I Warned You

The mathematically impossible race table of the day is presented here. Since the game is not policed by hot Asian policewoman, but just bad artificial intelligence this nonsense will continue ad infinitum. (For the occasional two year olds that log in and play stupid and don't know what's going on - that means forever.)

In my time here some changes have been made. Since I prefer to play and pray to get some decent cards andf maybe win every once in a century I prefer the sit and go games. But, if I have to I'll watch others play and get the evidence I crave more than the human flesh that is tucked away in my freezer. I know what you're thinking and do not despair. I have fava beans.

Two weeks where I couldn't lose. Two weeks where I can't win. On average this totals out to reasonable. But to be truly reasonable it should be half and half.

Now that this has been bumped I promise I will find the "bigbadbrad" screenshot where he started (supposedly) with 40k and built up to 2 million in one night. Pay attention. The ninjas are watching. And poisoning their darts with blowfish venom. And vaccuuming the living room rug. And taking Scientology rundowns so they can lose weight and be as thin as Kirstie Alley.

Operation Internet Poker Race Table

Last night I gave you a friendly warning. I'm on to you in a BIG way. Cheating me is counterproductive. 10+ years of being cheated makes me get creative in busting on you.

OIPRT (Operation Internet Poker Race Table) coincides with Operation Hand Histories. The hand histories prove that I do not get decent cards. And since I'm hated so much "people" do stupid things to make me lose instead of playing to win and you don't get to see the cheating I have been funneled into watching tables instead of playing.

You made your bed. You sleep in it. The bogus race table of the day will be posted here every night I log in until one of seven conitions are met.

1) Sit and Go games become reasonable and play finally becomes competitive consistently for months. Ain't gonna happen.

2) Race tables disappear since they mathematically can't be for real. Ain't gonna happen. 800k chips on a 40k buyin table with 9 on the waiting list. Yeahm right.

3) Pay off my silence by gifting me real money dollars and making things random and competitive. Ain't gonna happen.

4) Banish me. Could happen. But if it does that will only feed the fire since I've given up on the profanity on massive bad beats. Ergo, ain't gonna happen.

5) A poker pro associated with PokerStars can give a reasonable explanation on the cheating on the free money tables. Ain't gonna happen.

6) Monkey's fly out my butt. Ain't gonna happen.

7) Someone discovers time travel and corrects all the mistakes. Based on the belief that the massive energy this would recquire based on E=mc2 I'll have to say it ain't gonna happen.
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After so many posts my curiousity is focused on #5. Exactly how do you explain the non-random cards?

Ain't gonna happen. Because the average table has positions playing like two year olds regardless of the buy in - even if it's 20-40k.

The Race Table Revisited

This popped into my mind because I played Civilization 2 for an hour and 15 minutes tonight. Civ 2 predates playing internet poker.

Civ 2 has a "cheat mode", the most useful feature being revealing the map and checking out the enemy positions. If you're stupid enough to save the game in cheat mode your score is crippled. The trick is to reveal the mapm reload the game not in cheat mode.

In addition to wanting to teach real humans a lesson by winning at all costs (despite an extreme lack of skill and non-random cards) the admins have created this fun side game called the race table.

After being obviously cheated on my fourth consecutive game I decided to bump this, because I can duplicate this every single night. There are way too many positions here with hundreds of thousand of chips for a 40k max buy in table. This is because the race table has too many unconcerned losers. It's easy to spot. Go to Omaha Hi Lo, look for the biggest waiting lists (the inevitable losers) and watch the bad math unfold.

And it's not just PokerStars. I encountered race tables on Absolute, too.

Now that Operation Hand History proving the non-random cards is in full swing (down to 5k) I might just have to watch some bogus tables instead of playing.

And believe me, I will.

Watching you embarrass yourself with bad math and rule breaks is a helluva lot more than winning the chips.

Hacking, identity theft and internet gamezs

One of the dangers about spending a significant amount of time on internet games is that it would be better spent looking for hot Asian chicks. Now, here I am fresh to Facebook and I'm bombarded with bullshit spam. Time to change the passwords. I really don't want to learn how to lose 7 pounds in 2 hours or watch the funniest video ever which naturally was not the funniest video ever.

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Storytime

Bruce's Paranormal Deathmatch

If I wanted to, and I don't I could rule this game. A two year old could figure out the basic rules. A real brain can get up to the top at the price of a huge time commitment. During one of my pre-knowing what it's all about periods I did waste my life on this. And the admin(s) tipped their hand.

Let's call her Julie, not her real name. Obvious because it's not an Asian name.

Being infatuated with Julie it was natural to create a character name Julie.

