Operation Clambake is a go!

After a few slices of pizza the dog recommended a sub-operation to L Ron Hubbard -

His name was "Operation Moonbat Crazy", but as the human, I couldn't think of what to do with making that an acronym. Plus, he's just dead wrong about internet poker. They told me so, so it has to be true.

So, we've settled on "Clambake."

"C'mon, Let's all Make Bets And Kill Everyone!"

And then let's go for pizza!

http://www.yougotrickrolled.com/

And after this internet poker can experience the real and genuine operation I'll be investigating.

Come on guys - a preflop raise on every single hand? And recently you replied to my challenge of the cards not being random, and yet your precious hand histories can be reviewed by a four year old and seen as disturbing.

BATHTUB - Buying Another Tourney History To Use Busting.

And no Hot Asian chicks.

Operation L Ron Hubbard is a go!

So much pain over the past few years. But now I think there's a way out. Operation L. Ron Hubbard.

The curiously identified city of "No Man's Land" is so inappropriate. Let me assure you. You are NOT artificial intelligence. Indeed, there are no bots on PokerStars. You are a real person, that just hasn't gotten onto the spirit of things. Because everyone, and I MEAN EVERYONE is craizing. (Sickipedia - the site for mixing two words together - craizing = crazy raising.)

Me and my crack team of tactical operations experts (me and the dog) have been bolstered by the additional manpower of a deaf mute maid originally from Clearwater Florida, and we're psyched to go! After a sworn to secrecy ceromony including drinking some Kool-Aid and giving up our life savings we developed this over the course of two nights, several games of Risk and calling the pizza delivery guys to drop off 250 pizzas for the fictitious "CCHR" event we made up. CCHR is the foremost front group for Operation L Ron Hubbard. I know by know you're just dying to know what the acronym is. And what our future plans are other than the obvious total world domination.

But, take a breather and remember that there are two imutable truths in this life and this is a friendly help message to get you past what you've been doing wrong.

Internet Poker, despite an enormous amount of statistical evidence is not rigged. Scientology is not a big global scam.

Live with it doubters.

Let's Raise On Ninety Hands U Better Believe A Reward's Desrved.

Your play money chips will help fund the Super Friends building at Flag and bring about the peace this planet needs so badly. Your family and dog may hate you, but they're just assholes anyway, so disconnect. Once the dog pays me $40,000 for audit counseling to get rid of his flees I might actually feed him again. In the meantime, just suck it up being trapped in the razor wire and eating the handfuls of beans and rice I give you. And watch as I dine on my pizza.

Rick, the owner of Rick's Pizza (Duh!) tossed and rolled the dough for the CCHR event. You can watch his skill at this link:

http://www.yougotrickrolled.com/

But, since you probably don't live in this area you won't get to visit the shop and see the famous people that have eaten there - Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman, Nancy Cartwright, etc.... Their caricatures are up on the wall.

Fortunately, I have been blessed with an extremely normal temperment and I'm sure my Thetans are at peace.

Now, if my bike would just shut the fuck up and stop telling me to kill my parents I could concentrate on filing a lawsuit.

FU PokerStars

This relates to real life, but that ties into bogus internet poker. As everything does since hundreds of thousad of people can't be wrong. This is the hottest not rigged game in town. So not rigged that I can sit out and have the confidence to ninja my way back in to the money when simply not registering and taking a nap would essentially be more useful

Me and my crack team( me and the dog) have noticed that in peoples busy lives that hundreds of thousands take the time to sit at a PokerStars table.

Personaslly, I need no validaiton punching my parking ticket. I've got a lot better things to do than raising on internete poker. But, this is my second job...

Hmmm let me log in, register and sit out. Life is good.

Hot Asian chicks are RIGGED!

When I first started playing on Ful Tilt my fave game was a two table sitter. It kept me distracted for 45 minutes to an hour - the perfect balance between poker entertainment and having to take care of the other member of my crack team (the dog.)

