I warned them and yet....

We now having going on two major projects simultaneously. And here I warned PokerStars about both of them, yet they continue to flaunt their immunity.

The table of the night. (The only one - I'm wiped after a long weekend.) My what a surprise. A postion that is sitting out despite the fact that the basic rules prevent this. After much refection and a crapload of ice cream Jarah has renamed this "Operation I'm an Admin."

If you are paying attention there os an enormous amount of evidence out there beyond the play of the cards that certain positions have capabilities that are not available to others.

My favorite non-internet game is Sid Meier's Civilization. The temptation to toggle "cheat mode" is more addictive than Girl Scout Cookies. And that's what the admins do all the time. There are two real people, me that gets to control one position and a table full of AI that the admin can toggle cheat mode on. It's a huge home court advantage for the cheaters. And yet I still get my licks in by folding a lot. I can't lose a rigged hand if I'm happily folded. And I can drag it out for two hours and make you so bored. Deal with it.

The table of the night had two interesting features. Not surprisingly (again) the bogus sitter woke up and came out guns blazing and finished in the money even after the chip stack was whittled to virtual nothingness compared to the rest of the table. I saw that coming a mile away.

And Don had the audacity to post non-English chat. Sensing that this was for my benefit and I was being dared to talk about my bike being red I didn't give cheater Don the satisfaction. Even though today I armed myself with 15 different ways to say "My bike is red" in different languages other than English.

This weekend should be fun.

Folding

I might be concenrated on PokerFrauds now, but I will still log into the other bogus sites.

I don't care that I won. I care about the lack of serious play. So many second places and a first - by folding.

Fold, fold fold.

And just for gigggles let's fold another one.

Real poker is not meant to be like this.

My bike is so red

English

OK, let me get this right. There are "Moderators" that are worried about the integrity of the game and that "people" are posting chat other than English.

I've had the good fortune of collecting how to say "The luggage is in the corner" in thirteen different languages. I had Spanish in high school. Let's put this "moderator" to the test. Perfect for me because it's something outisde the actual card play that the rigged AI gets to raise constantly on.

Very much like my occasional "My bike is red" posts, in a two+ hour game against allegedly real people this deserves a reaction. The reaction should be this "moderator" telling me I need to speak in English. More so, it should be someone saying

What the fuck?

Operaition Not English is on.

Internet Poker Databases

What an epic fail at looking for real. And thank you very much for the ammunition. Me and my crack team of not sleeping enough (me and the dog that woke me up after only four hous of sleep, Jarah and two breaded veal patties just waiting to get consumed) latched on to this 290 "player" razz tourney. (I'll play anything.)

The most disturbing thing about this game was that with all the screenshots to prove the point I don't think there's space to post an Asian hottie.

In my reurn to PokerFrauds I've never seen a moderator post about non-English chat before today. And playing a gazillion tables a week there has been a lot of it. So, it;s time to test. Is this an automatic concern that a moderator keeps up on? Did a "player" at my first table post a complaint that made a moderator get involved? Or was it just the typical pre-programmed play against AI nonsense we have all grown to love?

If only the dog could have woken me up with something half decent on TV to watch. I think the little prick knew I needed to be here.

I'm only fluent in English. I had Spanish in high school and I've collected how to say "The luggage is in the corner" in 13 different languages. I can say "I am an airplane" in French. I know "I strip in the post office" in German. So let us put this so called moderator to the test.

After the first three hands which evoked the "I have my eye on you, let's kept in English friendly" message I began a series of innocuous crap chat. With non-English phrases.

Surving long enough to finish in the 60's out of 290 one might tend to think a real human would have asked the moderator to make me shut up. Two+ hours.

Just like "My bike is red" in two hours of game time versus allegedly real people this at least desrves a

WHAT THE FUCK?

Shut up about your god damn bike! Shut up about your Asian girlfriend! Basically, just shut up!

Rigged AI on a database doesn't have to worry about this. In a 290 player limit Razz game where a "player" raises on a pair of kings showing you know it's not something serious.

Operation "IDHTSATTBIAATBTR"

Me and my crack team of superhuman powers of observation assitants (me, the dog and the remaining dust mites after my massive cleaning session last weekend) have now identified how things have changed drastically since the Normandy style invasion of Operation First at the Table. We did not play against anyone named "Hitler", but since Scientology has proven you come back from past lives I'm sure Hitler was there.

Now, instead of clicking on an OK button to sit at your sit and go you are seated automatically. And while you wait for the game to start there are no menu options to sit out.

