With Apologies to Weird Al and Lady Gaga

http://www.zimbio.com/Weird+Al+Yankovic/articles/z4Id9QUdD-Q/Weird+Al+Perform+Way+Lyrics+Video

My programer said when I was made
Win some money for me
Login into eight tables at one time
And you will go on a spree

My presence is hard to miss
My chip stack is really big
I bet nobody expected this
Sit back watch while I rig

I'm sure my critics will say that it's not fair play
They can bite me baby I was programmed this way
I'm not gonna say you'll lose your chips today
It doesn't mean I'm bogus I'm programmed this way

I'll play some stud
I'll play Hi-Lo
I'll play in every sit and go
You're crappy cards
Are not bizarre
Check out my awesome avatar
I'll take your chips every day
Because baby I'm programmed this way-hey

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Any objections and this post will be deleted.
(By Al or Gaga, not internet poker.)

The Media Ignores the Real Problem with Internet Poker

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/apr/20/opinion/la-ed-poker-20110420

This isn't unexpected as other than this blog and tiny little spots of complaints if one Googles something like "Internet Poker is Rigged" or "I got cheated at Internet poker" before the US Justice Department shut down the search almost unanimously returned results calling the allegations ludicrous and the poster an idiot. I've posted one of my favorite links here. Amusing because their picture isn't even for PokerStars, Full Tilt or Absolute. It's Paradise Poker. Which my experience has shown to be just as bad as the rest of them. Another favorite is the news source that made a claim something like this -

"Let me clarify this. These sites aren't illegal. Other countries than the US let you play for real money."

Well, let me clarify it. It's illegal because a law was passed in 2006 making it so. If your journalistic integrity, or lack thereof, can't recognize the association between the words "law" and "legal" then you pretty much don't have a case for support of your article. Needless to say the comments were aall anti-US Government for meddling in our affairs to do what we please, ignoring the fact that it's in one's best interst to not lose money on Internet Poker and instead get malware loaded on your machine by searching out Asian hotties on the Net.

The real problem with Internet Poker is the continued abuse of it not being a level playing field, which is even portrayed abundantantly on the free money games. PokerStars still hasn't figured out its own Time Bank rules. And over -aggressive players continue to get a pair of Aces twice within a span of five hands. And if PokerStars werer independently audited and controlled by a reputable source they would know I'm not making this up.

But this continues to be an Area 51 conspiracy theory and that won't happen it's just my word against theirs. And I trust my screenshots are a little more convincing then them saying, "Take my word for it because I told you so."

You gotta admire the naming of yourself

I know what I'm supposed to think. Someone is ticked off that their real money is locked up and they still need their poker fix so bad that they created a new account named "Full BS Tilt" and played with gusto. Still, I strangely feel that as a not paranoid person that...

What was that noise? Is that the cops at my door. How could they possibly know of my involvement in the bakery store robbery?

...it's just another fake position. Mayhaps. No wait. That won't happen for another couple of days. Aprilhaps it's Full Tilt knowing my normal schedule. But since I'm not paranoid I won't dwell upon it too...

Is that a mouse? Why is my computer reading files half an hour after logging in. Why is the dog looking at me like I'm food? Was there really another shooter for the Kennedy assasination?

Find something else to do with your life Full BS Tilt. It will be a lot less stressful.

Full Tilt's Reaction to the Scandal

Is to just keep chugging along like nobody notices.

As a talented player and struggling hard to improve my stack to sit at higher and higher tables I've been constantly met by players that prove me wrong - you can't play with the big dogs. Get out of here. It's usually lots of heavy raising. I'm going to throw a number out there, and it's not completely stolen from my butt- in over 400,000 hands I estimate 60% had a pre-flop raise. Because smart and slow not all in poker is punished. Idiot play is rewarded. So when you switch to the real money tables you get punished by doing something stupid.

One of my first games on UltimateBet was a meaningless Razz tournament where some jackass popped in with a million chips and asked, "How do you play this game?" The answer is fold because there's obviously some rigging going on.

Offering a table with a million chip buy in that three players have registered for is stupid and an insult to anyone that has a grasp of simple math. You're going to register for a game and wait 2 days for it to fill? No need for a pee break after all the Mountain Dew you've been slamming to remain conscious? No need to kiss the wife? Tend the garden? Clean the fishtank? Watch a movie?

