It just do notted matter

PokerFrauds has generously created a couple of new sit and go games. My dog hates them because this means I'll be playing on the damn box he hates instead of paying attention to him. Jarah hates it because her fiance Ben and her are launching a new ice cream company, "Ben and Jarah's" and they want me to invest in it.

I can't do it. I've lost way too much money on free table games where I've been playing against real people instead of agressive AI. After a big cry, a long talk, lots of ice cream and and a swivel chair experiment that will remain private except for my Twitter friends Jarah is cool and resting comfortably.

Now, for the poker. Splain something to me PokerFrauds. You generously created some new sit and go games. Razz and triple draw.

I've forgotten more about playing for the low hand than you will ever learn. (He says to the database, not an interface.) If you are allegedly a real person logging in and regging for Razz you might expect that you understand that low hand wins. But no, some dumbass with a hand that cannot possibly win is in on the action, feeding the pot and making first place finish all that much more difficult.

Any sane not compensated by this site poker pro would laugh about the quality of play and lack of real humanification.

PokerStars - worst poke site on the net.

Follow Up- the bell curve

No, I'm not talking about the animated curves of the Disney heroine, although for a non-Asian animated character she is awfully hot. And the actress that ndoes the voice - it's the voice of an Angel.

Curiously, surprisingly and...oh who am I kidding. PokerStars continues to have more players at the high money tables than the medium tables. If there are hundreds of thousands of people playing on the site it would e natural to expect that talent and chip stack size is distributed based on a bell curve. The low level tables are amply populated by clueless newbs that just raise constantly. Somewhere on the upward slope of the chip stack size there should be a pack of players that doesn't want to put up with that and escapes to the medium tables where one would think that the quality of play is more reasonable.

And yet they bypass this level and go right to the top. Buying in at 200k tables.

It's ridiculous.And since I built myself up to over 200k this weekend I partained of some of these high level games. Trust me, the quality of play is not any better here. And there are stillno hotAsian chicks playing.So, I must settle for mediocre Asian AI.

Active Players - padding

Biggest online tourney, blah blah blah. 250k "people" on the site, blah, blah, blah. Math not working. Bingo.

And not the all in race table bingo. I caught you again on something that doesn't make any sense.

Areal base of players supporting your tables would have lower level tables populated by real peeps. Strangely, there are more "peeps" at the high end games than the medium games.

Firstish (real word) if you have any talent you're not going to waste you're time on free money tables. Secondically (real word) if you play competively you just might acquire enough chips to sit at something other than the baby tables. Thirdfulitudinous (ok- that one's not a real word) NO HOT ASIANS!

It's a database, not an interface. You're not supposed to get strong enough to even sit at the high all AI tables where they pad their 200k buyin games that you don't get to sit at. And they proudly announce that they have thousands of real players online.

Said it before and I'll say it again. I don't care about the chips except that they are a necessary evil. Keep doing stupid shit I can bust on - I love it.

Poker and Scientology BS

Picture this scenario. Just short of 250,000 "players" on PokerStars tonight. And the number has been in the hundreds of thousands for months now despite internet poker on the decline.

But, they have this jackass (me) investigating things like naming yourself, raising on hands that don't make sense considering the game your playing, and thinking of new ways to point out the "lack of human" problems.

I tend to single table sit and go games. I play for the last position payed off with anything above that being a happy bonus.When you reg for a sit and go and the game is about to start you are met with a friendly message that you need to click 'OK' to sit at the table. Here I am, playing hundreds of them the past few months, and I'm never the first "person" that sits at the table. Go ahead and try it. Statiscally, on a nine player table you should be the first, if you're paying attention, one in nine times. But since the AI is directly connected to the server it just ain't a happening thing.

Every once in a blue moon I'd like to play a game, even if I lose, against some talented humans instead of farrging (real word) AI.And remeber (reral word) if they cheat on the free money tables there's no reason not to cheat on the real money tables.

Why yes, actually you are right. It is BS.And me and my crack team of lawyers (me, the dog, and Scientology's Moxon) have experienced it for years.

