Don't Get Emotionally Attached to Casey Anthony

Me and my crack team of "What's Wrong with the World" experts (me, the dog and that Chinese take out I was saving that went bad after only two days in the fridge) have identified some stuff that just isn't right. Some is pretty obvious. Global economic melt down. Forget about seeing peace in the Middle East. Chocolate covered raisans, and so on.

Some of it is a tad more subtle. In general most people think OJ got away with murder. And now Casey and her crack team of lawyers (the dog is sitting this one out) have come up with some pretty bizarre and lame crap that might get her off the hook. Personally, I don't think so.

Then, the next tier is stuff that shouldn't be taken seriously, however continues to linger. Scientology comes to mind. Gravy covered raisans is second. Internet Poker is a solid third place. Despite recent events the tables refuse to be reasonable other than once in a month. There have been some arrests, but there's way too many billionaires in countries that can't be extradited that are laughing themselves all the way to their bank statement.

If Internet Poker continues to linger for decades I'll have to put my hopes on Casey Anthony getting her sleeve rolled up and some toxic chemicals pumped in for some minor happiness.

All Usa Table - Woohoo!

As is the usual case the game started with lots of heavy raising regardless of the quality of cards. Pair of nines - dammit. I'm all in. I don't care that it's a full table, I don't have to earn chips, I can just sit at every table I want to, lose and I still have an infinite chip stack.

The screen shot investigation started when motor boy (can I call you that? motor feeder? motor douche? motor ola?) was even more short stacked than my rigged to lose crappy cards stack.

With my superhuman powers of invisibilty I use to look at women's locker rooms and my superhuman power of patience I waited it out. Eventually short stacked more than a dieter looking to pancakes at Denny's I made it to the final table.

Motor douche led a charmed life and made it a couple more hands. Then some genious admin posted a pro-USA message. No secret here. I'm from the USA. Or like I like to call it from the Joe Mantegna line in House of Games, "The United States of kiss my ass."

Eventually this post appears about an all US table. I don't buy it. This massive pro USA chat doesn't distract me.

So let's post a little wee bit of bizrare chat.

AI doesn't have a country.

This deserves a response. "WTF dude?" "Shut up douche." Whatever. But it didn't happen. And you stupidly let me get second where I'm now in range of playing on 10k buy ins.

Jarah is crying into her Ben and Jerry's.

The Collective Intelligence

This bears worth repeating. This bears worth repeating. For an extended period, Full Tilt presented us with a succession of registration screens that were populated by a single position occupying multiple tables with the same reg stats. For an extended period, Full Tilt presented us with a succession of registration screens that were populated by a single position occupying multiple tables with the same reg stats.

And now magically, And now magically,

OK, if you don't get the point by now, load up your last TV and watch it for 24 hours straight.

Why am I not surprised that this nonsense hasn't continued? Because the collective intelligence - translated to algortithm or program, has finally been changed. Whether because of my pointed argument or natural process of the programmers realizing it wouldn't help their cause, we'll never know.

The Borg infected collective intelligence on PokerStars continues to operate 2 table Hold'Em sit and Go tourneys in the same manner every night. One position blows the dealer and gets ridiculously great cards. Raises them and sooooo many others fall for it and fall like chaff to the wind. Or like shaft to a sexting scandal if Anthony Wiener was playing. And what I've noticed lately is that this enormous dealer blowing vacuum often has to sit out to avoid winning every hand to make it look a little more believable.

In general, the collective intelligence, or lack thereof, on PokerStars does not sit out like crazy, like they have for extended periods in the past. The collective raises the minimum on any medium to low pair automatically. The collective intelligence has decided to not post even the most minimal "nh" and "ty" chat.

Just like the schoolgirls calling each other up and making sure they match what clothes they wear I'm supposed to believe that hundreds of thousands of people went viral on the Internet and communicated that this is the way to play on a poker site.

At least until the next update where the wardrobe change will be communicated.

So, for now I can work on the really important wardrobe issue in life. Does Jarah look hotter with the full frontal view, or the side view? I'm going with the side view.

