One undeniable truth about internet poker

We can be certaqin that it's not rigged. Why? Because they said so. And if the said so, it has to be true. All the math, logic and bizarre actions that don't fit in with human nature don't mean a thing.

What do you call rolling loaded dice? A rigamarole.
What's the favorite food of internet poker? Rigatoni.
Who's the favorite baseball player of internet poker? Dave Righetti.
What's the favorite boating activity of internet poker? A rigatta.
What do you call an the state of a dead position in internet poker? Rigor mortis.
What's the favorite city of internet poker? Riga.
What's the second favorite boating activity of internet poker? Rigging.
What is internet pokers favorite dance? The rigadoon.
Who's the favorite football player of internet poker? Riggie White.
What's the term for an extreme bad beat? Rigicide.
How do you enter an internet poker game? Rigister.
What's the name for those stars next to your icon? Rigalia.
What do you call a sitter that wakes up after 50 hands? Rigeneration.
What do you call an internet poker position that raises every chance? Rigorous.
How do you answer an angry post in internet poker? You rigdicule it.
What's the favorite music of internet poker? Riggae.
What's the term for losing a ton of chips in one sitting? Rigression.
What's the term for not folding a hand that you should have folded? Rigret.
What is internet poker's political stance. Definitely the rigged wing.

You can do whatever you want, but after my experince (and I go looking for trouble) there is only 10 words for internet poker.

Bogus, bullshit, fantasy, doodlesnot, Venusian(dog's suggestion, not mine), rigdiculous, ludicrous, foofoo, trapezoidal (Asian hottie math major's suggestion, not mine) and

er....um....wtf is the last word? Begins with a t, no...so tired...can't focus...wait, it will come to me...tally ho?... no, that starts with a t and we know that's not right...vampire?...no not right...ok!!!!

Rigged.

The nightly 5 card draw game on PokerStars.

This has time and again proven to be a huge waste of time. And it's very hard for me to imagine a real human getting excited about it and wanting to be involved. It's a multi-table game that usually generates about 1100 to 1200 participants. The buy in is low. 500 chips. So if you're working for a big score the payoff for the top ten is decent.

The payoff for the rest is crap.

Now, if I didn't have my Asian Hottie cheering section I would have given up when I was massively shortstacked with 500 players left in the game. The cheering section and pride made me tough it out.

Never in my life have I worked so hard for a net gain of 376 chips playing two and 1/2 hours. Especially considering that the first hour my cards were obviously not random - they sucked. (Check your precious hand histories. I didn't have a drought for 10 minutes - I had a drought of an hour where there wasn't anything a sane poker player would get all warm and fuzzy about.)

Naturally once I built myself up to 30k and was in the money my full house lost to a better full house. Which generated "someone" else finally posting some chat after 2+ hours of play. "nh"

Yes, it was. And it was probably only mentioned because it screwed me over from dreams of finishing much higher than the 130th I did.

It doesn't matter. My bevy of Asian girlfriends say "nh" to me all the time. It's their cute way of asking, "Need haqndjob?" No, not yet. I'm playing poker. If you can call this nonsense poker.

The typical multi=table game starts off with at least one position sitting out and at least one position taking a huge amount of time and me getting bullshit cards. There was someone with 7,970 chips (starting with 2,000) before the first hand at my table was finished, With as many of these that I've played I should have been presented with a killer on the first hand that I go all in and a couple of morons buy into it. But it just doesn't happen.

The programmers really need to hire a mathmetician or statisticain to fix some of the bugs. I've heard that Asians are good with math. I can send you one of my girls. When their not "nh"ing me.

After weeks/months of no real human contact I decided to take a break from actively playing for chips. The PokerStars freerolls are a perfect distraction. There's no pressure. There's no way a real human can finish in the top 40 of a 5,000+ player game. Especially me. I'll be asleep loooooong before the outcome of this is over.

Now, let's look at the chat that was posted at my first table. And take my word for it, this is the second message about someone posting about "ti-counn". The "English only nazis did not make an appearance. This could be a message of encouragement. TI- might mean take it.

Let's examine the possibilities:

1) Drugs. Fire up that crack before starting the game.
2) My bike is red. And if so, the most bizarre variation I've ever seen that me and my crack team of hat tippers (me and the dog) will have to give massive kudos to.
3) Encouragement from a friend.

Wait a second! If you are friends on a 5,000+ player multi-table game, how the fuck did you get seated at the same table? The odds are astronomical if random seats are assigned.
4) Ninjas. They are cool and stealthy. When not physically attacking they may just be out there playing mindgames in their push for world domination. I, unfortunately, have brought myself onto their radar screen by too many pictures of Asian hotties. Hey, it could happen.
5) Admins - they can sit at whatever table they want. And yes, dear Virginia, they do exist. Over the 10+ years I've been playing I've seen way too many rule breaks to believe that the software is so ill conceived that it can't handle the most basic function. For example, this tournament should have been fully seated almost immediately after it was two minutes before the first hand. If there's one task a computer can do quickly, this should be it. Yet, the clock wound down to 1 minute before my rigged seat was available.
6) Leprechauns. The eternal enemy of the ninja. I hate the bastards.
7) Scientologists - The eternal enemy of the psychiatrist. I hate these bastards.
8) Psychiatrists. - the eternal enemy of Bingo the Wonder Pony. I dislike, but do not hate them. With my medication I've only seen Bingo twice in the past 3 weeks.
9) Bingo the Wonder Pony. A fictional creation that makes about as much sense as random cards on internet poker.

