OK fans, what's wrong with this table? Other than admin bullshit. Maybe, just maybe there is a tiny little rule break here. Which basically amounts to admin cheating.

You got it right, and even my dog is a little bit skeptical about this one.

Preface - Xenu gets 1 million chips. Xenu gets to sit at pretty much every damn near table he wants to. Xenu sees bullshit. Admins hate Xenu so much the cards become extremely non-random and Xenu loses 500k. Xenu buys into a high limit wierd, noone ever plays this crap "8 game tourney." Magically Xenu is back over a mllion chips.

So, we enter into tonight with a mill and it's just not reasonable. This sae sit and go had a second "player" fold out without the time bank. Natyrally, I lost.

When I bought into another sit and go I expected some more tough love. After a lot of taunting about my like of skill (million chips asshole) a "player" times out and the time bamk is activated.

Be cosistent in your rules. Eventually the internet poker community will climb out and declare what I have been saying for years.

Bullshit.

Fixed limit massive multi-player games on PokerFrauds

All right you primitve screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my RAISESTICK! It's PokerFrauds top of the line. Walnut stock, cobalt blue steel
etc...

Here are some fun things to do. Log into ANY fixed limit tourney on PokerFrauds and try and find a table that plays seriously. I ran two at once today and there wasn't a single hint of real competition. Raise, raise, raise, call because the rasing is maxed out. On a full table like this game with one card left, surely there must be someone other than me that has crappola (yes, it's a word) and has a hand worthy of folding. That is, if you are a real human being worried about being competitve and the amount of chips you have. Lucy was disgusted (look at the expression on her face.)

Being cautious, conservative and a real person I staid alive long enough to get bounced to two other tables in this tourney. The "players" played the same way. Raise, raise, raise, call because it's maxed out.

Here's a new gem for you. The two multi-player tourneys cost me 100 free money chips and there are lots of them running at all hours of the day. They are so popular with the AI that the get filled to the maximum number of entrants. Go to the registration screen. Occasionally an AI position gets hungry for a bowl of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and drops out. The player list drops from 6000 to 5999 and the "Register" button appears. You have 0.003498376 of a nanosecond to successfully register into the tourney. Which is actually a good thing because it's rigged to make you lose. Saves you some time and money.

If it wasn't for track and field, internet poker would be the worst fraud on the planet. As for track, come on....please....the fastest person on the planet just happens to have the last name "Bolt." Bullshit.

Sorry for the possible repetition (?)

So many great screenshots over the years. So little time. I've been diagnosed with boredivitis and my doctor who just got into Scientology against the recommendations of Jarah, Lucy, that damn squirrel stealing peanuts from my garden and several Village People impersonators all suggest the same thing.

It's time to move on.

But like a bunny rabbit stuck in the flaslight (apologies to deer in some light with higher power - I really don't need your lawyers bugging me, too) I get the "joy" of playing on a supposed interface for real humantical (yes, me and my crack team of using words that don't look real but will be in Websters by the end of the year (me and the dog) have identified this as a real word.

Actually, this post is sponsored by a 27 player Hold'e game on PokerFrauds where there was significant "human" interaction. Lots of taunting, not directed at me. Which was wise considering the statiscally crap cards I got.

The picture of the table was a meaningless 500 dollar buy in multi-player game that showed absolutely no signs of human life. Repeating again - Jarah and Lucy hate this. They would much rather Twitter, update MySpace and Facebook, eat a ton of Ben and Jerry's and call it a night. When they are amusing my whims and I join into a 1000+ player game and 50 hands have gone by an "nh" would burn off fifty calories.....but it doesn't happen.

Me and my humandrifical team of crack experts (me and the dog) again proclaim an empathicawizzle (Snoop Dog's suggestion)

BULLSHIT!

Populate the game with real people, or don't even offer it.

The Johnathin Incidernt

To protect the innocent, let's call this jackwipe by his screen name of Johnathin, even though everyone knows he ways 345 pound and can't leave the house without the use of a crane.

I've played on a ton of bogus free money poker tables, and this was right up there with the worst of them.

Johnafat raised pre-flop every hand, including gem hole cards like 4-5. Johhny boy, worth a call, not a raise.

Except you're not a real person.

I've folded to a lot of vacuums, and I have no problem folding here. All the elements are in place. No sign of real human life, no competivity (my dictionary is getting filled) - just raise, raise raise....and if that doesn't work, jerk off come back to the table and raise.

It's a dangerous combination. I made the final table on this 18 seat sit and go without winning a single hand. No aces. I finished 5th, just out of the money only winning two hands. The combination of crappy cards and constant raising is dangerous....for internet poker.

Because I will catch you doing something stupid.

Now, let's pretend Johnafat is a real person for thirteen and a half minutes. If you want to have some fun for your life, what do you do? Being tubby as he is, a gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream is a given. Here are some other suggestions for you and your uncompetiful all in friends:

Everyone pounds dow two forties of Malt Liquor and runs into the yard and picks up a rock. Biggest rock wins.

Everyone blows their nose. Biggest snotwad wins.