No, I live and breathe Internet poker.

PokerStars Reaction to the Scandal

I'm not a funny disposition right now. So forget about my jokes and dog and Jarah refernces. It's not going to happen today.

It's no big secret that the top three sites which account for 70% of the US poker action have been busted big time. It's a start, but a far cry from my dream of having this bogus crap shut down making billions (literally) a year with what is obviously copiuos amounts of artificial intellegence screwing up real humans lives. The indictment doesn't talk about the cheating. It only directs attention to the money laundering without regard to the fact that admins can break the rules and pus the magic button like Johnny Hooker getting screwed in The Sting.

But, it is a start.

Now, let's examine PokerStars spin on what's going on. Cool - you're going to comply and allow players to withdraw money.

What the fuck?

You are going to expidite the cashing out by shutting down cashing out.

I'm not big fan of "lol" since people normally use it as a meaningless chat interlude. But when I read this I started giggling like a 13 year old schoolgirl.

We're going to expedite you cashing out by locking down cashing out.

And monkeys fly out my ass.

Let's Talk about Rules and Reality Breaks again on Internet Poker

The screen shotses(real word) are here. Undoctored by Photoshop. These bogus tables where the math doesn't support the chip leaders position unless there is an infinite amount of players willing to lose. As has been often stated I can search these out every day.

And PokerStars time bank rules...don't even get me started. Let's try to manufacture a lame excuse to have the AI go all in while we can protect it. And it's comrade in farms.

I don't know why I feel the need to give a warning to Full Shit Poker, but since my dog who by all rights should be dead I do.

After a week of PC problems the only poker I've played online is Full Tilit matrix games. Same players on four different tables. And they had a position timeout on one table by disconnection. Without disconnecting on the other tables.

Either I've taught them how to cheat better or there are some real pretty screen shots coming up.

United States Gets Aggressive on Internet Poker

Sorry for my unplanned vacation, fans. This interests me as much as it does you. Not because of the actions of the US Government, but because of the lame response by Internet Poker. I'm assuming you know what's going on, if you don't then Google something like "Internet Poker Lawsuit." I'm not going to post a link here because trust me, no Hot Asian chicks are to be found.

You've been feeding on poker addicts for years. Almost thirteen years by my count. And this blog has been more active than a mongoose in a trouser snake factory. Why am I not surprised that my three favorite targets are the defendants? Why am I not surprised that since the time this blog has started I've only been attacked 3 times in almost four years? (Note to self....time to change the tagline.) Because of something that was invented about 2000 BC according to my Sid Meier Civilization games which all the poker playing two year olds call nap time. Or math. Or both.

Three attacks, first is a profanity laced tirade calling me all mkinds of potty mouthed names. Second is, "What's your point? It's just free money." Third is some bogus probably controlled by one of these big three sites that reviews blogs like this and calls me delusional.

The common theme is that they ignore the math.

Let's step back and look at the lawsuit again. The main defense -

IT'S NOT GAMBLING SINCE THERE IS SKILL INVOLVED.

So, you've decided that because there is some degree of skill involved the cards don't need to be random, the players have discovered that the way to success is to bull rush the opposition into folding by constant raising. Millions of you. Maybe even billions if my Actuator 350D Calculation Machine (Handheld Merlin game device - Google it) is correct.

I get to cheat you because it's a game of skill. I get to present this database as real human people, make billions of dollars and get away with it because it's a game of skill.

Jarah and I finished a game of backgammon an hour ago. I lost. Badly. I did not pony up my wager of a 3 month supply of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's illegal. Backammon is a game of skill. Not allowed to gamble on it.

Full Tilt #Not Intended to be a factual statement

The best country on the planet is now safe from this shitfest.

#Not Intended to be a factual statement

Poker Software Upgrades

I'm not making this up. Since I play almost everyday and I target the site that is cheating the most my focus has been on PokerStars. Three consecutive days with an "upgrade" I must install to continue. And Full Tilt is on two days straight with an "upgrade."

Day 1 on PokerStars...sit and go games are locked with hundreds of thousands of players in limbo. Day 2...some normal looking action. Day 3 more of the day 1 stuff where all the popular tables have been burned off and are running and a bunch of registered positions waiting on unpopular games waiting to fill them.