Poketiquette - Whining About the Suckout

Now, for those uninitiated in poker terminology poketiguette is a word I made up and the phrase "suck out" means "bad beat". Yes, surprisingly this is not a sexual reference other than the possibility that my erstwhile opponent was distracted by the facts of the table by an unbelievable hummer by his vacuum cleaner and needed to blow off some steam.

Oh so quiet for so many hands as the wealth amasses while tithing the feeders on the table, and I naturally play patiently and fold my way too statiscally unreal hand after hand. And he, she or it gets the luxury of raising on he, she or it's statiscally unreasonable great cards.

So, when I finally get a decent set of hole cards and kick your ass, it would be nice to get a little respect and professionalism. One tiny "nh" instead of the never ending barrage of suck out refernces for the duration of the game.

As the rest of the match proceeded it became obvious that the great cards continued for he, she or it. (Which will now be abbreviated "heshit" for the duration of this post.) There's obviously something abnormal going on. Being evil, I add to this admin's frustration by using him to eliminate all other active players and taking an undeserved second place. Naturally, as soon as it was head to head I pulled the power card, got the dog a treat and watched TV.

Me and my crack team of heshit experts (me, the dog and the piece of fecal matter caked on to the bottom of my toilet bowl) have a theory. Admin distracted by having to pay attention to more than one table. Called a hand heshit shouldn't have. Got hisheit ass kicked and tried to cover up by potty mouth talk.

It's not a suck out when you were beat before the turn and the river. Get your story straight before you post crap in chat.

Cut the Grass or Play Poker?

Me and my crack team of lawn experts (me and the dog) have discovered something no one ever thought of before. The grass just doesn't cut itself. You have to actually expend some energy to break out the lawn mower and cut it.

Mom and Dad have been dead for a decade, so my laundry isn't going to get done and dial switching on the TV looking for something tolerable isn't going to get done unless I spend some energy.

So, what we here at the Big Lay Down(me, the dog and lots of hot Jarah pics) have taken a strange and abnormal stance that I'm a real person and that pretty much like 95% of all the poker tables I visit is populated by rigged artifical intelligence.

It's extremely improbable that a real human logs into one of the major sites and registers for multiple tables. Two people doing that - your grass really needs to be cut.

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The main point - allegedly PokerStars has started giving back "real money" (their quotes, not mine.) and despite their login message expressing their concern it's still not happening.

About 8 years ago I forecast that Blockbuster Video would self destruct and I'd be the first to put on my boogey shoes and dance on their grave. You killed the Mom and Pop video store industry. I quietly watched as you self-destructed. Now I watch as a fradulent mult-billion dollar industry implodes and I can kick back, open a new 40, pet the dog, look at ny freshly cut lawn and say:

Why the fuck are people stupid enough to piss away real money on this bullshit

Not Hard if You Have Any Brains at All

Pardon me while I giggle. And this is without the assistance of ether or nitrous oxide, or even a Ben and Jerry's sugar rush. And I was more or less funneled into this table instead of really choosing it by desire.

After a couple of weeks off from PokerStars busting on the bogus sit and go registrations by Full Tilt I have been spending some time there last night and tonight. I started my comeback trail by getting obviously cheated at two sit and go games and was left with less then 1200 chips. Therefore, it's time for some race table Omaha Hi-Lo. I've got less than 200 chips to lose for all practical purposes. If I get wiped I get to rebuy with 1k freebies.

Why am I not surprised that I gained 7k in less than half an hour? Because race tables have way too many "people" interested in being losers than being productive by making music downloads, eating dinner, jerking off...basically any signs of real life.

There's still some need for caution. At least at this point it's not the wild everyone goes all in racing from just a couple years ago. But, it does provide a couple of giggly nuggets.

Ruelich wants the play to be faster. When it's not fast enough for his tastes there is a bombardment in the chat about the perpetrators of this non-funnish stupidity.

Actually guy, taking some time to think about being in on the hand instead of an instant reaction shows some sense of using a brain instead of clicking on "raise" all the time. But it does get better.