The winning formula on BPD was to latch on to two weak opponents ad simply use the back and forward buttons on the browser until they died. An occasional ninja monkey (no, I'm not making that up) and playing vs. a real human being. At the top of the hill looking down on the pointless mass staring at my goditude (real word) I log in to find that someone has created a character "hackerswrapedjulie."

This should be comical for the misspelling of rape, it should be disturbing because of my love for Julie. What it was is an eye opener for the reason the bullshit game exists. Let's keep you online as much as possible, hack and screw with your life.

I switch between two computers. One that I care about and one just for PokerFrauds. The reason for all the bogus timeouts and lack of serious play on PokerFrauds could be mining for info. Good luck. You're not going to get it here.

Complaining

Real life chess - this absorbed my life for years. I acquired an Expert rating, damn near a Master rating. I won a game against an Intertional Master. I know the weird rukes like en passant capture.

And Internet chess is, well, hum...

Bullshit

They cater to a crowd of decent players. Try to rope them in to breaking out the checkbook. And if you have the audacity to stand up for your real human self you are titled an "abuser". It's a wicked cycle. You're an abuser, so you get met with impossible AI. You complain. Damn your talent, thewre's no way you are going to win a real money prize. Real human loses to an alleged 1200 player. Maybe because he's right, let's just ban him.

That's what Internet poker should do. Because deep down it proves I'm right.

Be Consistent - A Warning

Now that Internet poker has all the credibilty of Scientology I offer PokerStars these friendly comments.

There's no avatars remotely approaching that you're a hot Asian chick. You understand my normal sleep schedule. You apparently have one of the stupidest rules in place - English only.

For a site that caters to an international stable of players this seems....weird. And with real humans dropping out of even bothering with the nonsense and the desperate attempts to make it look for real it just becomes counterproductive.

I have no pretty pictures today, but if things keep going as they have been I will.

The admins don't speak English. Don't want to get extradited. When a talented player pops in and they want to use it as a Facebook style message forum it's apparently Portugese. I have a smattering of Spanish from high school. The chat is Pseudo Spanish, ergo my guess it's Portugese. Constant and inane. Playing to make me lose instead of winning. Can't get a decent hand in the first 20.

Just a little bit rigged.

More signs these "people" can be trained

The quote marks are for the obious artificial intelligence.

The rest of that sentence is aimed at the obvious admin rulebreakers who occassionally try, and fail, to make a game look for real. Until late last week I was stuck in a months long phase of not being able to win a hand, much less place in the money. And I had to start over with the minimum 1,000 freebies - again.

By now, PokerStars must know that the cheating is counterproductive as far as I'm concerned. It does not make you look competitive, if that's the reason. It does not want me to take my game to another bogus site. No, this one will do just fine. It does not make me want to commit diabetic suicide on Ben and Jerry's.

I'm now in the mid 30k range after less than a week of play, and I've placed in the money on every single table.

I'm not that good. Nobody is. Especially considering I play at least a dozen tables a week.

During this phase there is still a problem with the program that I have overcome which is why I've been successful. Every single game, regardless of 7 stud, 5 draw high, 5 draw low, Hold'em - they all play out the same.

First three hands - jackass raises big, at least one idiot calls. Multiple AI positions are set to sit out to avoid the temptation to call. Jackass wins and is now the "expert." Jackass raises almost every hand. Eventually one of the non-sitters makes a stand. Jackass loses. We now have what is normally the two money finishers established as these two spots continue to get irrationally great cards.

But there is a big Xenu fly in the ointment. I'm existentially sitting out by folding, but I am paying attention. After 20 hands of nonsense I finally start to get some decent cards. Now that I'm short stacked I have to gauge whether I should try and crawl back in slowly or go crazy on the first decent hand. The first decent hand is universally met with a bad beat. Playing for another hour proves that after twenty hands the cards finally become random. (Somewhat.) One of the top two from the first twenty hands continues to get great cards. Xenu accepts the bottom payoff. And as a gesture of goodwill in case the admin is active disconnects and lets him play with himself.

I hate reporting old news mentioned here before, but I will. For the casual and talented player, bumping into a game that plays out this way is an eyebrow raiser. When it happens 14 out of 15 in a week there's something seriously wrong.

So, I already have enough chips to comfortably log i to a 10k buy in game. Let's switch PokerStars AI to Folgers and see what they do. Betcha the quality of play is no better than the 500k buy-ins I did last week when I had to start at the minimum.

L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise and Internet Poker

By now everyone is surely familiar with the story of how L. Ron Hubbard invented internet poker. The Scientology texts are just full of the stuff. Once you've paid for the basics and you start working up the bridge by eliminating you're brainwashed alien parasites you must pay for some serious auditing to make it past PokerStars.

After I escaped from GoldBase I made a career of stealing cable from my neighbors and selling encyclopedias door to door. Spiritually, this was very unsatisfying. The first magical hand on PokerStars changed my life.