Hmmmm...183k players registered on real money tables and waiting for free money games. Seems about as credible as Senator Kyl's claim that Planned Parenthood has more than 90% of what they do beibg abortions. Which is (let me get my calculator)...Coulombs law...Pythagorean Theorem....drunk hooker adjustment....

Well somewhere about zero.

If your IT staff casn't get it right in three days after so many days you should fire them, issue a public apology, shut down the tables until you correct the problems and settle for making a bogus 1 million a night instead of 3 million.

#These comments were not to be meant as facts. It only seems like they do.

Colbert rules

Why am I not Surprised? Because Internet Poker is a Joke

In the never ending quest to be sure I don't win Poker has decided to continue with the tried and true vacuum with great cards cheat. And I really did get a chuckle out of this joke. The winner of this hand was bold enough to call a pair of kings all in on 9-3 offsuit. Embravened(real word) by his huge chip stack. Or is it simply knowing the outcome of the hand was never in doubt. Naturally there are two other positions that called the all in on what I personally would consider to be less than optimal hands. I don't care that your 5-2 is suited. It's shit. Fold it dumb ass.

This sitter was so bad the final table of a two table game was set before the blinds had even changed from 10-20. Anyone getting cheated like this other than me probably would not be as amused, so I offer up what I hope is a funnier poker joke.

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An Amish fisherman, a maid that specializes in laundry and a cell phone use addict walk into a poker room and sit at the same table. Before the game starts they chat about their jobs. (Since it's not Internet Poker where chat has virtually disappeared because AI doesn't chat, they do chat.)

The Amish fisherman says, "I raise roofs." The maid says, "I fold laundry." The cell phone addict says, "I call my family and friends constantly."

The first hand is dealt The Amish man is up first. "I raise."
The cell phone addict is next. "I call."
The maid - "I fold."

The flop is next and the Amish man says "I raise."
The cellphone addict calls his all in.
And the Amish fisherman catches on the river with his 72 offsuit and wins.

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. Try the veal.

Gianna Jun vs. Internet Poker Demons

There are certain things that define myself as an individual. My hatred of leukemia, my beloved dog who is dying of cancer but is still hanging in there. The fact that I was able to memorize Pi to 115 decimal places. (Which comes in awfully useful when calculating the amount of sales tax at the register....sarcasm - I'm a math geek.)

Long time readers... Who am I kidding. First time viewers can tell it's obvious I have a thing for hot Asian women.

I also obviously like poker

Having played hundreds of thousands of hands over more than a decade I've seen it all. The bad beats. The mathematical inconsistencies. The outright rule breaks. The mentality of my opponents playing to make me lose instead of playing to win.

As a fiercely competitve individual with "prove me wrong" attitude I had been butting heads with PokerStars for the past several months. I'm ashamed to admit that they got under my skin with some obvious cheating. I purposefully avoided PokerStars and switched to Full Tilt Matrix. And the losing streak continued. Now I have another major site trying to convince me that I'm not worthy of playing at their tables.

But I am reborn. And I owe a lot of it to Blood: The Last Vampire starring the ultra hot Gianna. She's no Jarah Mariano, but she's got the cutest tiny mole just off center of her nose.

Instead of playing poker yesterday I had to drive to a social event (hockey game) and pretend to be interested in it. Actually it was OK, even though the home team lost. Naturally after having been home alone for so long the dog was interested in some affection. I settled into my third viewing of Blood, and as a math geek tried to count the dead bodies. (I used to review movies for Joe Bob Briggs.) It's hard because there are several scenes with dozens of opponents getting sliced and diced. My count was 124.

But the point is I had my best night's sleep in months, even if it was only six hours, got up and dial switched for two minutes, fed the dog and decided to play poker.

The matrix table was chosen simply becuase it was the largest number of players joined. And it was a 2k buy in. My dwindling chip stack didn't want to play against anything bigger. The game was surprisingly realistic. And after finishing first I have exorcised my "stink of failure" demons. I do know how to play poker.

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Reflecting on the nature of Internet Poker I have come to the conclusion that Full Tilt matrix games are actually pretty much bullshit. The point system encourages knocking out another player. Which means going all in on the stupidest shit and hoping you get lucky. This is not serious math realted poker. It's Full Tilt's equivalent of a race table.

