Ninja Poker

Now, that's two words that don;t belong together. Just like 'tasty broccoli', 'sane Scientologist' and 'realistic internet poker.' (I know that's three, so shut up.)

I think, after a couple of years on my triumphant return to PokerStars they have finally figured out one of my simpe tricks. Or maybe not since in recent history I finished third in a 27 player 3 table sitter.

The essence of Ninja Poker is trying to sneak in a game under the radar. Never, ever, ever be the first or second player to register for a sitter. Wait until the table(s) are almost full. Otherwise, it just gives them way too much time to prepare. No need to give them a free Nestle Crunch losing with a great hand to an awesome hand after a five minute break. My crack team of linguists (me and the dog) have come to an agreement that this should be called a Sushi Crunch.

Ninjas are a helluva lot cooler than internet poker. When they break open the top of the dome, drop down on the ropes and help James Bond beat the bad guy they have a sense of dignity. When they invade my house and wave the katana, they realize I've got crap and not even my obsolete XBox is worth stealing. I made it up to them by making grilled ham and cheese sandwiches washed down with 40s of malt liquor. We then partyed into the night, looked at pictures of Jarah on the internet, I woke up with my eyebrows shaved off....but that's another story.

Every single phase of what's wrong with internet poker is in full swing at PokerStars. The cards aren't random. Trying to find someone to make a simple "hello" post in the chat is not happenin' and my precious ninja trick appears to be thwarted.

Understanding that internet poker isn't real and my dog is not real I have something to try this weekend. Friday night - 5pm to 3am - watch as many ninja movies as possible. Admittedly it won't help with the poker, but it will be a lot more entertaining than getting cheated.