Hand Histories and Random Cards on Internet Poker

+Recently I got the friendlificul (real word) message from PokerStars that beyond a shadow of a doubt the cards have been certified by an independent agency that they are totally random. This independent agency is certainly not "in the pocket" of internet poker. (My words, only implied by them.) Personally, I think my personal database of over 250,000 hands played far outweighs this assertionism (real word.)

My success in sit and go games on PokerStars has almost always been about waiting out the first couple dozen of hands using my superhuman patientaliful (real word) skill. Over the longhaulishness (real word) me and my crack team of patientaliful experts (me, the dog and that cute Asian girl who won't give me her phone number because she's waiting for her knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet and go jello wrestling with him in the Maldives) have noticed something rather suspiciacallic (yet again, real word.)

Why is it that I can play dozens of sit and go games and I have to essentially sit out twenty before I finally start getting some decent cards? Maybe in the long run my cards can be considered "average" but when they are constantly backloaded and I have to play shortstacked all the time I'm at a huge disadvantage. Recently I played one sit and go where my highest card in the first four hands of a Hold'em game was an eight with no pairs and no suiting including the ever lovable 7-2. In the meantime other positions are scoring major points over jackasses with only marginally better than my cards calling their big riases, Why don't I ever get the chance to feed on these farms?

For a change of pace I did the low buy in play money game they offer every night. And I've seen this far too often. From my earlier candy posts I call this the Nestle Crunch. After a break in a multi table game there is always a hand that they want to wipe you out with. Pat three of a kind. Slightly bored and wanting to prove the point I went all in. Naturally someone else had pat three 7s.

As a bonus, I find it curious there's a clean shaven avatar of someone who chose the name Furry Jake. Must be his lover he's talking about.

Soccer Moms play too many Internet Poker Games

That has to be the only rational explanation for this piece of chat. On a table with not just one, not two but THREE soccerball avatars eventually one chats (after the normal ghost town over the first 30+ hands) and lols about their 84 pocket hand. On five card draw.

I've seen an abundance of these soccerball avatars over the past few days. And it really doesn't make any sense. Obsessed with both poker and soccer? Are you playing poker on multiple tables and watching live or replayed soccer games? Did you have time to service the wife/boyfriend/Asian Hottie, cut the grass, take out the trash, walk the crack team and calculate the value of PI to 115 decimal places?

I doubt it. That's all believable EXCEPT taking out the trash.

As soon as I see one soccerball avatar the Spidey sense starts tingling. Two is a DefCon 3 alert. Three is...well, do the bucket list, the apocalypse is nigh.

(Editor's note: Took second place in the play money. But it was like trying to pull teeth from a 3 week old baby.)

The table also featured another all too common feature of PokerStars Sit and Go games. Extremely slow play. Now that my superhuman power of patience has been recharged I was able to outwait the bullshit

Go ahead and time out admins. I promise you that you'll get bored long before I do.

The Oh So Fine Poker Guest 89

After the highway robbery this weekend, and including some rare impatience on my part, I'm now funneled into the baby tables. But that's OK, since time has shown that there's lots of good stuff out there, too. And not since finding out the Pustule has been taken as a player name on four different sites have I found this unusual name choice anomaly.

Universally the sites offer a log in as a guest feature. Check it out, don't bother going through the embarrassingly long registration process which leads to a string of spam in your email. So it's reasonable to expect that I might be actually sitting at a table with one of those. But there is a deeply suspicious catch here.

Avatar. Not the movie, the picture/icon.

There's a stable of boring basic avatars to choose from. Maybe you could pick one of those right away as a guest. I'm not interested in spending the time right now to check it out. The avatar that guest 89 has chosen is NOT one of them.

Being so concerned with our moral welfare, picking an avatar requires a waiting period. The sites must be sure you're not trying to upload something offensive like a picture of a naked frog or fully clothed Asian woman. It takes at least 24 hours for their crack teams of inoffensive avatar experts (them and their dogs) to review your choice.

And yet, here's a guest with a picture that looks like snowmobiles.

So fella, have you been playing for weeks/months/years and the most exciting username you could think of was "guest 89???" Naturally you went all in on complete bullshit on the first hand and it paid off. I'm going to have to stick to my first guess of rigged AI/admin nonsense.

One of the things that I am proud about, and a big f u to Patrick on the PokerFrauds support team is thinking outside the box and not worrying about me as much as what others do. How did you get 10k to even sit at this table? Why aren't you servicing the wife? Why did you decide to pop up into the same table as me and be such a douchebag?

I'll tell ya why. Because you aren't a real human being. You're an annoying crazy raising computer chip.

