AI on internet Poker - the bot population explosion

Internet poker still has not figured out a good way to program the massive "bot" population into an effective fighting team. I do a great job at folding many hands and figuring out the personalities of the other "players" at the table. The problem lies in that the personalties are tied in to the oh so non-random cards.

I don't like the term bot since it insinuates an individual program logging into a table as opposed to the obvious assigned "personality" applied to a nig database that an occasional human bumps up against. I have now played seven consecutive single draw lowball games where the scenario played out virtually the same way for the first few hands.

There's always some idiot that does not recognize that it's a low game and someone other than the real human wins a big hand within the first two. The real human gets some crappy and marginal cards over the next few hands. Only two spots are paid out on this 7 player game. A second expert that wins a more honorable series of hands is established. Everyone else is short stacked versus the two spots that will be paid off.

During the course of the first few hands there's a spot that sits out. If the sane human player is still alive while the two leaders avoid going head to head versus each other and trade big bets feeding on the goobers the sitter magically wakes up as an additional active position to draw more cards and make life miserable for the real human.

Usually the player that won the first big windfall hand turns into a chump.

Finally, if the real human player has been patient enough to fold a million hands there is a usual second place payoff.

All this without a legitamit real, honest thought involved hand being played. When this happens on one table you grumble about the idiocy and flameout in the chat. Two in a row, you raise an eyebrow and say, "Wow, that's weird." Seven in a row and even if you're not me you say. Wow, the program is set on 'Mode d83' or whatever codename the admins have assigned for this until the next time there's an update.

Any success I've had these last nine years has been more from understanding the system than poker skill, although I know if I caught the riggers in areal brick and mortar I'd kick their sorry asses to kingdom come.

Me and my crack team of acronym renamers (me and the dog) offer some new names for "AI."

Automated Idiots
Aggressive Insurgents
Absolutely Irrelevant
Adorable Ignoramus

Math and statistics. What exactly are the odds that on seven lowball draw games there's someone who plays like it is for high on seven consecutive tables? My challenege to the poker pros of the world still stands. Instead of playing your real money game, take a break, grab a brew and observe the table that Xenu is playing. You're bound to find that it's completely unreasonable.

On a side note, me and my crack team of beautiful people experts (me and the dog and an Asian hottie that will go unnamed) offer our correction to People Magazine's hottest people of 2010 list.

1) Jarah Mariano
2) Jarah Mariano
3) Jarah Mariano
4) Lucy Lee
5) Jarah Mariano
6) Jarah Mariano
7) Jarah Mariano
8) Lucy Lee
9) That Asian girl that played Palmer's girlfriend in NCIS
10) Every Hot Asian girl I've ever met. Especially the one that smiled at me and said "Hi" at the Radisson a couple of years ago.

Random Cards on Internet Poker - or lack therof

As me and my crack team (me and the dog) have so often pointed out in recent history there is a disturbing amount of lack of serious play on the free money tables. Case in point, tonight's bogus table.

The first hand shows some jovial poking of fun at foraster in the chat. 6s over jacks full house on a lowball game. Obviously not paying attention to the helpful messages this guy goes all in with four sixes.

The real problem with this guys lack of humanity was on the full house. Even if you think it's a high game "it" just called with an obvious killer instead of raising. The bet to call was not indicative of a killer hand. Fortunately, this means I can relax. I know it's rigged to make me lose, I don't have to spend any real effort and take many side glances at the TV and pet my crack team member.

Later in the game, if we can call it that, being short stacked I went all in and had to draw one to make a decnt hand. The "player" to my immediate left made a raise and this was called by the other active position. My 8 low beat both their 9 lows. And I swept the pot. There should have been a side pot that one of those two won.

After some ups and downs the admin got bored at toying with me and beat me with a 7 low that he drew into versus my 8 low. Both fantastic killer hands for this game.

Let's throw in a sitter that, as always, magically came back and came on like gang busters for the first few hands after sitting out dozens.

The entire scenario smelted (real word) of pre-programmed first few hands and a bored admin enjoying the chance to toggle cheat mode, then getting bored and deciding to finsih me off since I wasn't a good little monkey and folding so many hands. If the point is to make me frustrated and quit it's not working. Every waking sober moment will be spent on PokerStars. My new target will have to wait.