Someone has chosen to go through their PokerStars career named 'huuryup_pls". Also a fan of the fast play and obviously sleeping with ruelickmesogood.

I use two pcs. It's expensive. I've ruined a ton of mouses and keyboards by switching cables between the two. Things have gotten better since I buy USB port peripherals. The main reason for the two pc attack is that this computer won't let me generate a new PokerStars account. My registry has been poisoned with values that can't be removed.

Yet, someone has managed to make their free money poker career be hurryup_pls. Kinda like naming yourself "Pustule".

Which you can't do because someone with extremely low self esteem has already taken it.

PokerStars Message on Real Money Games

It's almost a no lose situation for me. Taken at face value PokerStars has locked down depository and play activity on real money games. There's no reason to have real money on account anymore, so poker addicts that haven't been paying attention to the obvious bizarre play they are met with don't have any reason not to cash out. And, if they try to cash out and can't we can be sure that some are going to take offense and get angry.

The one reason it's not a total win is something I remember from my accounting schooling 20 years ago. Retail firms count on laziness when issuing rebates and selling gift certificates. You may be surprised to know that maybe only like 20% of rebates ever make it bake to the consumer pocket. And this doesn't even include the spurious companies who get a valid rebate submission and manage to screw over the would be recipient. Yes, I'm looking at you Hewlett Packard who got my $50 rebate submission for $50 and wrote me back that I didn't include a register receipt. Really. The single most important part of a rebate submission and you are trying to convince me I was stupid enough to not include it.

I'm so made at them that when my motherboard died I immediately bought another HP machine. Hence my comments about the unclaimed rebates and human nature.

However, for now everything is right in the world. I found a bunch of new Jarah lingerie pics today. Me and my crack team of lingerie model experts (me and the dog) are sticking by our claim that she is still the hottest woman on the planet.

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There's been a crap load of LeBron James floating around. I would be disappointed if I couldn't add my own. Most of them are related to choking in the fourth quarter and the lack of a championship ring. Proudly, I admit that my offering is a bit different. There's no doubt he's a stud. There's no doubt that the things he's said show that he's being coached by Tom Cruise's PR rep. So here we go -

When you compare his physical prowess with the stupidity that comes out of his mouth it's obvious that there's more LeBrawn than there is LeBrains.

Full Tilt - cut you a break and you failed

My latest posts have been focused on how Full Tilt continues to produce registration screens that abound in a single player that registers for multiple tables that won't be polluted (was gonna say populated, but polluted seems like a much better description.) Last I checked, I am a real person. Did it again. I have a pulse. And I'm still interested in yanking the lumber to Asian Hotties. This is also a sign that I'm not ready to punch the time clock one last time.


Exceedingly bored and jacked up on a sugar high from way too much Ben and Jerry's Stormy (not her real name, we have it on record that it's Stormiata and she's been running guns for the Russian Mafia for the past seven years.)

I warned you about the bullshit registration. I took a week off nursing the sick dog and you still offer bullshit tables.

Juiced Cards on Full Tilt Poker

When I'm greeted by a hand where three of my opponents are doing heavy petting (dog! get away from the "p" key!) betting, since my non-random cards are crap it's an easy fold. Naturally for a cover story there's a "WOW" and a "nh" in the chat to give the illusion that this incredibly statiscally unreal was unexpected.

This gives me the green light to do a variation of the "My bike is red" insane chat that deserves a response, but as was again in this case ignored. I used the made up word "gridge" in about a half dozen posts. My favorite was "gridge digger". For the low IG poker site employees that appear to be reading this blog, these are the letters of "rigged", rearranged into a nonsensical sequence. As with "My bike is red." And "Reese Witherspoon is dead" with the multiple insane follow up posts it desrves a response.

Based on my expectations of real human nature there should be a chance that the first post is responded to. By the second we are approaching somewhere near 100%. posting four more without the single query on what my problem is - on players I've never sat at a table with before -

Gotcha rigged card cheater.

