Since at times real poker gets so mind numbingly boring Internet Poker has developed a couple of tricks to keep the three year olds interested. Eight years ago you couldn't swing a dead Asian hottie without hitting a table were some buttmunch was raising - and winning - way too many hands. From my viewpopint, since then they have only had one major advance. And it's probably got a lot to do with me, he said arrogantly.
The total loser. Whether it's calling a killer with obvious crap, or playing bad and betting all in when extremely short stacked there's a chance the real human might call the short stack all in. Ratchet it up a notch - my all time favorite is the "I have to go now" scenario, which fortunately they've realized is pretty damn lame. I have to go - I raise. And then linger around the table for a dozen more hands, naturally winning the hand that they first stated they had to leave. If you're serious about leaving, sit the fuck out.
The sitting out phenomena on PokerStars continues to explode by leaps and bounds. There's no rational human explanation for it. Other than maybe being an annoying douchebag is more important than playing a hand. For so many months now, one of my first greetings is an explanation about sitting out, how it's a detriment and yaddi yaddi blah blah blah.
If PokerStars was serious about cleaning up the free money play, which will never happen since it's infested with their own artificial intelligence, they could institute some "professionalism" rules.
You time out on the first hand, including the inconsistent time bank rules - you're eliminated.
You type in all CAPS LOCK - you're elimanted.
If the only meaningful chat you can generate is "nh", "ty" and "zzzzzzz" and you do so for two consecutive hands, you are elimnated.
If you acknowledge another position by name with a friendly greeting and it doesn't respond, that other position is eliminated.
Chicks talking about loser boyfriends in chat. Elimanted. Go to Facebook.
Waking up from sitting out on a partially full table and winning four hands in a row - eliminated.
Resurrecting an alien vampire in your back yard then pretending there are no world altering consequences - big time fucking eliminated.
Changing the flux of the time continuum and getting ninjas, even in a misbegotten attempt ot battle space vampires - elimanted.
Taunting someone for folding an excessive number of (rigged) hands (me) - eliminated.
Logging in to a massive multi-player freeroll - eliminated.
Logging in to the daily 500 buy in 5 card draw game - eliminated.
Contemplation on the purchase of a flamethrower to battle space aliens. You've got two more hands to not break the rules before you're eliminated.
My flamethrower is red. It's shiny. Streamers on the handlebars. Baseball card in the trigger notch. Rose McGowan picture taped to it. Oh yeah, it's tricked out.
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