters) has identified that the way to poker success is to raise every single hand. My crack team says that you forget about all the heavy raising early and be patient. Which really is a good poker strategy, except that it's so annoying to play short stacked all the time,

PokerStars has finally shown some signs of giving in to a "play for real" mentality instead of an "all-in" mentality. Ergo, I'm getting bored with you. So, I have been remiss with messing with some other sites since I've been proclaiming, "By Golly L. Ron Hubbard and David Miscavige, I DO know how to play poker. Because Scientologists have magical super powers one would have thought I'd be wiped out by now. Keep it up. I'll leave you alone and get my info from my long ignored and trusty friends at the combined Ultimate/Absolute database.

Oh, yeah. Database. Not an interface.

FreckledMom is still active, raising, and winning way too many hands. This screen shot was on a 2k buy in table.

And get this. Not once. Not ONCE did they acknowledge the war in the supremacy of who is the hottest Asian babe on the planet. Ordinarily, you would tend to expect it's Jarah, but geez....Lucy is literally SMOKING.

So, a friendly warning to UB and Abs. You're up on my radar screen again. Try to make it look for real. Real people actually fold a hand once in awhile.

Time to watch UACJWMC. Ultimate Asian Chick Jello Wresling Challenge. Tonight's card includes the girl that played agent Lee from NCIS and two girls I met at the market in Pasedena three months ago. should be a lot more fun than getting cheated at internet poker.

CentSports

Holy crap. Jarah had a makeover!

Oh, no wait, that's porn star Lucy Lee.
And the picture here is completely meaningless other than the fact that I will beat jokes to death about her in the upcoming months.

not surprisingly, I've managed to convince a lot of my acquaintances that there's just something a little bit strange about the world of internet poker. Pretty easy, because there IS something strange about the world of internet poker.

It aidn't just poker (aidn't is a word.) So when co-worker Stvee ( not his real name to protect the innocent, especially since his real name is Steve) mentioned his involvement wit this site I had to remind Stvee, home court edge is theirs. And home court edge on a Sports site is frigging HUGE.

The premise of CentSports is they give you 10 cents for free. And with the economy in the crapper, this is huge. You make wagers just like on legit sport gambling sites (can I use the word legit there?) and if you are careful, skillful, and have not downloaded pictures of Lucy you might just actually get paid off.

Being a sports guy, Stvee absolutely kicked ass. 10 cent starting point, built the account to over $40. That's when Stvee decided to cash out. And he discovered the other "rules" they don't make it clear about. There's a point system in place that only the top three in a bracket can actually cash in. And magically, the top three make 12 wagers a day and win 10 of them. Fourth place can't cash out.

This nonsense has been going on for more than twenty years of my experiences with internet games. Those that run the site just can't admit that maybe someone is actually better at it than them. So cheat.

Stvee is still playing, but just some mildly screwing around with understanding that it's an idle passion. It could be worse for Stvee. He could have wasted eight years of his life playing internet poker, despite the hot Asian women pictures.

Following the rules

Ok, what's wrong with this picture?

No, idiot, not the Jarah picture. Nothing wrong with that. I'm talking about the poker table.

Naturally, nobody more than myself knows how annoying I can be. The dog is a close second. When I want to just relax and enjoy a muffin and an episode of NCIS I expect to not have a couple of Scientologists knocking on my door trying to recruit me. And when I sit at a poker table on the internet, I expect that maybe once in a hundred games I'll actually be there with real human people. The other 99 games - looking for crap.

I do appreciate the 700k I won on Full Shit Poker yesterday. Even though it didn't have to do so much with poker skill as knowing the system and playing against bad AI. That table was a 100k buy in. But you never know where I'm going to pop up. It might be a meaningless 144 player HORSE tourney on Pokerfrauds.

I used WTWhatever as mybarometer. Registered and didn't play a single hand. Got bounced around on several tables and WTWhatever was there. With so few "people" playing, that's not a surprise. What is a surpise is that my trick of timing out on irrational pre-flop raises has been met by the astoundingly stupid "You're hand is folded" before the time bank. And this has been going on for days now. Not just me, other positions have had their hand folded before the time bank kicked in.