I love you Bingo. And as I cry into my Ben and Jerry's I will ignore the voice of Satan that has been insinuating some very nasty things about kittens.

My bike is red

Too lazy to put an admin at the table, internet poker loads the game with artificail intelligence. The easiest discovery is posting something insane in the chat.

If you're a real human being and someone posts "My bike os red" what do you do? Wait until the next rigged hand and say "nh" or "y"? AI don't work that way, The simple and insane post of "My bike is red" should be met with:

What the fuck?
Shut up
I see we have an idiot

Presented as an interface. Plays like a database.

No challenge on the obvious flaw? Ace is high, A2345 is not a straight. I guess you assholes aren't paying attention/

Hand Histories Proving the Integrity of Internet Poker

Just a bit back I shared on how I challenged PokerStars on the riggedalific natural of the game. I got a form email letter back which only addressed the issue of random cards. (Which they aren't, but as I progress here you will see I don't care.)

This table had three awfully suspicious attributes, and more importantly two out right rule breaks. They just can't help themselves. And they think nobody is paying attention.

Suspicious item #1. Naturally, there is someone who wins way too many hands early on and becomes a chip bully raising very often. Buster was classic. Now to his credit the raises were usually pretty modest. But mathematically if you think about it modest raises don't drive out players and someone else should be able to stand up to you. At least on occasion.

Suspicion #2 - After the major outright rule break my spidey sense was in high drive and I thought for pride I'd just try to not finish last. This is intimately tied to suspicion #3, and out right rule break #1.

Suspicion #3 - Someone that sits out from hand one should be squashed like a bug on a game with antes. So I figured I could outwait Daveyboy and for pride at least not finish in last. (Which I did, because the player with the hot cards early got them the entire tourney. I was the bring in for a far too many statiscally number of hands to be believed. Check your precious hand histories and explain that douchebags.)

Rule Break #1 - daveyboy. We're back to registering for a tournament and not even having to sit at the table. Actually, this is also Suspicion number 4. What kind of a person would register for a tourney and sit out the whole time? For a period of a couple of weeks PokerStars had cleaned it up and after my vacation of leaving them alone for a bit we're back to not even having to sit at the table and click on the sit out button. Ya just sit.

Rule Break #2 is golden and is captured in the screen shot. It's been a long time since I've seen this crap, and frankly I'm surprised they would pull it at my table. You have shown signs of knowing what I'm about many times. Do you really think I care about losing at a rigged table taking me down to a couple hundred of chips when I can catch this?

The automated dealer posts results of hand in the chat. And here we are, early on in Eight Game where the first of the eight is triple draw 2-7 lowball and you've posted the bogus result for all the world to see.

It's called 7-2 for a reason. Ace is high. Flushes are counted as high regardless of if it's a 75432 flush. It's a sucky hand. And an A2345 straight beats a pair of twos on a lowball game.

Tell me PokerStars - how do you defend the integrity of your site with just hand histories? What's next? A high hand wins game where a pair of threes beats four aces?

The Evolution of Poker

Historian Ida Notwannafold has completed a brilliant treatise of the evolution of poker with the brilliant and imaginative title - "The Evolution of Poker." This was a must read for me despite the price tag of the large ante and being forced into the big blind seat on the first hand. The highlights follow:

4000 BC - Somewhere in the Middle East. The first deck of cards is . Unfortunately there are only four cards, so every game is limited to a four player game of Indian. The very first hand after much laughter on their new creation, the question is posed. "Ok - what's an Indian?"

829 AD - Egbert of Wessex advances poker technology by expanding the deck The king is added as a card.

892 AD - Alfred the Great creates the Ace, since he's so much better than the common king. Poker technology again advances leaps and bounds since now the bad beat on the river over pocket kings is a real and present danger.

Approx. 1200 AD. (the exact date has not been pinned down) - somewhere around this time the first Hot Asian chick to play poker distracts her male opponent by her hottines and wins the equivalent of $24 and a couple of boxes of peas. Her family later uses this inheritance to buy land in America years later.

1876 AD - Wild Bill Hickox receives the famous "Dead Man's Hand" Originally thought to be Aces and Eights two pair, we now know he was playing 7-2 single draw lowball at a saloon called "PokerStuds" and was bluffing. When called out he committed suicide.

1978 AD - Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream is founded. This paves the way for Jarah's addiction in subsequent years.

1990 AD - Internet poker is created and poker is ruined forever.

2008 AD - a blogger who has wasted time over a ten year period of investigation exposes the fairly obvious math problems, rule breaks and lack of humanity and general bullshit. No sense of sanity is restored and Jarah does not return to his side after their previous torrid love affair. The dog doesn't care - more attention for him.