Internet poker continues to struggle with lagging real human donations and like Scientology continues to attempt to hook the active community with an occasional bone and save the meat for themselves. Just like the way Scientology has graciously sentgood will ambassadors to Haiti PokerFrauds Haitian relief fund is still up. Talk about a crime agaisnt nature. I might consider UNICEF or the Red Cross before I break out my checkbook here where the cards are still far from random.

Time for an update

I have now finished first or second on 12 sit and go games on PokerStars. I am not that good (assuming some modicum of talent and random cards.) But alas, but a hot Asian lass, the cards are not random.

Of course, after you do the update I will figure out the pattern and figure out what I can do about it.

Hmmm...weekend coming up- I have enough to buy in to a 100k game. Do I have the audacity to put my money where my mouth is? Or do I just keep at the medium tables for maximum fun.(Fun being presented with a constant stream of idiot players that have somehow managed to garner enough chips to not play at the beginner tables.)

Not surprisingly my incredible run involved a ton of heavy raising. Also no surprise is that the current pattern is to have several idiot Goobers feeding Raisanettes. If this happened once or twice in the 12 recent sits I could believe it, but this constant establishing someone as the expert because they got a killer hand when someone or sometwo (it's a word!) have a decent hand so I have to play short stacked is statiscally unreal.

Me and my crack team of deciding exactly which tables to pop up at (me, the dog, Jarah, Vanessa and my inhabitants of the Sea Monkey Aquarium I just bought) have a lot to think about before Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

And here I am fresh out of Ben and Jerry's to comfort me. Damn.

Wild mood swings

The internet poker community just gets weirder and weirder as time rolls on. Let's pretend for a bit that these are real people. And boy howdy do you have to pretend.

A couple of months ago I had over a million free money chips. PokerFrauds went into cheat mood and decided that if I would get frustrated at starting over with the freebie 1k I might leave them alone.

It doesn't work that way. It just brings you up on my radar screen and makes me want to screw with you even more, collect some damaging screen shots to post here while folding like crazy.

Actually, I prefer the bogus "you can't win here" tables for this reason. So on Friday night just days ago as I settled my just shy of 2k balance into a game I naturally played for second place in the hopes of having enough chipsters to get into a medium buy in 2k game. Since that worked I played that 2k buy in table.Eventually as events unfolded (God I'd love an unfold option in poker) I got to 10k. Not concerned about starting over at 1k I plunked the chipsters into a 10k game.

I'm now on a streak of finishing in the money on an incredible number of tournaments, which includes only the top two positions being paid out.

And in the past four days the automatic raising on complete bullshit has degenerated (sadly) into something resembling real poker. Me and my crack team of WTF experts (me, the dog, Jarah and Vanessa from the forgettable "Disaster Movie" and two Cub Scouts I lured into...teaching me rope tying trick)s think that it's strange that hundreds of thousand of "people" all of a sudden take a chill pill and stop raising like complete morons for four days.

And my rise from less than two thousand to over 100k has a helluva lot less to do with poker skill than understanding the system, folding like crazy the first 20 hands and surviving.

Vanessa does have a lingerie scene in Disaster. Totally fucking hot.

Internet Poker teams up with Scientology

Logging in tonight I got a friendly message about how PokerStars wants me to contribute to a Haitian relief fund.

Don't get me wrong. That earthquake sucked. But I really have a hard time believing that any money I donate through an illegal gambling site is going to reach the intended victims. This is something Scamintology is famous for. Send a team of sadly but clueless flunkies to a disaster under the guise of trying to help when they are more interested in recruiting people under duress and emotionally vulnerable.

Don't waste your money donating through PokerStars or Scientology. If you want to help send the donation to me, Jarah or any reputable organization like the RedCross.

Internet Poker Survival Guide Revisted (again)

A couple of months ago the guy that sells me booze asked me about what I do when confronted with the constant and annoying raising. I haven't talked about my internet poker survival guide for awhile so let's do it here.

When you sit at a table, you're first expectation must be that you are bound to lose. It's a lot less stressful that way. Don't play for first place. Play to survive and accept the bottom payout. It sucks, but if that's the best you can get it's better than the inevitable bad beat that will destroy you. Patience. And it annoys the riggers to no end.