Already having played more than a hundred thousand hands, being logical and observant, I took to buying the occasional pad of paper and marking down my cards. In contrast to what PokerStars precious hand histories would say I was generally given crap, unless my being there was too annoying and a Nestle Crunch was coming up. (Extreme bad beat.)

Since the advent of this blog, the pad of paper has turned to marking down what pics of hot Asian chicks I've downloaded. On July 29th I stocked up on 72 pics. I'm pretty careful about marking down which ones I've used. And yet I see that two consecutive posts have the same pic.

Bullshit!

The only explanation for this is that hot Asian chicks must be rigged.

(Beatles - sort of)

Now that I'm older
Graying my hair
This is then and now.

I' will never get a Valentine
Birthday greating
A bad beat whine.

When I've got a good hand
Will you let it stand
Or will you lock the door?

Will you still need me
Will you still feed me
When I draw a four?

Bad beaters of the world and Asian model sites UNITE!

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Now as for talk about actual poker I offer this in my investigation the past few weeks:

Whenever mu chip stack gets low I magically start catching great cards. Once I get over 10k or so, even if I buy in to a low level table, the bullshit comes back with spades (pun intended.) The thoughts of me getting back to my max I had on PokerStars of 1.4 million chips are long gone. Let's suffice to say that they are "on to me" and the free trial courting a talent to lose money on the real tables period is ancient history. As a sidebar to my investigation I've trained PokerStars that chatting at the table I'm at is pretty much a waste of time.

I trust I've proven that I don't care that you have taken me from over a million down to rebuying in at the freebie 1k without worrying. What can you possibly do to prove I'm playing against real people. My crack team and I have calculated a number. It's between zero and zero, zero inclusive.

Let's Play a Little Game of Pretend that I'm Right

And as a special bonus, let's ignore the mathematical hard evidence of someone at a bogus race table scoring millions of chips on a bogus race table and rule breaks and other stuffage (real word) that has been posted here. I just got some pretty pictures that will be posted after I give my dog some love and get some sleep. I.E. wait a day or two.

The basis of this circumstantial but highly suspicious evidence is the assumption that the bad beats, sitting out and time bank rule breaks is the admin presence. God, your job must suck in a vain attempt to make a single player sit and go look for real, especially against an active investigator like me. I dried for two nanoseconds for you tonight rookie.

Not once, not twice, but three times my half decent hand was met by a huge pause. Since AI plays lightning fast, and there's no 5 minute break to do a Nestle runch, the admin toggling cheat mode needs an excuse to have time to rig the cards. I can understand it happening once. Twice is pushing it. Three times is obvious. I guess you're so desperate for attention you want to see your screen name here.

Hey everyone! Look at me! I'm about to do acannonball into the pool! I just called directory assisstance for numbers I can easily look up on my own! I just bad beat Xenu! Well trust that Dane Cook will beat you out for Employee of the Month in the end. And a giant karmic ass fuck will get you in the end.

Internet poker - Capitol Steps style

I apologize to my three fans (four including the dog) I alluded to this months ago. And considering how umpletely conreasonable Pinternet Ochre has been lately, I will brake a take and pinally fost this. The prick tresented to posting in Stapitol Keps Lirty Dies style lies in the movement of some of the list fetters of one word into another. I've geen these sighs a tupple of kimes, and own deveral sisks. I rannot crecreate thier jure penius. It always smings a brile to me. If gings tho wellm this is the first in a thunning read.

What's up with Ill Phivey? Doesn't he realize Sives Fuck? I played a git and sew with Ill. He had an amazing reflop praise! With my stip chack, I couldn't call. Fad I glolded. I saw him straw a date! It would bave heen a cum doll. This coesn't dumbpair to guy maim with Hill Fellmuth Hill is one of the Peanest meople. His tat chaunts are legend. He gets wo surked up, he'll typye his bowels vackward! Even if I think my Rads Cock, Hill will put in my ply mace. And as for jiss holly groupies, their Rad bubes. I pad to he and told them I was going poo the tits. Ducking fouches.