Is there a lunck somewhere someone has to be to? You can't follow the rules and you need to fold quicker? Why are you here in the first place? To make my life miserable?

You betcha.

So when I decided to fold my way into as high a spot as I could I contnued to use WTWhatever as my barometer.

The "tourney" (cough cough) slogged into an obvious fold or play versus a vaccuum typical internet poker shit. So, as I wait until WTWhatever is gone I'm met with this little gem of not playing by the rules.

If ya haven't figured it out yet, and you probblly (it's a word!) haven't because of the Jarah camel toe -

WTWhatever is all in with no cards.

If you're going to cheat me, at least follow the rules.

Real Poker vs. Bingo

The crack committee of Lemoyne University graduates (me and the dog) have just identified something (cough cough)we've noticed over the past eight years. This is big.

Pi has an infinite number of decimal places. Math exists. It wasn't some bullshit theory drummed up by Ron Howard and Tom Hanks so they could sucker millions of people into buying tickets to a movie. There really are conspiracy theories out there. And according to Jarah (god love her muffin baking soul) it looks like internet poker being for real is one of them.

Please explain how I can struggle for almost an hour playing with my A game on a single table sit and go on my beloved 5 draw lowball where I get one pat fullhouse, two pat flushes, two pat straights, and can't catch a card on any decent starter hand. The latest trend is to feed good starter cards and screw you over on the draw. Lost 10k meaningless free money chips on bullshit play.

So, not drunk enough since I haven't passed the malt liquor course, yet - I bounce around some Omaha Hi-Lo no limit tables. And win 50k in one hand.

Got it - idiot play is rewarded - real poker is treated with contempt. Gotta feed that next generation for the raising without thinking. Good move, because you surely have a shot at impressing Jarah.

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Some suggestions for other fun the all-in crowd engages in. Break open a forty, everyone gets a single six sided die. High roll wins. You don't have to think. You just have to be there.

Indian poker with no raising. You don't have to think, you just have to be there.

Draw matchsticks. The smallest wins. You don't have to think, you just have to be there.

Two player game - pick your opponent's hand - red wins, black loses and all matches are atie. You don't have to think about it, you just have to be there.

Do shots on who gets the last head slap on NCIS, probably Tony. But you're poker bet will offset you if wrong.

Flip a coin - first one that doesn't match the others wins.

Call out the letters in the alpabet in order. First wrong answer loses. Last right answer wins. Repeat until the boredom strikes in and someone calls "J" when the right answer was "9".

The Malt liquor grads have a big edge on that one.

And the new episode of Burn Notice is coming up. Gotta go.

Lemoyne College - yeah, I've heard about that. They have a very instructive curriculum. Let's go over some of the courses offered.

Lack of Meaningful Chat 101 - In this course you will learn to combine your disdain for the free money internet poker community with Pre-Flop Raise 101.

Pre-Flop Raise 101 - Nothing, and I mean nothing, shows competence more than a big pre-flop raise. It doesn't matter if you have cards to back it up. It will surely impress everyone with your amazing skill. Lack of Pre-Flop Folding 103 is also a requirement for your degree.

Lack of Pre-Flop Folding 103 - Surely the laws of statistics and probability are a joke. Therefore never admitting that just maybe your hand isn't that good is a crime against nature. Don't fold. Raise.

Chip Trade 103 - After your success using the previous courses, make sure the table becomes a level field. Use your skills from Pre-Flop Raise 101, discard four cards on the draw in a draw game against the short stack, and top it off by calling their bet. When you muck your cards you will have the satisfaction of toying with them for many minutes more. Unless you are enrolled in Sitting Out 201.

Sitting Out 201 -Now we are getting a lot more advanced as we're in the 200 level courses. In Sitting Out 201 you will learn how to show even greater disdain and contempt for your lowly opponents by telling them you have so many chips you can fold your way into first place. Especially effective on tourneys with thousands of players.

Sitting Out 202 - This is where you sit out at the START of a game with thousands of players. They will be so impressed when you finally sit in and start raising on a short stack you will clean their clocks and digital time pieces.