My current project is trying to understand exactly what the stars next to the avatars are all about on PokerStars free money games. There are different configurations. On the free money games you only meet up with one star. These positions have a tendency to get statistically great cards and not bet against each other. My guess is that these are the presented experts that us wogs must admit that we are outmatched by the supposed skill and not the fact that the server kisses their AI asshole.

I've taken a break from playing occasionally and watched replays of the big boy real money (illegal) games and have seen as many as four stars next to the avatar. Thanks for the warning. Whenever I see those stars my Spidey sense starts tingling, Jarah becomes completely interested in a mutual bubble bath and it's time to fold on the bogus raise.

Speedball My Ass

Well this has happened a bazillion and three times. I sit at a massive multiplayer game and there is someone with 10k chips before my first hand is finished. This table was the worst ever with FIVE positions timing out all the time.After collecting 13k with about 400 "players" left and seeing the top stack had 24k I figured screw it. Let them complain about me sitting out.

Me, the dog, Jarah and the Asian hottie here have spent countless hours on the sitting out phenomena on PokerFrauds.

Admins.

Tonight the site listed 270,000 people playing. In the good old days it was less than 100k. But, desxpite internet poker being on the decline in popularity I'm supposed to believe that there are so many people that need a free money poker fix that they populate the database with their carefully considered names like "speedball" that is one of the slowest and most time aconsuming crotchicles (yes, a real word) that ever existed.

Mathematically, there is no way my first table has four other positions concerned in playing a meaningless 500 buy in game, no Asian Hotties and Ben and Jerry's running low.

Me and the dog are about to do something a bit more productive than playing agaisnt bogus AI. The newest episode of Demons ison in two minutes.Smell ya later.

Friendly message

Dear PokerStars:

Thank you for your concern. The online community acknowledges this horrible problem of sitting out against your rigged AI, waiting for the cards to turn random. Despite REAL problems in the world like the proliferation of nuclear weapons in Tierra Del Fuego, the Antarctic "Balloon Boy" scandal (very bad frostbite) and the lack of toilet paper in the men's room where I work, millions of people have complained that "players" sit out on your site.

This is the third time they've recycled the friendly message acknowledging their alleged concern about sitters since my return in 2008. Exact same message. And get this, if you click on the 'read more' link you get a 'page can't be displayed' error. Inquiring minds want to know! Me and my crack team of sitting out investigators (me and the dog) want to read again how you intend to do nothing.

Which is fine be me since I read it before. And the PokerStars community doesn't complain about the real issues.

#1 on my list is how you can't swing a dead cat in an Internet poker free money fixed limit game without half the table every single time it's your turn. #2 is how I NEVER sit at a table where someone has an avatar of a hot Asian chick. I mean, come on, what are the odds against that?? #3 is why in a massively populated game (including the complained about sitters) are there 15 players that have at least doubled up every single time before my first hand is finished, usually with some dingleberry timing out.

If you play the free money tables sitting out makes all kinds of sense. I just backed my way into a second place watching idiots calling an obvious Raisanette tonight. Over the long haul playing dozens of hands into a position that is obviously getting ludicrously great cards. I prefer to fold a lot which is essentially sitting out, and at times this to has been challenged. WTF? Is there some kind of Employee of the Month competition where the winner gets 10 million free money chips, a date with Jarah and a new snowmobile? I realize that snowmobile would help a lot tracking the Antarctic balloon, but maybe you live in Nigeria and it's really not going to do you a lot of good.

Keep raising. Keep sitting out. Keep not chatting. I've been doing this for more than nine years. I will find the most unreasonable tables. I will get the screenshots. And you will continue to prove that a lobby of 70,000 "players" is 68,500 bots, 500 admins and 1,000 people trying to enjoy a game of poker.

My bike is red

Actually, I don't have a bike. Hard to believe, but true.

In addition to folding like crazy another weapon of mine is the chat. Since 90% of the games I sit at are populated by AI sometimes I like to test the prove you're a real human thing and do something outside the cards.

It's not Facebook or Twitter. It's not MySpace. It's not any socializing site on the net. Yet you have decided to settle yourself into a poker room.