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Watch Gianna in Blood: The Last Vampire and the amazingly funny My Sassy Girl. A couple of years ago a hot Asian chick loaned it to me, an although it wasn't what I typically would watch I was blown away.

Hobo with an Internet Poker Shotgun

Call it fate. Or Karma. Or boredom.

But I just watched the most magical movie this past weekend. You see, there's this girl with really long hair, her name is Rapunzel and there's a prince and it is solid family entertainment without the hint of hot Asian girls.

What the hell am I doing?

The movie is the amazing Rutger Hauer in "Hobo with a Shotgun." It's a beautiful love story about two teenage girls coming of age and....damn dog. Stop messing with the DVD player.

Blue Lagoon? DOG!!!

After being sprayed in the face with formic acid and watching "Them" and "Phantom of the Opera" I think I have some time to type.

Hobo is an over the top revenge flick that substitutes visceral low budget splatter effects for any serious cinematic content. Which makes it my kind of movie and when I latched on to it my eyeballs were wider than Malcolm McDowell in "Clockwork Orange."

By now i trust you notice a ton of film references. And there is a vague reference to Internet Poker buried here. I have a life beyond Internet Poker. By all accounts I should have over a million chips on at least three different sites except for the constant cheating. And I really don't care. Because I'm a hobo with a shotgun. And my shotgun is not loaded with worthless bird shor or buck shot. My shotgun is loaded with screenshot.

PokerStars has not allowed me to win a single hand in the last two nights. I don't really care. Because once again you've embarrassed yourself by lack of consistency on your beloved time bank rules. Look at the chat on the screenshot. One player gets the 14 second warning, doesn't act and his hand is timed out and folded. Same hand, different douchebag, time bank and the inevitable ZZZZZZZ response, which was pretty much the only chat during the whole let us cheat Xenu game.

To quote from "Hobo" -

"You can't solve all the problems of the world with a shotgun."

"It's all I know."

Which other than the comment about having a real life beyond poker is something I will live by. Keep cheating me. Keep giving me the screenshot. We'll call it at best a draw for you, more likely a win for me.

Time for a Math (and Reality )Break

Like it or not, math is our friend. Usually it's just counting out how much to tip the non hot Asian waitress, but dammit she did fill the coffe mug 3 times.

So being a real human filled to the brim with caffeine I decide to log in to Internet poker. Since I'm sd juiced I play for 56 hours before needing some sleep, and I acquire 100k. Time for a nap. Two hours of sleep, service the girlfriend, cut the grass, change some light bulbs, back to poker.

Slam a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew. Puke. Raise like an idiot on poker. Never have any serious competition to challenge your mastery and get to a million chips.

Service the girlfriend, more Mountain Dew and....

I don't want to play against the other pro that has a milliojn chips. Or it's the same bogus "player" that is just waiting for someone to get a million chips.

Britney Spears Wants a Piece of My Action

Oops I did it again. I folded my cards. Including four pairs of aces.

Don't offer a game that can't be populated by real people.

Folding every hand with positive (non real) cash flow is

Bullshit

Tables Offered Part Duh

That should be Part Deux, but Charlie Sheen and his hot shoits already took it.

I was bemused by the story in the Wall Steet Journal about entrepenaurs trying to hook up with poker sites to overturn the legislation that keeps them away from it. There's a big reason it's illegal. Despite over aggressivce military action it's kinda cheaty in a Nigerian Prince email way.

Now let's do some math. I know you hate it, nut it sure make's my calculation of mthe hot Asian waitresses tip a lot easier.

Let's assume I'm obsessed with poker. Which I am for all the wrong reasons. And like the gamer addict in the newest episdode of CSI nothin g more than anything else is important than playing poker on legitimate sites. I've thrown my life away, moved in with my parents and ther IV injection of gravy is all I care about.
Now after three years of slogitude (real word) I get the chance to meet my main certainly not AI and certainly not admin protagonists.

God Mother Fucking Dammit. I have to sit here sucking down Mountain Dew, telling the bitch wife to stop texting and wait for the next issue of Gallery?

Offering a 1 million buy in game that can't possibly be populated in a reasonable amount of time is like......

rigged.