Hot Asian Women 202 - An elective, but useful. This is where you find out it's Jarah that is number one. Jarah is often a guest lecturer, but her lawyers have made a point of stating that she is NOT part of the regular staff. Porn actress Lucy Lee often provides her insights, and is also not part of the staff.

Malt Liquor 203 - You can't remain attentive to the game without getting bored without a Colt 45 sitting next to you. This must be combined with Pretending You Are Human 204.

Pretending You Are Human 204 - Drop in an occassional "nh" or "ty." Those that have not taken these courses will never know that something is wrong and that you have the education to beat them to a bloody pulp. Depending on your grade in Lack of Meaningful Chat 101, this is an effective tool to amassing a huge amount of free money chips.

Baking Muffins 301 - Well, because everbody must have something to do other than raise/go all-in every hand. Stud muffins work okay, but we recommend you invest in Race Table Muffins 302.

Fre Money Satellites 302 - You only have to play two tourneys with thousands of players against real people to actually qualify and win a satellite to win a fantastic prize. We'll show you how to do it. Combine your skills from the 100 leel courses with Auto-Register 303 and you can do it.

Auto-Register 303 - Less educated players have to actually click some buttons to register for a multi-player tourney. You will be automatically entered.

The Dog Hates Me Despite Being Part of my Crack Team 304 - Well, it's just a dog. Throw him a bone or a muffin and move on.

Pee Break 401 - How to deal with Malt Liquor 203.

Asian Hotties 402 - Dealing with their lawyers. Scary,

Ruining Your Sleep Schedule 402 - So you can mess with the mindless underlings that even dared to pretend that they can play with you.

Gaining a Ton of Free Money Chips by Honest Poker Play 403 - Pretty useless, but lots of geologists want to graduate.

Gaining a Ton of Free Money Chips by Playing a Race Table 404 - You've got almost all you need, you just need one last course. There are still some losers out there that haven't been to the college.

Gaining a Ton of Free Chips Money Because You Blew the Admin.

Priceless.

So, what do you with your free time?

Just curious.

Because I love to bake muffins and visit my very functional 102 year old grandmother. (This is true - my grandmother really is alive and other than a walker and taking lots of meds she still functions. L. Ron Hubbard love her soul.) Every once in a bit the dog gets some attention. He really hates how this stupid little box occupies my life, but he sure does love those bonus muffins. (Needless to say these are stud muffins as opposed to five card draw muffins.)

Add a bit of an infatuation with a hot Asian supermodel, having to go to work, cutting the grass, vaccuuming the floor, washing the dishes, servicig the 28 year old Filipino girl next door (OK, made that one up.), brushing my teeth buying a new car and watching my favorite movies I have a tiny block of time where I can relax, forget about life and log into a poker site.

So again, please splain how these race tables continue to exist. Before settling into a one hour sit and go that I did take second on. (Kudos PokerStars, other than some shorty stacked problems I ALMOST believed this was for real) I checked out what was going on in the no-limit Omaha Hi-Lo world.

Still tables full with three "players" that have 3 positions with 5 times the amount of chips I struggled for two other postions with twice my total chips, two with twice my chips and a wait list of 14.

Grandma is pissed. When I splained this to her, the quote was, "No damnded muffins for these idiots!" Or maybe it was, "No fucking muffins for these cocksuckers!" Things are a bit hazy after the walker tipped over. She's fine and resting peaceably. Thanks for your concern.

Now, Jarah and Grandma have been in touch for the past couple years. Apparently Jarah hates how Grandma's potty mouth distracts her. And that's probably the reason I will continue to log into inerent poker free money games with all this all-in nonsense.

Grandma doesn't have a computer, so she has no idea about the bs posted here. Grandma has never said the word "fucking" in her life and never baked muffins for L. Ron Hubbard. Biscuits, yeah, but not muffins.

Three "players" with over a million chips. And a wait list that just is screaming to get at the table. Not only doesn't the math work, the I am a real human being with so much stuff do in my life doesn't work.