Poker ettiquitte dictates that you at least acknwoledge a hand you're beaten on with an "nh." And there'sthe obligatory "ty"after it.

I have, can and will play hours without the single most hint of human contact, This is where we go into My Bike is Red mode.

It starts off with a post about my bike being red. It degenerates into details about the bike- streamers, cards in the spokes etc....

It should elicit a response from real people (just like my Pustule name on City Poker that was only acknowledged once in months.)

A real person on a site where allegedly thousands of players are sitting (that I've never played with before) at when confronted with "My bike is red" and just keep up the business of raising without the smallest WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

Rigged AI don't complain.

Unreal

Not understanding the game. This is from PokerStars infamous 8 game. A game so bizarre that no real human with talent would ever sit at it. The blinds are so high the neighbor with the telescope can see that you are vacuuming naked while your Asian girlfriend eats Ben and Jerry's and occasionally flagellates you with the whip that she bought at Pornocon 2007. (Which she assures me was a bust despite the autographed photo of Ron Jeremy.)

It starts out with triple draw lowball. Single draw lowball requires a T or J low (depending on the # of opponents) before you can begin to seriously think you have the best hand. Triple draw, you better have an 8 or less before you start betting. Obfustulated (yes, it's a word) by the fact that the loser on the right lost with a A2345 straight on the first hand calls the second with crap thinking maybe this guy is sitting on crappier crap.

In the meantime, the Spanish speaking dooglebooger (not a word yet, but me an my crack team of Webster's suggesters - me and the dog are campaigning for it) whines with the only chat during the whole sit and go that he doesn't understand the rules and that's why he is playing so bad. I know enough Spanish to figure that out, even though I am far from fluent. That same hand he had something like A-J-9-7-4 that wasn't a flush, which fucking sucks whether you're playing high or low.

It has been said a million and a half times before, but it bears repeatishness (yep, real word.) If you're interested enough to waste you're time playing poker and you start off with their free 1000 chips you might have some small tiny amount of skill. And you might want to play at a table (Hold'em) where you understand the rules.

And if you don't understand the rules and you want a vacation and sit at a Badugi or other weird table for a break....why not just ask someone?

It NEVER happens. AI never asks for help. I certainly won't be the one to tell you. Maybe that's why you give me such fugly cards.

From the realm of math- the it in the lower left hand corner won at least the first five hands. Real poker can be amazingly boring at times. Stats say you shouldn't get good enough cards to call on for 5 hands in a row much less win them.

I've been recalling a few months ago where where you could log in to the weird tables and see the innocuous player names constantly registering and unregistering. "David102." "Josh 97." "Lee17." Ad nauseum. These were some of the AI positions created for the statsically unreal Guiness Record tournament just shy of 150,000 'players.'

If you're a real human and sat in on a 5,000 player game and you're doing well it takes like 5 hours before the final result is in. A 150,000 player tourney won't take 30 times as long to finish as this, but the time commitment and patience would still be far beyond that of the most dedicated WoW Mountain Dew sucking beast.At least in WoW you don't have to worry about random cards.

You have to be kidding. You clicked on registering for a 25k buy in table and you thought it was just Hold'em?

Now, if you are a two year old that isn't paying attention to what's going on you would be:

1) Sleeping

2) Twitteing

3) Not having enough chips to be at this table

4) Not having enough chips to be at this table

5) Not having enough chips to be at this table

A server with an infinite chip stack that can bet every hand instead of playing real poker is magical thing. I'm gonna buy me one of those as soon as Jarah finishes her ice cream.

New Year Resolutions

I can slip into any major poker site and find a completely bullshit table any time I want to. The easiest is the bogus race tables. Go to Omaha hi-lo, look for the largest waiting list, watch how someone (some it) has 1,600,000 on a 40k buy in table. It raises and raises, and it shouldn't work. But since the cards aren't random and their are so many feeders that don't have to go through the registration process and amass enough chips to sit in they justkeep on calling into the Raisanette's winner.

God I hate this game.

Actually, I love this game but if it was populated by real people Jarah and I would kick ass and tons of Ben and Jerry's would be consumed.