Where are the Internet Poker English Only Nazis?

To guard the integrity of the game, PokerStars has a ton of features. First of all, the cards are certified random by some company that nobody has heard of. If they said it was so, it must be true! This company has obviously not been playing on the same PokerStars site that I have. There must be another out there that unsuspecting players stumble upon when Googling "Nonfradulent Internet Poker."

Application of their rules is so willy nilly it's a joke. The timebank is a rule that is constantly broken. Sometimes a player doesn't fold fold and is forced to sit out. Other times a player doesn't fold and the time bank kicks in.

My all time favorite is the English only strike force. Who the fuck cares? Are you giving each other signals (and it's always Spanish) to cheat at FREE MONEY games? Are there so many pathetic losers that have to collude at FREE MONEY games that you need to police them? Or did you only police them for three months and then found out you were wasting your time?

As you can see, the screenshots are back in business. The only chat posted on this game was Spanish, or gibberish if not real Spanish. I have my suspicions since the one may have seemed to reference Scientology's infamous Emeter.

Typical of a PokerStars 2 table game I spent most of my time in last place, barely made the final table and miracuosly came out in third on some of the crappiest cards I've ever seen on a certified random 100+ card game. No, I'm not bitter. Because I found a hot Asian chick in a thong.

Internet Poker Screen Shots

When I first started busting on the
OBVIOUS inconsistencies in internet poker years ago I amassed a pretty hugefical (real word) catalogue of things that just didn't make sense. Tonight, and strangely coinciding with some of the least bogus play in months, I find that I can no longer get them. And my whine was tiny and not as obvious as some of the past bullhockey. Multiplayer low buy-in 5 card draw. The idiot raiser gets wiped out and the replacement, Don Tattoo01 sits at the table way faster than a real human could possibly do so. I snatch the shot, go to paint, and there's nothing to paste. I try several times more. No successfulishisnessicallity. (Even me and my crack team of vocabulary experts (me and the dog) will agree that this is not a real word.)

More investigation is due on two things -
1) Is there an Asian chick hotter than Jarah?
2) Was this an aberration and future tourneys will allow me to post the bullshit that internet poker is?

Only time will tell.

In the meantime, screenshots of hot Asian chicks abound. Enjoy them until those sites block the screenshots.

But now me and my crack team of non-censorship loving Anonymous kicking Scientology's ass wonder.

Is the change because you had something to hide?

Pokerstars quest for the ten billionth hand dealt

That must be what it's all about. Every single table has a sitter (or more.) Sitters fold instantly. Here's the checklist:

1 - first hand establish a chip leader, often through bogus means like someone allegedly not understanding the game.

2 - Real human at the table? Goad them into playing fast by whatever means.

3 - Ratchet up #2 - real human not playing fast enough? Taunt.

4 - Rig to elimainate real human.

5 - Masturbate.

Come on guys. I go for weeks without seeing a serious table. I pretty much have the system figured out. When I'm getting cheated by non-random cards it's my poker gods given right to play as I wish. Timing out and playing slow are perfectly within the rules of the game. And if you want to break the rules to make my life miserable it only serves to keep you up on my radar screen.

Now I have apparently taunted for slow play in Spanish. Naturally the "This is an English only site" Nazis didn't make an appearance.

There's a crapload of things wrong with internet poker than the non-random cards.

So much time to right your ship...and still

Single Draw lowball is not a very popular game on PokerStars. It would never be populated by real humans playing sensibly and trying to win. Probability shows you would have a better chance at siring a baby with Asa Akira than meeting up with a full table that doesn't realize that the low hand wins.

Bluffing...blah....blah....blah. Playing losse....blah...blah...blah. I have to leave...blah...blah...blah. The admin excuses for idiot play are so insincerious (real word.)

There are a couple of things I've noticed on my recent PokerStars stint that are in the realm of the not obviously bogus, but certainly seem suspicious nature. And this relates to the alleged randomness of the cards. And this is coming from someone that plays a ctapload of hands a week.

There seems to be several factors that affect what kind of cards you get:

1) Your play money chip stack in total.
2) How much chat you post/professionalism on losing.
3) The speed of your play
4) Getting into a tickle fight with Jarah when viewing pics of Asa.

1 - Okay, naturally if you progress to buying in to a 10k table the competion should be stronger, I don't see it. I just see me getting cards a 5 year old would toss.
2 - Years ago I was annoyed at the constant "ty" and "nh" mentality of the alleged players. If you want to social network go to Facebook or Twitter, Don't raise every single hand on a poker site.
3 - As a gesture of defiance to non-random cards I have a predilection to use a crap load of time before folding. Apparently this (me) bacterium has infested PokerStars and you can't swing a dead Asian supermodel without meeting up with at least one jackwipe that plays oh so slow.
4 - ASA!!! Stop that! It tickles!

Internet poker cards are about as random as 2 divided by 2 equals one.