Operation "I Don't Have To Sit At The Table Because I'm An Admin And Allowed To Break The Rules" is officially on. The dog suggest calling this Operation "IDHTSATTBIAATBTR" for short. I countered with "Diane" because that evil bitch never returned my cds after I broke up with her. 228 alien brainwashed parasites, including 4 that claimed to be Hitler in past lives countered with "Eva." I guess someone else is missing some CDs.

The counter is now at 2. Two consecutive sit and goes where some doesn't have to sit and go. Or, maybe they were sitting on the porcelain throne and going so much that the Goddess of Poker (coincidentally also named Diane Eva Omahahilo( that she was granted a break from reality.

Until the garbalicious (you guessed it, real word!) nonsense is cleaned up every screen shot of the rule break will be posted here.

Talk About Overcompensating

After the spectacular success of Operation First at the Table. PokerStars now sits everyone automatically and immediatley. Almost.

This table had multiple mistakes. Dej didn't sit right away. There was a pause of a couple of seconds. Duce didn't sit at all. Ahhh yes, the beloved opponent that doesn't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. At least there was no Time Bank problems this game. (Next update I expect to see a fix, dammit!)

Mistake #2. 4 all ins on the first hand which allows a huge stack to be generally annoying all game long.

Mistake #3 - The friendly message from Dej. Let's assume I've never played against Dej before. This should be safe because dang, 200k people are playing at the same time. The "**** you xenu" message was the only chat posted all game long. Relative to my typical response to the bs I was a perfect gentleman tonight. Just trying to unwind after a rough weekend. I did use extra seconds on the first 8 hands or so, but I settled into just not worrying about being annoy. Because I knew mistake #4 was coming up.

Mistake #4 - the awakening of the Ducebag. I knew it was inevitable. Ducebag woke up with less than 500 chips and came on like gangbusters. Not surprisingly after this point my cards turned to total monkey pus and after a bit of a struggle to try and stay in the game I eventually just got blinded into kingdom come.

Combining some intel on these events it's likely my active weekend stepped on the toes of some admin Dej was in control of, and as happens sooooo often PokerStars sitting out is for an admin to save an active position to be annoying with.

Knowing you are not going to win is a very liberating experience. There's no pressure. The outcome has been predecided. And hopefully I will get the pleasure of butting heads with Dej/Ducebag admin many times in the near future.

Throwing the Game

This morning started with some much needed chores. At the top of the list was the neglected laundry. Laundromat opens at 7am. I can get the clothes washed and put in the dryers before the work starts at 8am. After grocery shopping I still had some time to kill. So, I indulge in one of my simple pleasures - the trivia video game.

When last I left off, I struggled to make second place with 13 million points, one question right away from the top 17 million points. Today I can go to sleep comfortably knowing I have the top score of just a little over the 17 million.

105 million. Every answer correct. It's never going to be topped until internet poker hackers get to the computer chip inside the machine. The problem is that of the dozens of questions there were only two that were even "trivia." The first was one - what is a group of owls called (like fish is a 'school'" I had the good fortune of knowing that it's a Parliment". Don't know why, don't care. When the trivia video game screws you over it's usually something bogus like, "What year was the Revolutionaty War over?" There's one obviously wrong choice and three reasonable ones on the multiple guess. Since this is an "all-in" to be successful" game it's usually that you lose all your chips and go back to watching the laundry spin. The second semi-tough question was - what year did the Hindenburg blow up?

I knew it was just prior to WWII And since there is a speed bonus when '1937' showed up for choice A I figured good enough. It was right. The other questions were lame shit like:

How many tentacles does an octopus have?
What American President was known as 'Honest Abe?'
How many spaces are there on a Tic-Tac-Toe grid?
What are the colors of the US Flag?
What type of shoe is most likely to have laces? A- slippers B- pumps C- sneakers. Yeah, I think I'll pick C.

A very hollow victory you quarter dropping whores.

To try and satisfy my competitive nature I've done something I've never done before. Please note the sarcasm. Internet Poker.

There's no doubt in my mind that AI was set on "impossible" mode recently and that I have to suffer on playing baby tables just to get a game of cards going. I'm better than this. Any justice in the world would have me with 10 million chips and bored out of my skull and paying attention to an Asian hottie girlfriend. Instead, here I am with less than 1000 chips playing on a meaningless 300k Hold'em game and this magicalifical (real word) philanthropist has decided to sit at the same table as me and wants to give away his treasure.

I took the gift, no because I needed the chips (I will start over at 1,000) only to see if he actually produced the goods. He (it) did. I'm more proud of the second place 700 chips that I competively earned.