No secret that I like to play one table sit and go games. Never before have I experienced 200,000 plyers and only eight rigged options.

The math says - rigged AI vs. rigged AI. Sorry human. have a nice day

Let me splain (real word) sumpin' to ya'

As has often been said, Asian women are HOT!

Now that this obviousifical statement has been made jet me go on the record here. (Again.)

I'm not just some chump who sat at a poker site free money table for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I've been doing this for ten years now. Far too often I'm treated like I'm incompetent. Which doesn't bother me much since I know they're wrong. Real and competitive poker is not raising every hand, and getting away with it.

Dad was a math teacher. Not surprisingly, I've come to understand math and probability. And with a statistical database of over 250,000 handa the math is definitely on my side that the cards are not random.

PokeStars Support sent me a friendly message that I'm an idiot and the cards are certified on a regular basis by some company they hired. Their main defense was that the hand histories prove this. I swear if you looked at the histories of my 250,000 hands you'd see this is not true. Maybe on an average table the histories are in line. But there's almost always one idiot raiser that is obviously getting better cards than everyone else. Hand after hand. The AI illusion of competence. Vaccuums and feeders. Raisanettes and Goobers. For the game to work, as any game is to work, in addition to a winner, there must be a loser. And there are far to many losers so willing to part with their hard earned chips.

Me and my crack team of eating his cow bone experts (me and the dog) are so sick of this that -

We'll be here every day this week.

I love it.

The Ever Lovable Multiplayer Internet Poker Freroll

There are two main cheats in internet poker. One is the active rigging where an active position at the table (usually very chatty and calls you by your screen name) and poorly disguises the fact that they can manipulate the cards and have basically toggled "cheat mode." These are fun for me since I will fold a bazillion hands and miss out on all the bad beats. There must be some competition like in the Dane Cook/Jessica Simpson movie "Employee of the Month." The admin that scores the most flameouts gets a fucking toaster or something.

(Surgeon General's warning - do NOT fuck a toaster - the electrocution harm will far outweigh the orgasmic benefit.)

Since it's just a ton of AI instead of real people, the most common cheat is to present a table with allegedly real people. The algorithm has certain standards on betting, raising and folding. And in order to make sure a real human does not have any success the AI gets great cards and the real human gets toaster bullshit.

Normally I do try and sit at a table where I think I may have a reasonable chance to finish in the money. Occasionally, like tonight, I was all toastered out and decided to log in to a 6k+ player freeroll just to see if they might have tweaked the program. Not even close.

A fixed limit game on PokerStars is always met with multiple players raising every chance they get. Their toasters must be broken, and they are so bored they have nothing better to do than login to their favorite poker site and raise.

My first clue that I was doomed to lose was that I was moved to another table after the first bogus hand. OK, late registration is on, but statiscally out of more than 6,000 - why me? Real human with talent playing! We may have to actually worry about giving a prize! Screw him and his toaster!

Me and my crack team of toaster experts (me and the dog) were not surprised. And that vaccuum cleaner is looking mighty tempting, but it will have to wait until the new episode of Burn Notice is over.

Which is worse - Scientology or internet poker?

We are coming up on the three year anniversary on the fraud of Scientology. I've been investigating the fraud of internet poker for 10 years. It's a tough call. Neither one has hot Asian babes.

We (me and my crack team) are going to go out on a limb and go with Scientology on this one.

At times internet poker has brought a smile to my face with the crazy gyrations that they go through to make it look not rigged. There's nothing funny about Scientology. In addition to the monetary rip off that both have, there are tons of human rights abuses in Scientology. Google "Lisa MacPherson" and you'll learn everything you need to know about these bat-shit crazy whackjobs. Last I checked nobody died because of getting cheated on internet poker. Although maybe some extreme addicts got very depressed and committed suicide after dropping their life savings on a big game.

To complete your Scilon courses and reach spirtual freedom in Scientology you need a bankroll in the neighborhood of half a million US dollars, and their requests for money won't stop after that. At least you can play for real money on internet poker with blinds of $.o2 and $.04.


BTW, the lovely gal in these pics is Asian actress/model Asa Akira. It's well known Jarah is a ten. Asa comes in at a close second of 9.9875

Getting Schooled

Yesterday was interstful (real word) to say the least. After months of being a chat ghost town PokerFrauds has apparently decided to go crazy on the pretending to be for real thing.

Normally I sit at a game that is just me versus AI. Occasionally I sit at a game that it's me versus one admin controlling the game.

I love it when they do stupid stuff. People that don't know poker that get to toggle cheat mode. Too bored to geat the screenshot I missed my chance to show that someone was telling me I was a bad player for slow playing a killer on an as is normal for PokerFrauds loose game.