Elizabeth with no last name

Alas poor Elizabeth. She's got no last name. She's got no numbers after her name.

She's got no humanity. Rumor has it that she car bombed an orphange in Brazil years ago and miraculously survived by hiding in the glove compartment. And she has been known to call for directory assistance on numbers she could easily look up on her own. And she takes more than 8 items into the express lane checkout.

Now, I have made a point of giving my special brand of love to all the major sites, and in over nine years I have also attacked some lesser sites and I have busted 11 of them. One of the universal "givens" is that when registering common names are not available. You can't take "Fireman" and it's reasonable to expect that some other fireman beat you to it, and you need to settle for Fireman762. And, if "Pustule" has been taken, what are the odds that a simple first name without any numbers after it hasn't been scoffed.

Me and my crack team of username experts (me and the dog) have done our calculation and figure it's somewhere between 0.00% and 0.00% (zero not included.)

Elizabeth would have been taken within the first few weeks of the site coming up and available. All these many years later Liz decides to show up at the same meaningless lowball game I am at and naturally is one of those idiots that feeds someone else's stack in order to make my life miserable.

Me and my crack team of last name experts (still me and the dog) offer some suggestions for Liz.

The dealers shoe was bogus, so call yourself Elizabeth Shoe.
The game was so ridiculous I wanted to vomit. Call yourself Elizabeth Hurley.
I was bewitched by her skillfully managing to be eliminated on the second hand - Elizabeth Montgomery.
Rumor has it she likes to tan. Elizabeth Bare It Browning.
Another unconfirmed rumor - she likes to make flags. This could lead to either Elizabeth "Betsy" Ross or Elizabeth Tailor.
Yet another rumor - she takes her clothes off all the time - Elizabeth Berkley.

And as a special bonus - a title instead of a last name. She only ever plays a hand where she has a queen. Kudos Queen Elizabeth.

The Capitol Steps review of internet poker

Coming soon to a theater near you, are at least a post here in the near future.

For those of you who do not know, The Capitol Steps are the Weird Al Yankovic of the political world. They combine song parodies with current events. For example their most recent album )and live performances) include such gems as John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" turned into "Subprime Mortgage Holders" and the hilarious recounting of the Iraqi that threw his shoes at George Bush to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo.

Pardon me boys, is that the chap that threw his two shoes?

Me and my crack team of parody evaluators (me and the dog) appreciate their hard work for over twenty years, despite the fact that they have not once mentioned Jarah or hot Asian women in general.

It's a given that every live show will include a non-musical piece that I first came to know as "Lirty Dies." The switch beginning consonants, and 'Dirty Lies' becomes 'Lirty Dies.' As time has marched on this piece gets filthier and filthier every year. The dog loves it. That Fellow Huckabee becomes....wellll, you figure it out.

Getting bored with the obvious unreasonable play and not having some fun here since my candy posts some months ago, finally getting the bathroom drains unclogged and the grass cut I intend to take on a project this weekend of making a Lirty Dies style post.

My lawyers assure me that the penalties I will invoke will be less than 7 digits.

In the meantime, I offer this:

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

P-P-P-P- Poker her face.

Wild mood swings -yet again

Have you ever played on a table where someone raise almost or every single hand? I do a lot. And I'm convinced it's because my reputation precedes me. Not surprising is that this works. The crazy raising moron consistently draws great cards. Like they have some prescient knowledge of the outcome.

Last night I identified the rulebreaker early on - didn't sit at the table right away. There were two other sitters. One literally played no hands (also a rule breaker not even sitting for the first hand.) The other popped in with 300 chips late into my massive folding session versus the cheater, folded one hand and sat out the rest. All three of these spots are not consistent with real human nature. 2k buy in game - if you are playing seriously why sit? If you're playing competively, why raise on virtually every hand? It's mindless and reeks of knowing you have toggled cheat mode and that you are going to win. Since it was a fixed limit game I was able to win enough hands to fold my way to second.