I get the feeling that I bumped into an admin a PokerStars with a conscience that realizes that I've been screwed over and wanted to make it right. He (it) obviouly did not have to play by the rules. Now that the "OK" button to sit at the table is gone it was weird, strange and flukey (real word) that he (it) was the only player that was sitting out after the new auto-intasit (real word) post Operation First at the Table" days.

Actually, I've seen this before a couple of times. Somebody so unconcerned about the chip stack they just gift it away. This is a first. You log in to a 300 buy in game and just give it away? You have no friends to call up and get a table going to transfer it to them?

Admin.

Thanks for the chips. It doesn't change a thing. I'll use them to find some other stupid shit.

The reasonableness (or lack thereof) of Internet poker

OK, JokerStars (aka PokerFrauds) that's three consecutive tourneys that almost had me thinking I was playing against real people.

I have come to realize I prefer losing. This is because ordinarily the card play is so completely screwed up for multiple days at a time. Can't you give me a decent screenshot of some idiot playing a lowball draw game playing like it's high anymore? What happened to the good old days of Ultimate unleashing their elimination blackjack game before working out all the bugs when it was sooooo obvious it was rigged? Do you really hate me that much? Do you hate my dog that much? Do you hate Ben and Jerry's that much?

In its purest form Internet Poker free money tables are like playing Microsoft Hearts, which I know I have mentioned before. Uncompetitive and playing to make the real human lose. Despite this, it still can be a pleasant distraction from worrying about the terrible fate of the fucking Prius owner who pretended to have an acceleration problem, probably to score some insurance bucks. Damn, what are you doing now?

Reminder - three consecutive "reasonable" tables does not make up for a weekend full of bullshit, chipwise.

Corey Haim and Peter Graves

You would still be alive today if you just would have played a couple of hands of internet poker. It's so reasonable. So entertaining. Surely there is nothing on the planet other than Asian porn that can put a spring in your step and s whistle in your mouth.

Perhaps I'm being sarcastic. You decide.But me and my crack team of crazy raisan' expert invesitgators ( me and the dog and the baby abandoned at my door yesterday) just think thz this might be a wee bit rigged.

I played a ton of tables this weekend. Virtually all of them expressed the sense of douchebags that did not play with any concern for the chips. Think race table where you buy in for 20k and there are a constant succession of jackwipes that ffed the pot and some iduit gets 1.3 million.

Thanks for confusing me. PokerStars just treated me to the most reasonable sitter in ages and I took second. I probably had a shot at first but my play is geared on to the bullshit play of the weekend. In other words - AI plays to make me lose instead of worrying about the fact that you could not possibly have enough chips to even log in at the table.

Peter Graves is rolling over in his Graves.

It's not about winning

It's about the sorry ass loser pot feeding whores that infest internet poker.

I love them on the 1 in a thousand tables I play on. I hate them on the other 9.999.

Sometimes I would just like to relax and play a game of cards with some real humans. Random cards. Drink a beer. Play footsie with Jarah.

It doesn't happen.

Allegedly poker is a competive game that requires some skill and luck. Strangely it seems success requires a bull rush raise every chance you have that you are awake. Yeah, I'm talking to you bigmike. One of first and bestest (real word!) tricks. The 'player' that just doesn't sleep.

But I digress, (sorry blondes because you are not Asian Hotties and I just saw Slayton - fucking hilarious.)

Winners in any game require losers. It's a fact. My Colts lost the Super Bowl to the Saints. I've played Monoply against my brother and sisters. Playing to win even with the bogus Free Parking extra $500.

Splain this - why are there so many pot feeding whores that play so atupid?

Some things never change

Yesterday I played a rare for me 2 table Hold'em tournament on PokerStars. Very strange. As expected it lasted more than an hour and a half. What was not expected is that the poker Gods graciously granted me first place.

Ohmigod. I said Poker Gods. That's funny. No, I'm not boasting about skill. I'm boasting about the hilariously, stastically unreasonable, ridiculous cards I was getting and catching. And it wasn't until the very end when the first sit out happened. This is far from normal for a PokerStars game.

Granted these hole cards were spread out over more than an hour and a half. But, any young buck in Vegas would be drooling over two pokcet aces, three pocket kings, two pocket queens, one pocket jacks, two pocket tens, and throw in another couple low pairs. As big blind with kT and no raising I caught a fullhouse on the flop. So worried about the bad beat I was sure would be coming up I folded a lot of killers that I would have caught on the river.