Everyone takes a laxative. Last to poop wins.

Everyone flips a coin. First time it doesn't match the others you win.

Everyone looks at pictures of Jarah. The last to recognize her hotness loses.

Everyone jumps. Highest jump wins.

Everyone makes a prank phone call. Longest call wins.

Everyone lies down for a nap. Longest nap wins.

Break matches (the wooden ones) and draw them. Long match wins.

Roll a die. First player to roll an umatched 6 wins.

Take off your shirt. The fastest naked person wins.

Type "hun" into a poker site. First to do it wins.

First one to find a pencil with a rubber eraser wins.

Get a deck of cards, everyone draws one. High card wins.

Etc....

Don't play to make me lose. Play to win.

Congrats PokerFrauds

Because Ful Shit...er Tilt poker decided to vault itself into the stragosofere (yep, still making up words) of bogusity.

Now, I'm just saying for an example, if you happenstance to mgarnerage enough chips to buy into a 10k game, assumptioully you might have a modicumness of skillage.

Me and my crack team of community cards experts (me and the dog) find it just a bit weirical and stastically improblful that four of a kind is turned up. It's one of those once in a lifetime if I had bought a lotto ticket I'd be a billionaire things.

But the cards on Full Shit....er....Tilt are so juiced that you can expectualize this.

I played in a two table game where I had a pair in something like 8 out of 15 hands. Granted they were all crapificul low pairs, but geez...it sure seems like Scientologists that there is some sort of quota to bad beatful real peoplage that might actually bounce into the game. I alsoed satted into a 90 "player" game on Full Shit...er....Tilt....and folded every single hand until I was 33rd out of 90. 10k buy in tournament. Thistly just screams out "I.m riggedful AI...I don't care about how many chips I have.)

See ya in 8 hours Full Sh.....er.,..aw, screw it.....Shit.

The probalificaty of humanitivity on internet poker

Normallnesswise, if you chiplant enough of your stackage you would thinkle that you mightfully bump intoed a game that actualizes a real game between humanandly like beings instead of obviousicle signs of adminish type riggingedly nonsense.

Sadfullishly, this is not the caseplot. There's always something missingded from the games and that is - prefixes instead of just suffixes.

It's been prefairly optiobvious that my games the past few normweeks have been stacked with quasiliberal amounts of multisteroid infused nonhumanish artificiacal intellegence. Not that I mind. Usualifically it garners some great screen shots. Methinkles that PokerFrauds has finally wisened up and altered the bogusity when I sit at the tableage.

And it only took you eight years.

I still havage over 1.1 million chips, I still see the same bullshittage, and me and my crackful team of neo-experts (me and the dog from hell) quasicontinuefully are wondrificeint as to why there has to be so much cheating when it would be so prosimply to just make the games have randomal cards. Because it's optiobvious they are notical.

(Silliness set aside for a moment as the remaining members of the Monty Python cast lawyers have just texted me and Jarah.)

Dudes...It's really pretty simple. If you're going to have thousands of tables with juiced AI playing on the free money games, if anyone with half a brain cell left can see it. I'm sure the BS doesn't get presented so obviously on the real money tables. But you allege (damn I wanted to make up a word for that one!) that everyone I play against is a real person.

Tonight's fun - 10k buy in 5 card draw lowball game, very first hand some doodlebugger (midway between made up and real word) makes a big pre-flop raise on the first hand, draws 3.....and


must....stop...from....making...up.....words....
Aw fuck it. Naturifically it pays off. I did use normal real humanish foldingness to eventualically take second. But, as is so preventful on this sorry ass site you must be extra patient, fold an incredible number of hands and wait for the call girls to show up and go to the Journey rejoined concert.

Now, here's what really ticks me off. Why in that photo doesn't Jarah have a stripper pole?

Rigged photo. She's obviously AI. More texts from Jarah's lawyers - gotta go. Love and megapeacefullvility.

Xenu

Humanativity

Webster's Dictionary of not real words that sound like they maybe could be real words defines humanativity as "The relative level of looking like a real human being when you in reality are not."

Me and my crack team of bogus dictionary experts (me and the dog) have wrestled with this concept for years. Face it, surely there cannot possibly be a woman as hot as Jarah. No way that perfect body and flawless face is for real.

So the dog suggested I try something new last night. After weeks/months of internet poker pain playing on "Medium" buy in tables I took my 537k stack to PokerFrauds, bought into a 2k buy in game and experienced all the pain of the past weeks/months. The usual behavior was there. Lots of raising, and lots of time wasting. This time wasting thing is probably purposefully annoying. I'm playing in an "odd" non Hold=em game, and I get to see the table being slower than molasses dropped into the La Brea Tarpits slow. In addition to "players" using a lot of time to think about their play, there are disconnects every single time.

Ummmm - disconnect -

You're still on dial-up? And 10-15% of the internet poker community is on dial up?

I doubt it. Time to tweak the program. (Yes, it's AI ad a program.)

Last night was a bit different for me. Motivated by several factors I bought into a table I ordinarily would not have. The factors:

1) Jerked around for ages watching "players" discard 4 cards on a 5 card draw game after making a big bet and having it work.