Just as disturbing is the 2-7 lowball table I sat at after the boredom of that crap. I got so many stastically great cards I folded some hands on purpose in disbelief on my way to taking first.

Now, since I fold so much it's not like I've played 8 hands and got eliminated and don't see the kinds of cards my erstwhile opponents get. I get dozens of reads on what the stats are like, and the math is way off base.

The cards are plain and simply not random. And tonight's two tables were not too bad, but I was definitely drawing the short end of the stick. As previously posted, when an active admin is not deliberately controlling the game, certain spots are seeded with far above average cards to give the illusion of competence. I can't tell if my lowball game last night was seeded with losers or an admin with a conscience.

Internet drugs

That's a strange title. But it goes a long way to explaining the lack of serious play on PokerStars and all internet poker sites. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a bogus internet poker table. Disser, as we will call him (it) made a big raise on the first hand and immeditaely discards 4 cards out of the 5. You must be extremely bored or high to even want to have registered for the game in the first place.

Psychologically, let's break down on what kind of mentality jumps through all the hoops of registering at the site of an allegedly competitive game, registering for a table and trying to succeed. Me and my crack team of psychoanlysts (me, the dog, Monk's doctor and three rebel spies that got caught trying to blow up the Death Star) have spent countless hours and consumed way too much Ben and Jerry's thinking about this.

The drugs are the answer. The nastiest of them out there is something called INTERFERON. It's an internet drug that interfers with logical real human thought patterns. Every time you log into the internet it will INTERFERE ON your normal thought processes. Kind of like Fracksoine (sp?) from one of the better episodes of Doctor Who back in the good ole Tom Baker days. You just give up on caring about everything. All that matters is logging in to internet poker and raising regardless of the outcome.

Jarah has commented frequently on my mainlining interfere on. It's probably the biggest thing that resulted in our break up and her getting my troll doll collection in the nasty palimony suit. Now that I'm in rehab I've been getting lots of doses of methadone and random cards, and it seems to be helping.

And naturally, I have four queeens before the draw on a low game. You couldn't give that to me on last night's 5 card draw high game.

The math is on my side. The real human being versus AI is on my side. Ben and Jerry's ice cream is on my side. Hot Asian chicks are on my side. The dog, dust mites, the dwindling number of pay phones are on my side. Pretty much everything except my paltry chip stack is on my side.

Gotta go - call on the pay phone.

Another rigged poker table part 4

This was the only chat posted in the 45 minutes or so played. I know from my chess playing days that a sandbagger is a strong player throwing the game to a weaker player. The rating goes down and you get to play against weaker competition. This doesn't make sense for a meaningless low buy in free money poker table. Play to win (with your rigged cards.)

Another rigged poker table part 3

But we aren't done yet. One of the jackwipes so hot and heavy to buy into thiis table sits out the whole game without playing a single hand. But they do have the time to sit at the table and get disconnected. Pot feeding whore.

Another rigged poker table part 2

With my propensity for folding the first couple of hands regardless of if they are good or not I'm now the chip leader. I avoid the obvious trap of raising on every hand unlike the AI, so I linger. djou812 was obviously drawing statiscally unreal cards and I'm drawing statiscally unreal crap cards. And the timing out slow play and bogus "Disconnected" player status translates into - "Please wait while we rig." In this day and age of techno advancement I really doubt that assholes with nothing better to do with their life play poker on dial up.

Another rigged poker table part 1

And why am I surprised. I've been more or less forced into this low buy in game because for a long time now PokerFrauds free money games have been stuck on "impossible mode." At one time on this sorry ass site I had 1,300,000 chips and now I'm stuck on playing baby tables trying to rebuild. But the chips don't matter as long as the freebie 1,000 is in place.

So here we go - the evolution of a bogus internet poker table on a meaningless low buy in game.

Warning Will Rogers! Danger Danger! Obvious rule break from the get go.

Operation I'm an Admin or whatever the fuck I called it identifies two "players" breaking the rules by being allowed to sit out before the first hand is dealt. I can't do it. Not that I would want to. The option to do it would be nice if I had company pop in and I needed a break. Bottom line - PokerFrauds is loaded with tons of positions, or maybe just evil admins, that can break the rules.