For the past few months, the typical. Hell no - every single free money table - on PokerStars has had at least one and usually two or three jackasses timing out. I call this the "LRH" table, and I'm pretty certain the modus operandi (check - operandi) is to make me so bored I will not screw with them anymore. LRH stands for "Long Ridiculous Halt." And as far as making the table look for real it's about 1 9 millionth as believable as the Xenu story. You see, I have way too much time to kill and I play a lot of tables. If it happens once...meh. If it happens twice...cock an eyebrow. If it happens more than 100 times in months...WTF??? As a tactic to make me bored, this is wasted. I'm conservative to begin with, the TV is on and the dog is curled up next to me getting scratched behind the ears and the belly rubbed.

So tonight was so special because this did not happen. This was a Tom Cruise table. The play was lightning fast. It just cruised along.

However, as usual, there were still some mistakes. RDG tried to school us on how to play slow hands. Don't need any pointers, thank you very much. I learned how to be patient and not do something rash watching Tommy Davis on YouTube.

And then the infuriating Spanish or Portugese chat. Where are the English only admin nazis? Is this to become the single biggest rule break in a post time bank rule break era?

I am long overdue for some solid food other than rice and beans and my implants need to be reset. Me and my Asian entourage are headed to Venus once the weather cools down a bit.

Caring- I love you Brinke

FOOTBALL!!!!! It seems like forever since the new season started.

Take the arthritic dying of cancer dog for one last walk. Check- did that.

Raise a crapload of money for the Leukemia Society. Did that.

Visited my parents. Can't do that, they're dead.

Make friends with a B movie actress. Yeah, did that.

Friend might be a bit strong to describe our relationship, so let's kick it back to aquantince.

Believe it or not there was a time in my life that I doubted my worth as a human being. I got over it. And Brinke was one of the things that kept me going. Smart, funny, sexy and just nice in general. Way too hot for a drunken 25ish year old to even give him the time of day. Ptobably the only thing wrong with her is she's not Asian.

Now for the point about abusing Brinke - caring.

I woke up today and I need to cut the grass. Fuck it. I'm going to raise on internet poker. I need to do laundry. Fuck it. I'm going to raise on internet poker. I'm gonna go to a movie convention. Nah - fuck it, I'm gonna raise on internet poker. New Jason Statham movie - fuck it, must raise on internet poker.

Years ago I remember waking up to a fun and enjoyable (cough cough) 7 card stud game on Pokerfrauds. At this time there was a raise any button. And the "people" took advantage of it. Caring about their chip stack. Surely.

Not.

You can't swing a dead cat in internet poker room without hitting an irrational bet. I have a better chance of scoring with Brinke than I have the chance to sit at a reasonable all human random cards table.

Must admit something

Despite my alleged superhuman powers of observation I have never figured out exactly why some avatars on PokerStars have, well, stars around them. Do you have 5 million free money chips per star? Did you want an avatar of a hot Asian butt and it's pending? Is there cream cheese in your refrigerator?

These are all things me and my crack team of cream cheese lovers don't have.

Or, are you the "police?" Those admins planted at the table to ensure the integrity of the game?

Or a combination of the two? That would make sense. Because my observations have noticed over years and hundreds of thousands of hands that these positions just get way too many great cards. If this is this case, I must again call bullshit on this table.

Eagle went all in third hand, stood pat against someone that drew three and naturally won. Then, Eagle turned into an annoying douche (after I won an all in being desperately short stacked.) Fortified by the best cream cheese snack ever Eagle eventually settles into "make the real human lose" mode.

Wind back the clock to yesterday's game. The single most reasonable table I've played at in weeks. Other than a serious lack of chat and eventually needing to respond to some personal and non AI related issues I settled for 3rd on a two table Hold'em game. When I log in tonight I'm greeted with the ever so friendly "load the upgrade message."

No significant graphics or rules changes. Apparently no significant changes to the known problems with the "interface." Just a pointless waste of time.

Since 1+1 equals 3 on this site there MUST be a reason. My speculation is:

We gave ya a freebie last night. The chow wagon is closed. Enjoy the cream cheese and have a nice day.

Let me tell you a story

Once upon a time, there was a free money poker table. This table had someone who just simply couldn't lose.

Knowing, or sensing that karma was with him that night, this person hopped into a car, went to the local Indian Reservation and came back home with an extra 73,475 dollars. This money was immediately donated to their charity - the Businessmen's Organization Giving Out Subsidies (BOGUS.)

Ok the first sentence is true. The next paragraph was fiction.

The latest trend in internet poker is not simply to have me lose, but to have me lose in the most embarrassing fashion possible. The tried and true bad beat on the all-in, mostly.