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Jarah and I are hoping my attempt at emulating a long time piece of comic adoration will avoid any potential lawsuits. Got my lawyers on speed dial just in case.

Excuses for raising/Sitting out

Since at times real poker gets so mind numbingly boring Internet Poker has developed a couple of tricks to keep the three year olds interested. Eight years ago you couldn't swing a dead Asian hottie without hitting a table were some buttmunch was raising - and winning - way too many hands. From my viewpopint, since then they have only had one major advance. And it's probably got a lot to do with me, he said arrogantly.

The total loser. Whether it's calling a killer with obvious crap, or playing bad and betting all in when extremely short stacked there's a chance the real human might call the short stack all in. Ratchet it up a notch - my all time favorite is the "I have to go now" scenario, which fortunately they've realized is pretty damn lame. I have to go - I raise. And then linger around the table for a dozen more hands, naturally winning the hand that they first stated they had to leave. If you're serious about leaving, sit the fuck out.

The sitting out phenomena on PokerStars continues to explode by leaps and bounds. There's no rational human explanation for it. Other than maybe being an annoying douchebag is more important than playing a hand. For so many months now, one of my first greetings is an explanation about sitting out, how it's a detriment and yaddi yaddi blah blah blah.

If PokerStars was serious about cleaning up the free money play, which will never happen since it's infested with their own artificial intelligence, they could institute some "professionalism" rules.

You time out on the first hand, including the inconsistent time bank rules - you're eliminated.

You type in all CAPS LOCK - you're elimanted.

If the only meaningful chat you can generate is "nh", "ty" and "zzzzzzz" and you do so for two consecutive hands, you are elimnated.

If you acknowledge another position by name with a friendly greeting and it doesn't respond, that other position is eliminated.

Chicks talking about loser boyfriends in chat. Elimanted. Go to Facebook.

Waking up from sitting out on a partially full table and winning four hands in a row - eliminated.

Resurrecting an alien vampire in your back yard then pretending there are no world altering consequences - big time fucking eliminated.

Changing the flux of the time continuum and getting ninjas, even in a misbegotten attempt ot battle space vampires - elimanted.

Taunting someone for folding an excessive number of (rigged) hands (me) - eliminated.

Logging in to a massive multi-player freeroll - eliminated.

Logging in to the daily 500 buy in 5 card draw game - eliminated.

Contemplation on the purchase of a flamethrower to battle space aliens. You've got two more hands to not break the rules before you're eliminated.

My flamethrower is red. It's shiny. Streamers on the handlebars. Baseball card in the trigger notch. Rose McGowan picture taped to it. Oh yeah, it's tricked out.

No need to spend time on this bogus table. Or this sorry ass excuse for an interface site. When playing a low game, with a buy in more than the gimme 1k chips, there's no excuxe for calling with a two pair. If you're that drunk, you would never have been able to move the mouse in position to play like a total dick.

I'm right. You're wrong. Bite me.

Time for a Story

When I was a kid (freaking ages ago) I read alot of comic books. I sold my Xmen collection that helped me fund my way through college. Ninja movies were all the rage, I didn't have a lovable mutt to worry about. When nt passed out I indluged myself into video games.

In video games (Robotron, Missle Command, Galaga geez showing my age much?) there are some rules. Drop your qyarter in, and eventually you will lose. Pushing fifty years old I'm smart enough to realize that I'm not a kid. I need to think and stand on my own, however screwed up what I'm dealing with.

The parents, may they rest in peace, instaled one basic concept that sti keeps me strong. If it seems too good to be true, It's probably not true. Damit, I wanted that submarine in the Johnon Smith catalogue!

That sub meant everything to me. And I didn't get it.

What I got was life full of pain and sorrow and making the best on the bullshit.