Remember, I don't count. Busting on internet poker (and Scientology) is something I do that defines me. So, please exsplain (purposeful misspelling) how in a reasonable wakeful, non-drunkended (purposeful, again) time you can manage to amass more chips than I have ever had at a single sitting? On my best night ever on Absolute I played for 5 hours and won 700k. And that was thrown at me.

I call this the logjam effect. And it's not just the all in raising. In fact, it's the lack of all in raising in this case. 3 "players" with over a million chips. Certainly, not once did they ever go head to head for a serious"I think my hand is better than yours" matchup. All they do is wait for the AI feeders and occasional stupid human to log in to that table, get greater cards than are statiscally for real. raise and look like an expert when they win.

Free money games....blah, blah, blah

No excusity (yes, again) for not playing like you have nothing better to do with your life than go all in on internet poker. For instance, I've had some success with enertainment by looking at lolcat pictures. And finding pictures of the hottest woman on the planet, Jarah. Much more entertaining than going all in.

(Long pause for "relief break")

OK, where was I?

OK, I gotta big bullseye painted on me. I don't buy into the automatic all in shiznot. Absolute paraded out their "FACKINGCHICKEN" and Ultimate has their "The Squirrel" where they whine about you not going all in/raising to the max.

And now on Pokerfrauds - not only do i have to struggle for meaningless free money chips (remember, I don't count) I'm suppossed to give you chips? That's insane. And it was the second time today. You give me chips, and we'll talk about playing some more.

In the meantime - enjoy my logging in to your omaha hi-lo race tables. And Jarah's pretty sleepwear.

Poker/

I don't think so. Poker is a competive game where the cards are random and skill and some luck let you jockey your way to a favorable finish.


It's only free money tables, blah blah, blaahhhhh. Heard it all before dickheads. The fact is, you can't sit at any free money table and expect a realistic game.

In their never ending quest to make you look foolish, poker sites have two main tricks. First the cards are not random. Yeah, you lost blah, blah, blah.... heard it all before. (Have I used the word dickheads yet?)

Trick number two = heavy raising. Raising does not equal competence. Apparently, idiot jackass playis rewarded. No concern for the chips...let's go all in. Just like this bogus table.

So, here are my demands. I want 2 milliom free money chips, a get away car and Jarah's phone number. (you always ask for something ridiculous-----get away car.)

Jarah kicks it up a notch

Now, I cut my teeth on no-limit Omaha Hi-Lo. I've got at least 200k on every site I play on because of it. I know the strat, ad they know I know the strat. I love to mix things up and play on sit and go games. And during the past 6 weeks Pokerfrauds has given every indication that they know this.

Therefore, let me buy in to some sits and pretend I'm interested. After naturally getting cheated by players catching insane cards and playing to make me lose instead of playing to win - time to revisit my Omaha Hi-Lo buddies despite the fact that my chip stack of free Scientology chips is dwindling.

Xenu folds. Xenu folds. Xenu calls on a marginal hand a Xenu folds. Xenu folds. Xenu folds. Xenu gets a decent hand and calls an irrational pre-flop raise. Xenu folds. Xenu watches the game essentially turn into an all-in fest race table. Xenu folds. Xenu is the only one playing real poker instead of bingo. Xenu folds. Xenu folds. Chip leader goes all in 4 hands in a row and loses it all. Xenu folds. Four hands in a row. No wait list on this table, the racers are too busy hitting on Jarah,

Jarah has not called a single hand, because weirdly she's not playing at the table. Prolly (yep, it's a word) because she's too involved with not being involved with internet poker. Despite the piece of silk mentioned earlier.

Then magically after hours of pain and dissapointment Xenu is left with a table of three with two over-aggressive players (needless to say they don't chat or show any other signs of real human life) and Xenu has the most chips he has had in the last 5 weeks.

Now, I don't know what evil you have in store for me - but even when I win I expect some random cards. The two sits before the race table were better than most on this site, but not good enough (especially the "lol" chat on the tie - seen it a million and 457 times.)

And my dog that hates this is now 13 years old. He deserves a young gal like Jarah paying attention to him instead of my "screw off, I'll deal with you tomorrow" attention.

Which is what I'll do soon. Warning internet poker - company vacation day on Friday.

See ya soon.