Either sensing or knowing that I was at the table and (as usual) folding an incredible number of hands, the vaccuum toke a break for a quick cheese sandwich and a diet coke and watched the newest episode of "1000 Ways To Die." Naturally I start finally winning some hands and the blinds and antes have dwindled this guy into being far below the two chip leaders in third place of the remaining three.

Cheese sandwich consumed we're back at the table in a 5 card draw lowball hand and I have a nine low pat hand killer. He bets, I go all in, he draws one and my what a surprise. I'm beaten.

This is Operation Hand History, so I don't care. Hand histories shouldn't be just about the initial deal, but about if flops match hole cards and draws help hands. And my matches and draws suck big time.

And I shouldn't even be here. I should have moved on to bogus site #14 (seriously) a long time ago, but PokerStars refuses to make things even look a tiny bit reasonable.

Shade

The worst poker movie ever. Let's take back some of our bet. I bet 50k and I will generously pull back 25k.

If I was a hot Asian chick I might get excited about Stallone looking so dreamy. But here I am going to online school

Math sucks. Going all in on 8-3 is something that just must be done. Ntt because I want to win, but I enjoy my mere existence at the table. I've got no point to my life other than logging into abogus poker site and losing. Try working an honest day coming home and watching the newest episode of Dexter, kicking the dog (promise you I didn't and will never have done that) or basically just stop being so obviously rigged AI.

Since PokerFrauds refuses to get the point I offer these tips:

1+1=2
2=3=5
4+2=6
8+3 =11 and I'm going to call the all in bet and be a pot feeding whore.
2+3=5
4+2=6
3+3 = crappy hand that internet poker uses as an excuse to talk abouth thier precious hand histories and how it's not rigged.

A+7 ditto.

K+K - should win, but it won't.

7+8 = 26
4+6=545

Oh God. Zoning out. Must play internet poker instead of taking care of my cat.

Enjoy the Madness While it Lasts

Training? The play money tables are populated by people training before playing for real money? And you're going to chat about this when the foremost critic on the planet is at the table? And there's no such thing as a modest "I think I have the best hand" let's try to rope in the chump. It's all in.

As an allegedly competitve site, PokerStars fails on every level. Lately the cards have been more random, but matching hole cards with a flop is bogusifical. (Real word)

So, here I am. So bored and willing to play at the most fraulent table and the registartion screen has "people" popping in and out far faster than a real human could.

Note to self - write a bogus computer program that relates to people's addictions. Make money. Retire at 35.

Or create your own religion. My Sea Monkeys aren't just brine shrimp. They're gods in training. And when I blow the to hell in volcanoes they will stilol have had abetter life than al the AI on PokerFrauds.

(No brine shrimp were harned in filming this episode. They are cavorting in the kiddie pool, blissfully unaware of the lack of random cards that will present them when they become glorious seahorses. With horns.

Seahorse with horns. A sea Unicorse. That's about as believable as internet poker or Scientology.

Where the fuck is my e-meter?

Operation Bathtub

Now I tell ya' what I've really been up to. The Scientology related operations were for comedy. What's for real is Operation Bathtub. As usual, OB requires the patience to fold a billion hands and kick back until the malt liquor kicks in and you know you're just about ready to give the crack team four star general (the dog) one last cookie before calling it a night on Bogker. (Sickipedia entry - Bogus Poker.)

I did not fall for the bait on directly posting a reply to the obvious Admin chat about the site sucking. Who are you kidding? I know it. You know it. And you bet with gusto, you extreme vaccuum, and ended up placing in the money. If this table was on the up and up, you, well, actually...if you were so convinced that online poker was rigged we never would have butted heads since you would be playing WoW. Or peeing in the neighbors pool or whatever two year old admins do for fun in their offtime from rigging Internet poker.

Several months ago I challenged PokerStars on the validity of the hands and I got an obvious form letter style email reply. The claim has been made and the gauntlet has been thrown down. Our hand histories prove it's legit.

Operation Bathtub is now a go. Buying Another Tourney History To Use Busting. Now every single table I play at has a history that proves that the cards are completely not the random one's you suggest. I invite all poker pros to view my histories and observe all the tables I sit at and see the bullshit unfold.

And it's play chips! Other than me being such a persistent pissant and wanting to make me leave, exactly what do you gain?

Here's a suggestion to counter Operation Bathtub -
Random cards - well that's not going to happen.
No bots - well that's not going to happen. The number of players would drop from 200k to 47.
Free cheese - in this down economy you could win some fans.
Figure out the time bank rules and apply it consistently. It's way all over the place. This remains the single most laughably stupid feature on PokerStars.

*************** Special Bonus Alert****************

If you can't handle a joke about busting on Internet poker, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!

I used to tell myself that I would never play Internet poker on a site that was based in the Gulf of Mexico. Now I have to reconsider. Latelty, they have been getting a lot less rigged.