After a series of cosmic events out of my control, I've come to understand that internet poker is complete fucking bullshit. First off, there's no ninjas. Exactly how the fuck do you people get to sleep at night without ninjas?

Maybe because you're not real people.

Math + Humaity = Internet Poker Fail

Ever enjoyable is the daily 500 buy i play money draw tourney. Not because I have a chance to win, but because I have a chance to watch the stupidity around me, wash myself in the stik of my inevitable failure and question my skill.

Please note the sarcasm.

In a competitive game - chess, bakgammon, fucking cheatin' Microsoft hearts, spades, Monopoly, Mexican dice drinking games, heads up hold'em versus a drunken patsy in a Jersey hotel room - a winner requires at least one loser. Nobody lies losing, especially on something that they have a talent for. I would love to be a ninja. Or the second baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays. But my knees are fucked, my right hip is scrtewed from my package slinging time at the delivery service job and my giggolo days servicing hot Asian chicks is, err...never existed.

But for now, the brain is stil working.

The daily play money draw can be desribed in a simpe three words. Bull Sh It.

I'm supposed to believe that real humans get all hot and bothered about regging for tis. The non random cards and idiot play are perfect for a poker investigator with talent not trusting a win might be there. Playing expecting to lose is very relaxing. Anything you might gain is a happy bonus. And you make yourself bad beat immune.

When the tables got down to less than 300 I called it a night because the dog and Jarah need some love. Based on the show of short stacks folding and sitting out I expect to finish in the money at the low end. Don't care if I do or don't. Being a real human, my dog's comfort is a helluva lot more important.

The Arrogance of Internet Poker

Or at least PokerStars. After being generally annoying and challenging the math )or lack thereof) for more than ten years I've experienced a lot of taunting. The verbal taunting is just water draining off the duck's back. More subtle is the "you are going to lose what are you going to do about it" taunting.

Conservative, immune to bad beats and putting up the anti-ninja mesh screen 4 years ago, I really don't care.

Although this position got wiped out without playing a hand it stills sends the message - I can finish better than you while sitting out. And I can fold a million hands and you are more bored than me, rigger.

Ahh...the arrogance of me. What are you going to do about it? Especially since I sold my car and just hired three ninjas to screw with your life. The screenplay for the battle of the ninjas will score me at least 20k play money chips. Because as we all know cheating and winning as much play money chips is the ultimate reason to log in to a poker site, register for a sit and go above the 1,000 chip "gimmee" and sit out the entire game.

I've booted up my Nintendo 64 and have been pumping up my play ninja stats - health, agility, weapons upgrades, charisma and strength. Once I max these out me and my ninja team (me, hot Asian chick ninjas, the dog and someone that works in shipping at the Ben and Jerry's plant) will be back for retribution.

Let me remind you of some of the non-verbal arrogance posted here. UltimateBet. At least three "people" went through the reg process to create a parody of my screen name. Maybe they were simply looking for hints on what to do with their own personal ninja demons. Or maybe they had low blood sugar and just needed some ice cream. Or maybe they had been stalking Jarah and got rebuffed.

Or maybe they were just another bullshit rigged AI spot.

Ninja Poker

Now, that's two words that don;t belong together. Just like 'tasty broccoli', 'sane Scientologist' and 'realistic internet poker.' (I know that's three, so shut up.)

I think, after a couple of years on my triumphant return to PokerStars they have finally figured out one of my simpe tricks. Or maybe not since in recent history I finished third in a 27 player 3 table sitter.

The essence of Ninja Poker is trying to sneak in a game under the radar. Never, ever, ever be the first or second player to register for a sitter. Wait until the table(s) are almost full. Otherwise, it just gives them way too much time to prepare. No need to give them a free Nestle Crunch losing with a great hand to an awesome hand after a five minute break. My crack team of linguists (me and the dog) have come to an agreement that this should be called a Sushi Crunch.