The point is - not only are the cards rigged at times you have to play against someone that can break the rules, fix the cards and take an interest in making your poker life miserable instead of just letting it slide.

In general, PokerFrauds is now set on impossible mode, Getting a pair on the first 50 hands of a Hold'em game is out of the question. Getting an Ace that might hold up is out of the question. Having players play to win instead of playing to make you lose is out of the question.

Don't taunt me. When I have an Ace high flush on Bad Beat City with the possibilty of a straight flush a 'check' might be the right thing to do. I've seen a crappola (real word) load of cards, I'm smart and at times care about what is going on.

Even tough I'm used to it, getting cheated at internet poker is a bore. Why would anyone else other than me even bother with it?

You Just Might be a Riggedneck

Have you ever sat at a fixed limit table where someone raises to the max every chance, and you called it? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever pre-flop raised on a fixed limit game with nothing at a full table hoping the other players will fold to your bluff? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever called every single hand regardless of how insanely bad your cards are? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever called a raise by a player that says, "I have to leave." when they could just sit out? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever actually made a cash deposit onto an online poker site? You might be ariggedneck.

Have you ever played a "race table?" You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever broken the time bank rules on PokerStars? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever played a hand against FreckledMom on Absolute? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever created another account to taunt another player? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever sat out before the first hand was dealt? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever denied Jarah's ultimate hotness? Definite riggedneck.

Have you ever accepted a play money transfer from another player? You might be a riggedneck.

Have you ever had Scientology auditing? You just might be a douchebag loser idiot.

Have you ever emailed an obviously competent player despite the obvious lack of random cards suggesting they play for real money even though it's illegal.

Total riggedneck.

Bye Bye Miss Asian Hottie Pie

A long, long time ago
I can remember how poker used to make me smile
And I thought if I had my chance
I could make those rigged cards dance
And maybe I'd be happy for awhile
But all the sites did make me shiver
With every bet that I'd deliver
I just came up empty
Bad news on the river
I just can't take these bad beats
There's just too many big cheats
I can't remember if I cried
When a member of my crack team died
Her spleen went bad deep down inside
The day that poker died

So bye-bye Asian Hottie Pie
I might have to give this up
Before I might cry
Them good ole admins made it hard for me to try
Singing this will be the day that I die
This will be the day the day that I cry

Oh my, did you just fail man?
Did Jarah run off with a vaccuum salesman?
If poker tells you so
Do you believe in random cards? Do other spots play like retards?
And can you teach me to time bank reaaaaalllllllllllll slow

Okay. Enough creative juices for now. The surviving member of my dog crack team needs some junk food. The lyric reference was to the mutt I had to put to sleep years ago. The vaccuum salesman and I have become drinking buddies. The Scientologists next door have been transported to Venus for re-implantation. Hopefully not being so fucking noisy will be one of the implants.

Yeah, right. And Jarah's not the hottest woman on the planet, internet poker isn't rigged and monkeys fly out my butt.

You Rule at Internet Poker! Play for Real Money!

Dear Xenu779,

Congratulations - you finished in 2nd place and your account has been credited with 52,500 play chips.

As a successful play money player, you might want to consider testing your poker skills in our real money tournaments. With buy-ins starting at $0.02 there are plenty of opportunities to experience the thrill of competition. You might even try and qualify for the Sunday Million - and the chance to beat the best poker players in the world for the biggest weekly prize in online poker.

Including a half day of vacation and company holiday for Memorial Day PokerStars got a zeppliload of attention from me. And it started with the ever friendly happens far too often message that they have a new version to install. The twist this time is that my password wasn't remembered. I searched my poker notebooks and couldn't find it. Screw it. Email me a new password. I'm not scared. I have 20% plus of my life validating me that I'm certain I'm right.

250k plus hands of poker by far outweighs your friendly messages you've been emailing me. I know I have talent. And there's no way my dog is ever going to break out his checkbook and sign me up for real money games. And this is not entirely due to the fact that he doesn't have a checkbook. (The bank shut his account down after racking up 4,789 dollars on fifithepoodle net.com. Although he did get a lovely t-shirt.)

That's pretty audacious. The "you won" emails, not the t-shirt. Probably the foremost critic on the legitimacy of internet poker on the planet, and you're suggesting I lose real money at it on top of the dwindling 401k and the flock of velociraptors camping out in my back yard. (The dog hates raptors.)

I'll make you a deal PokerStars. Gve me $100 of real money. I'll play the real money tables. And if it has any semblance of reality, I'll be the first to admit the dinosaur egg on my face.