2) And these "players" are not playing seriosly (i.e. raising all the time) when they have bought into a game with far more than the 1000 chip freebie the site gives you.

(Gratuitous use of made up words coming up - bail if you can't handle it.)

3) Probalifically an ordinary human with 500k would not put 200k into a sit and go, yet I'm not an ordlianorl guy. Hencish, since I'm so willingfull to start over at 1000 chips just to prove my point, I go ahead and buy itno the high level table.

Remember what I said about the slow speed of the medium tables...it doesn't coinsynch with the instant reactions I met on this table. Actually, the poker play on this table is fairifically reasonable. But, maybe some taintedness on the side of feeding me. I eventually win first place and wonder what nefarioul schemes are ahead of me.

4) Yeah, I won. I prefer winngfullness to losocity when I play,

But it's still bullshit.

Oops, call from Jarah's lwayers.....gotta go.

Dog is munchingfully eating his bone.

nbh

Yes, critics, I know I've used this before but that is one happy girl. Probably because she pick and choose and have any companion for the night she wants. She doesn't have the pressure of being one of the foremost critics of internet poker and Scientology.

Needless to say the play on Poker Frauds recently has been utterly stupid. At times I gravitate to the site, ignore the dog....just want to play a couple of hands of cards....get drunk....go to bed....

And you keep proving that the goddamn FREE tables aren't for real.

First hand, some jackass goes all in with a straight on LOWBALL King high hand beats him including bigger stupid jackass calling with like KQ low. Obviously no serious play here.

Lately, I've tended to post my favorite 3 characters, "nbh". Nice Bullshit Hand. Because that's what it is - bullshit. When challenged on the meaning I respond that it means "Nice Bitching hand"

Fairly obvious that the admin in charge of the bogus table hates that.

And keeps rigging.

Congratulations asshole, you're on my radar screen. I will deal with you after I get out out of this work week, two killer naps a rugged hike in the Rockies, 7 posts poking fun at Tom Cruise, a bottle of Sake, Jarah's lawyers frequent calls, two midgets from Penn and Teller's show and a coup[le of gardeners planting annuals despite my lack of care for the lawn.

By the way...

Internet poker is BULLSHIT!

You deserve to lose

Nanner nanner boo boo, I actually took first in this. n all=in bingo fest on a 10k buy in table.

It's fairly obvious that there is no serious card play here. I'm at the table, I raise.

Bet it. bet it, don't you make me regret it.

Show them funky. I am so cool, when I win the hand the will all drool

Just bet it.

Before the edgame, which I was naturally short stacked on I had to put up with this constant "I'm at the table, so I think I'll raise" nonsense.

Can anyone please say AI? Can anyone please say incompetent AI? Can anyone say pre=prgrammed? For a couple of years now I've seen that Jarah is hot and I must play short stacked.

On a table where you haven't just bought into the game for the first time. Exactly, how did you get your 10k to be so annoying?

If you lose money because a Nigerian Prince promises you untold wealth and you send him the fees, you deserve to lose your money.

If you lose money because you replied to the faggotty looking Dean Grazioso an bought his book that is where he makes his money, you deserve to lose your money.

If the guys have ever bought "male enhancement pills" to make your dick bigger - newsflash jackwipes - you deserve to lose your money.

If you buy a product online and get a second one for the same price of $19.95, you deserve to lose your money.

If you are in touble and log into a lawyer's site....yep, you deserve to lose your money.

If Jarah comes on to you....no way she can be for real. Way too frigging hot. You deserve to lose your money.

Playing poker on internet sites for real money -

Crash and burn idiots.

A couple of reminders

First of all, when dealing with me, remember that I do have pretty much damn near chips to sit at any table I want to. So I wasn't scared to show up at an Eight Game tourney last night with 200k. There are higher limit tables, but they would take hours to fill and don't count. It would be a register, go to sleep for four hours and maybe come back to a game.

My half a million chip stack is not afraid to be bored with a multi-player low buy-in tourney. A lot of times, that's where the fun stuff really happens. Like people "playing" for hours with no real sign of acting human, like chatting. People "playing" by sitting out. Typically this table was "one of those."

With a new twist I haven't seen before. Ordinarily you are at the table between one and two hours before the first pee break shows up. This fiasco hit the first break at about 25 minutes.

Let's put this in the "weird" column for now. Not too obviously bogus. (Although the first player eliminated was in less than four hands. Obvious;y no serious human play there.)

PokerFrauds, congrats, you are back on my radar screen.

Time and the time bank

So, let e 'splain in case you can't figure it out from looking at the picture.

Jarah's bikin bottom says "PINK" and it is quite clearly orange. I doubt I've seen anything more ridiculous on the internet. Other than poker sites that can't follow their own rules. So, let's switch to the other pretty picture. I've given PokerStars about a month vacation away from me. SBX3 doesn't play, and the time bank is activated. After a couple of friendly zzzzz messages SBX does not wake up and get reconnected and gets a second "You have 15 seconds to play" message.

Just take my buy in and don't let me play and we ca all save a lot of time.