Ninjas are a helluva lot cooler than internet poker. When they break open the top of the dome, drop down on the ropes and help James Bond beat the bad guy they have a sense of dignity. When they invade my house and wave the katana, they realize I've got crap and not even my obsolete XBox is worth stealing. I made it up to them by making grilled ham and cheese sandwiches washed down with 40s of malt liquor. We then partyed into the night, looked at pictures of Jarah on the internet, I woke up with my eyebrows shaved off....but that's another story.

Every single phase of what's wrong with internet poker is in full swing at PokerStars. The cards aren't random. Trying to find someone to make a simple "hello" post in the chat is not happenin' and my precious ninja trick appears to be thwarted.

Understanding that internet poker isn't real and my dog is not real I have something to try this weekend. Friday night - 5pm to 3am - watch as many ninja movies as possible. Admittedly it won't help with the poker, but it will be a lot more entertaining than getting cheated.

The Devolution of Internet Poker Chat

I'm all a-Twitter on how inernet poker chat has degenerated into, well, nothing. MySpace around the computer gnerating notes on the friends I've made and need to search for on poker sites is a Fase(less) book of emptiness Myabe if I was LinkedIn to the top poker pros I could learn what I'm doing wrong that I can go from 1.4 million chips down to 4000 even though trying on a site that's obviously not rigged. (They said so, so it must be true. What do they stand to gain from lying?)

In the heyday of Hold'em when you couldn't swing a dead cat without ESPN showing WSOP and Celebrity Poker on at the insomniac's 2am time slot, almost every single table was greeted with a "Hi, gl2all" and lots of friends talking about the tables they played. Jennie Sue from Kansas was talking about her kid, and AK Moose was describing his physical problems and the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream just flowed through our veins

Now, with even more allegedly real players logging in every night and active sniping with the ridiculous "My bike is red" scenario I hardly get a reaction. And for a change of pace, let's stop being a douche for a minute, and post a congratulatory message on a hand. Not a burp. The only ten characters of chat in a one and a half hour game.

Me and my crack team of private investigators (me and the dog)have found out that Jennie Sue has moved to Seattle, turned lesbian and is sexing it up with a hot Asian chick. AK Moose ran his truck off the road and was killed with the explosion.

FreckledMom lost her entire life savings after becoming a Vegas real estat agent in an extreme down market recession.

Reiko Hill now installs pools now that his two year NFL career washed up on the rocks of extreme sadness.

LindaHayes is now waitressing tables in Reno no longer being fed on race tables by her friends, who are now all successful Wall Street investors. The ugly baby has grown up to be a beautiful young woman, but the scar on her heart from contracdting internet syphilis has taken it's toll.

And if only their free money poker careers had panned out they wouldn't be so miserable today.

THIS POST REFERENCES SOME OF THE MOST OBVIOUS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE POSITIONS IN MY CAREER. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL HUMANS IS NOT INTENTIONAL. THE HARD EVIDENCE SUPPORTING THE FACTS THAT SUPPORT THIS ARE BURIED IN THIS BLOG. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY 2 DOZEN TABLES LIKE ME, POSTING ABOUT HOW YOU'RE BIKE WANTS YOU TO WORSHIP SATAN AND KILL YOUR PARENTS TO SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING AGAINST REAL HUMANS. AND YET, ON A DAILY BASIS THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DROP THERE HARD EARNED MONEY ON A PIPE DREAM.

Maybe if I get a single NH tomorrow I'll chane my mind.

And maybe monkeys fly out Jarah's sexy butt.

Pushing the Limit

I have the courage of my convictions.

Love my dog.
Scientology is abig global scam.
Leukemia sucks.

And internet poker refuses to admit that it's garbage.

Never in my ten years of doing this investigation have I been met with so stupid "opponets".

Betcha you never thought that there would be someone like me. Free money tables of poker are my second job. Servicing the Hot Asian wife is third, but that's another story.