As every bit as unreasonably good my cards were last night, they were amazingly crappy tonight. Two lowball 5 draw games. Constantly getting starter hands like QQJT8 and such.

The second game tonight was the infamous 7-2 triple draw lowball. I gave it a shot to see if they've cleaned up the "vlueless moron playing for high" problem since they cleaned up the "can't sit first at the table" problem.

Some things never change. Juanwipe (the hispanic version of jackwipe for my purposes) was verrrryyyy interested in the first hand with his two pair. Several hands later, still not recognizing his lack of success with the high hand, nor recognizing the table stats in the upper corner and having incompetently registered into a low game he's excited about his A2 full house.

I'm willing to give some concession since this was only a 2k buy-in. Yet, when the freebie is 1k and you've built yourself up to 2k to buy-in to this table one would have to assume you have a couple of brain cells.

Or else your so high on crack and Ben and Jerry's that you wouldn't be able to operate your mouse. Also amusing is the fact that despite the first significant chat in ages none of my erstwhile opponents noticed or commented on this behavior. Me and my crack team of behaviorilists (me and the dog) think that maybe this table might have been rigged.

Pay Attention

There's no point in showing the screenshot of the game of the week. It doesn't prove anything. But get this - always thinking about not being predictable I sat at 45 player gime instead of just a one table sit and go. Things didn't go well early, and I checked the tourney screen to see where I was placed. 24th out of 30. Ouch. Bored and thinking I'm just going to screwed over I go all in with pocket Ks after a ton of other players are betting heavy and I win the hand. Magically, I have the chip lead. I know this because I checked the tourney screen and I'm first out of 30.

What the fuck??

At least two players were eliminated by my all in. I don't remember, it could have been more. And still there are 30 players in the tourney?

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Operation First at the Table has ended with spectacular glorifical (it's a word!) success. The moron programmers that work for PokerFrauds probably have read this blog and now there's no longer a button to click to sit at the table.

At times I have thought my success has been that I'm training internet poker about what they are doing wrong. This is definetiley one of those times. So simple. Outside the playing of the cards.

Okay, you took away Operation First at the Table. You changed the program for little old me. I'm smarter than you. I will constantly find more things to show it's rigged AI instead of real people.

Poker Site Commercials/Emails

I usually see them on ESPN. Not a lot of other channels I visit carry them. They consistently show the bigger names in poker, when they could probably get a lot more traffic by showing Asian Hotties. Come to this site! Play long enough we will teach you how to hold your own against the pros! You can play illegal real money games and be successful.

Sometimes I wonder if these pro sponsers evr have a moment of guilt knowing what they are sponsoring. Much like Tom Cruise has finally learned to keep his stupid yap shut about Scientology since he's basically nuked his career, are there any out there thatunderstand the fraud and don't want to be any part of it any more?

And why do PokerStars and Full Tilt still keep sending me emails? I haven;t disguised my screen name on the screen shots. If not the foremost critic on the planet, I'm certainly up near the top.

The answer is that just like Scientology they have the supreme arrogance to simply not care. It's like John Edwards the so called psychic. Quiz the audience member about the passed on loved one. Mention "flower" and then "roses". When the target responds that the passed on loved one didn't garden, then you mention "flour" and find out the passed on loved one was a baker. This is psychologically known as the "throw enough shit against the wall, eventually some will stick."

There are a lot of sane and rational people out there that understand what I do about internet poker. But there are still some people with fresh shit on the walls that are thinking about it. Maybe you lost your job and you have been played for a sucker and had initial success during what I call the Free Trial Period, and you think it's time to put your remaining bank account funds into poker. Or maybe you're just stupid.

Operation First at the Table Update

Not surprisingly, this has been a massive success. We are now up to 44 consecutive sit and go games where I was not the first to sit at the table while actively trying to be the first. The play on PokerStars has also degenerated into this weird little "how annoying can I be by taking all the time I can" boring game. (Translation - they changed the program.)

Me and my crack team of slow players (me, the dog, my pet turtle and 2 girl scouts trying to sell me cookies) find it quite curious that not only is there this gigantic rush to be the first at the table, but the rush is so myou have the privilege of first timing out. Talk about inconsistent.

Another huge crime agaisnt nature is that the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition did not have Jarah. The rumor from asianmodelbuzzkill.com is that she has indulged in too much Ben and Jerry's and she's signing up for orca Scientologist Kirstie Allie's soon to be released weight loss program. Silly. All she needs to do is pay $10,000 for auditing to remove the brainwashed alien parasite that makes her eat too much ice cream and the problem is solved.