Don't populate a game only with AI against me. If you can't place at least one Bavarian sweatshop worker admin that you are paying minimum wage to toggle cheat mode and post some chat, it makes it way too easy for me.

Marceigh on Full Tilt

Oh, Marceigh. Poor dear dear old Marceigh. I called in an old favor with someone I know at the census bureau and gave your name the capital letter it so richly deserves at the start. I'm not worried. I have some extremely incriminating photos of him sending pictures of his junk to young females on Twitter and Facebook. If he doesn't want to see these photos spread all over the Internet I will be able to blackmail him forever. There's a truck without tires on blocks on his lawn, old appliances on the porch, stacks of decade old newspapers in his living room and the biggest jar of soda can tabs I've ever seen in my life. What a Wiener.

Todeigh, Marceigh has logged into five simultaneously running 7-game sit and goes with eigh(a) 1,000,000 million chip buy in. You don't seigh. I understand the desire to enter the freigh, but that's weigh too many chips for a real person to be flashing around. On an ordinary deigh I'm lucky if I score 10keigh. So exactly how many years did you pleigh to score this kind of chip stick. Did you buy them on eBeigh? It's not everydeigh one gets to see such impressive skill displeighed by the mere registration on multiple tables. Compared to you, evryone else is just plain geigh.

Make heigh while the sun shines, Full Tilt. Sooner or later even the poker pros that meigh notice what's going on and abandon you, even if they aren't from the US market.

Gotta go. I'm going to wake up Jarah for a leigh and watch the Blue Jeighs game.

By the weigh, if you're that good, why not pleigh on the real money tables? Why didn't you before the lockdown. Trying to understand makes me creighzy.

(Ooooh - speel check is NOT going to like this post at all.)

Callsall

That's a curious name. For someone that folds more hands than I do.

And dating back to Friday, yesterday marks the fourth consecutive day that someone has bought into multiple 7-game tables that will never be filled in a reasonable amount of time.

Me and my crack team of repo men (me, the dog and Emilio Estevez) have done some research on our recently purchased Repocalc09XB (an Atari 2600 with a "Pitfall" cartridge) and have discovered that if you log into multiple Full Tilt 7-games, provide a valid register receipt for your real money deposit and fill out 63 pages of paerwork in triplicate (all originals, no photocopies allowed) that when submitted to Full Tilt they will return your money on account.

Hah! Fooled you! Rebates never work. Your wasting your time.

Lady Gray

Brace yourselves. There's a new FreckledMom in town. And this gal goes by the name of Lady Gray It would probably be Lady Gaga, but that's already been taken.

Lady Gray's claim to fame is to register on multiple tables without an rational cognitudivenss (real word) as to why she would want to be there. Get this fans, she registered on 100k buy in tables and the 250 chip games. And I've seen this "player" a couple of nights in a row.

No happy medium. No 2k or 10k buy in. No those tables might actually get filled with real people. 250 chips games won't get filled in by anyone with skill. 100k buy ins aren't going to fill because of the cheating.

Come on. There's lots of 1 mil;lion buy in games where someone is waiting to play you. It only takes three days of not sleeping and eating and non-random cards and you can join in the fun.

HA!

Everyone, please help Matt Stewart 75. (because Matt Stewart 74 was already taken)

He's real serious about a 10k buy in HA game. Won't someone please play with him?

Stupid, just plain and simple stupid

The past few weeks I haven't really played that much poker. I've had real life issues to deal with like preparing for the end of the world on May 21st.

And, you don't have to play a single hand to see that it's a big database of AI and not real peeps.

Normally I hate my asshole neighbors for waking me up by a souped up vehicle driving at 65 miles an hour in my 25 mph residential zone. But tonight I forgive the loud noises because it gets me another chance to continue what I call Operation Registration.

Currently you can't swing a dead cat in Full Tilt without hitting games that aren't going to be populated by real people, yet there are players waiting.

One time it can be considered strange but believable. Twice, now we're getting crazy weird. Three times.

I can duplicate this every single day until Full Tilt gets smarter and changes the program.