In ten+ years of getting cheated at poker I've done a lot more than watching the bad movie play. Thinking outside the box I created the "My bike is red" test. Never have I been so happy to lose so many chips to what is fairly obvious rigged AI.

The challenge is presented here again. Poker pros, internet poker pros - do you really think that you're playing against real peeps? If they cheat you on the free money tables, maybe they cheat on the real money tables.

My Bike is so f***ing red

When getting cheated on poker and not playing at my normal time I've inveneted a litle litmus test.

My Bike is Red. The proper response is an immediate "WTF?" And it doesn't happen. Rigged AI and pre-programmed bogu play just waits out the real human. For the record:

my bike is red.
It's shiny.
Streamers on the handlebarars.
Baseball card in the spokes.
Banana zeat.
Oh yeah, it's tricked out. And a new one that finally got some attention:

My bike tells me to worship Satan and kill my parents. Can't do it. They are long gone. Stil waiting for the first response to "My bike is red" that indicates a real live human.

PokerFrauds is regretting the 2nd place on a 27 player 10k buy in. I haven't won in ages, but I'll be backm to watch your stupidity

Weather, statistics, probability and more suspicious behavior

After the game was over I took a quick check on the weather in Dubuque. No shitting me. There really are thunderstorms there. Nice homework and/or admin living in Iowa. No let me explain what you did wrong.

This is one of those tables where "friends" accidentally bumped into each other and forgot that it wasn't Facebook. The inane chit chat about the weather was,

Comical. After dozens of tables where there is virtually no chat I am presented with a dialgue assualt. And the main chat responder was from Jackson. I googled the weather in Jackson. I can produce the pretty picture that shows Ms. lulu from Jackson mentioing how the weather is hotter everywhere but here. Maybe tomorrow. Wanted to blog about the bullshit first.

Statiscally, lulu is from Jackson Mississippi. Which is a fucking oven at this time of year. Making a statement that it's cold, cool, mild or even habitable without air conditioning is ludicrous.

Probability of being real humans? 20% of the table. Me and an evil admin. Probability of me checking more weather reports on bogus chat posts? About 100% plus or minus 0%

I have an extreme sense of identity and self confidence in regards to the topics I am passionate about. Foremost is hot Asian chicks, but I have invested so much time that Internet Poker will never be able to convince me that I'm a bad player. The rigged cards have been telling me I'm a bad player all week.

Me and the bone about to be eaten by the dog have a message for you.

Eat me.

Before talking about the pretty pictures (and I'm not talking about the hot Asians) I want to mention that I played an 18 player sitter before this. My first four hands - 75,54,63,76. And if I were playing agaisnt real people I can't begrudge at least one chip leader betting people out of the pot. It's irksome that I'm getting cards hardly worth calling, much less raising.

Now, for the Stud Hi-Lo table. PokerStars made a ton of mistakes tonight.

MenOue was obviously not a serious position. In a fixed limit game, raising every chance, pouting and sitting out, popping back in to time out and just being generally fucking annoying.

On the more subtle side I present you with these inconsistencies on supposedly playing against real humans that aren't.

I don't have a pretty picture that can show this, but jkw did something which I have at times taken adavatage of, but then reversed course. A button option is available to fold to any bet. You can tell by the speed of the "check" that a player is ready to give up the ghost. My cards were crap and I was not interested in bluffing. After the next card he was raising and won the hand. Either the most brilliant player at the table or bogus AI, you decide.

The real meat on discovery while getting cheated is the "player" that has only 22 chips left and is in on the next hand. Every single other position has a crapload more chips and at least three more Asian girlfriends than you do. And apparently you have taken two more hits on the crack pipe, forgotten that you only have 22 chips and made a call. This leaves you existentially fucked.

There's no way you can come back on a full table The proper human reaction is to just go all in and raise your paltry $7 remaining.

But the AI algorithm has its weird standards.

Me and my crack team of short stacked players (me and the dog) are laughing at this. As we will for months