While reflecting on how every single game on PokerStars plays out the same way, like a bad movie me and my crack team of movie archivists (me and the dog) took a break from poker after this sitter. Made the final table without winning a single hand on an 18 player game. Made it into the top three while only winning two hands.
I know you are just screaming to tell me that I'm just that good and my superhuman powers of patience allowed me to hang in there. I admit to three seconds of warm, fuzzy not wanting to club a baby seal feelings as I took second, broke my massive losing streak while my groupies (the dog and several Korean models) cheered me on. (although I am disturbed a bit by the Korean word for GOOOOAAALLLL!!!! sounding abit to much like a practice that will get you thrown in jail for.)
But as we reflect on minor success I can count my blessings and thank the powers that be that I'm not artificial intelligence pretending to be a real human. Apparently I'm a real human pretending to be artificial intelligence.
Because this is the only approach that has a chance on these free money tables. Ride out the bogus storm for an hour and maybe, just maybe you might finally start to get some decent cards.
If I played two tables a week I'd never notice. Playing a buttload more than that a week I must say that it's really fucking weird that I'm the only person who folds a bazillion times on crap and the rest of the table is apparently getting cards at least good enough to call on. If these are real people, why do I never meet another massive folder like myself? Especially from the myriad of Filipino opponents I've butted up against? Is it because it would make you Manila Folders?
The archivists have poked me to get off the poker and get silly. I have a surprise for them.
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The Big Lay Down's first Worst Movies of all Time Topless review.
Too cold. The sweatshirt is back on, but I trust the mental image is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
20. Disaster Movie - the only thing that saved this is hottie Asian Vanessa Minnilo.
19. The Fifth Element - Love it as a cult classic or hate it because it just plain sucks.
18. Shade - So many poker inaccuracies this must have been written, directed and produced by AI.
17. Laser Mission - A Brandon Lee movie capitilizing on some success before his untimely death. Little to do with a laser. Nothing to do with a mission.
16. Anything with Jim Carrey. Monumentally not funny. Exactly who decided this guy was a star?
15. Future Hunters - Although the laughter induced by the B-movieish quality keeps Ed Woods off this list, the opening titles production values launc it into the megaverse of bad. The font looks like silhouttes spray painted onto cardboard and the bright contrast makes those credits unreadable.
14. Godzilla vs. Tyson - filmed with TWO endings. One where Godzilla rises from the water for the Japanese hottie fans delight and one where Tyson KO's Godzilla with a huge uppercut and is carried off the ring by Stallone and Mr. T.
13. Ron Jeremy, an Adventure in not having to Masturbate Even Though I'm a Butt Ugly Troll.
12. Saving Private Ryan - Because my refrigerator died when I first rented it. Thanks for making me spend $500 Spielberg. How the hell do you live with yourself>
11. Little Kimmie Johnson - She did that? With her MOTHER? Google it - this one really exists.
10. Internet poker beginner tables. Major bad movie, because the opponents go all in on the stupidest crap.
9. Internet poker ring games. Because the players go all in on the stupidest crap.
8 Internet poker sit and go games, because the players go all in on the stupidest crap.
7. Internet poker tourneys because the players go all in on the stupidest crap.
6. Every piece of shit on YouTube that has gone viral when it's not even remotely watch-worthy.
5. Internet poker help messages.
4. Internet poker.
3. Internet poker
2. Internet poker race tables.
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1. Battlefield Earth - a major movie star begs the studio to cast him in a movie based on a novel by his psycho cult leader and draws in millions of bucks over his career. John. you're money would have been spent a lot better by donating it to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society or losing it on Internet poker than helping to destroy thousands of lives.
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