PokerStars Lowball 7-2 draw tables play out like a bad movie with a horrible script, time and time again. The unimaginative theme is that someone does not have a clue that they are playing lowball and sacrifices themselves within the first few hands to another spot that does have a clue. (Which is never me.) After seeing the same version of this script two nights in a row I activated wheels I set in motion months ago. The proof is in the chat...the dumb ass had the chance to throw away an ace and maybe get the best hand, but nooooo....I'll stand pat and of course lose.
Me and my crack team of espionage experts (me, the dog and a dozen trained bed bugs) infiltrated the PokerStars script writing room and planted three moles. The first mole was a tell tale blemish made by the bugs on each writer. It innocently looks like a mole instead of a bug bite. Not terribly useful for the intelligence operation, but knowing I've drawn blood gives me a warm and cozy sense of satisifaction.
The other moles are more insiduos, and will surely never be traced back to me. After buying Jarah a year long supply of Ben and Jerry's for 2011 (that's why she hasn't done much modeling lately - she's put on a few pounds and doesn't have to worry about that ice cream monkey on her back for a year) she agreed to pose as the office manager. Giving her the alias of Janah Scwharts, an amiable Belgian ex-schoolteacher, she has blended in perfectly and gained there confidence.
Next up is Sora Aoi, the staff "gopher." Giving her the alias Sola Aoi and knowing nobody would ever think a Japanese porn star would interchange an "r" for an "l" she has been able to plant audio and video surveillance devices in the script writer's room during dedivering coffee and doughnuts.
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The video reveals some very telling and damning facts. The script writing team is made up of the grandson of the writer from Plan 9 from Outer Space, the nephew of the writer of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the writers of Battlefield Earth, Congo and Highlander 2, the writers of NBC's amazingly predictable "The Cape" and is rounded out by 5 writers of porno films (that generously call them movies despite the fact that there's only so much you can do with pizza delivery and plumbing problems.)
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The audio feed was inhibited somewhat by the purchase of Radio Shack going out of business sale equipment, but we did pick up enough to confirm what we thought here at The Big Lay Down.
"Allright guys, this Xenu guy has been poking around here being annoyimg. The boss says we need ten new scripts by tomorrow or we're all fired."
"I got one! Let's get James Woods to play a neurotic alpaca farmer who can't stop talking about his bestial affairs!"
"That sucks. I can't remember the last time I saw Woods in a film. I like the alpaca idea, but let's leave the livestock sex out of it and just have him chat constantly about them."
"Good one - and we can use our leverage on Lindsay to play like a train wreck while coked up."
"This is new, fresh and exciting."
"It needs more. Let's throw in a deposed Middle Eastern dictator with threats of violence."
"Oh my God! I am just CREAMING my jeans thinking about how this will come out!!!"
"Aliens! It needs aliens! They're controlling our minds and making us play stupid poker."
"A cameo by James Earl Jones as the moderator requesting English only chat would set the game on fire!
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At this point the foreman of the writers stood up, grabbed a doughnut from Sora and reminded the group they needed multiple scripts. Clearer not wanting to lose their job heads prevailed and the foreman finished the brainstorm with this -
"Fuck it. Let's just have a clueless idiot play stupid to feed someone else, let's have five other spots use lots of time pretending they are thinking and give the human really crappy cards. Repeat this for 9 more games. The poker playing population is clueless. Look at all the movie remakes they've watched in the last 10 years."
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As they broke for lunch I called my team and told them to make haste out of there before they were caught.
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