No sense Part 2

Jarah and I were surfing the net while having a quiet discussion over some more things in life that don't make sense.

The three most heated topics were (in order of importance):

1) Why do they call them speed bumps if they are meant to slow you down? They should be called "slow down bumps" or at least "anti-speed bumps." She won that one by pointing out how lazy people are and that there's a lot of economy of vocalization and lack of typing by small-sizing it.

2) Why is it that on Cash Cab there are entrants that know that they're on Cash Cab on the first discussion with Ben and they still fall for his cheap trick of pretending they have the wrong answer when they are right? He does it almost every night. I won that one because she can only get about one in six answers right and I usually at least tie the contestants.

3) Who is the better surfer? I'm an expert poker surfer looking for the worst tables out there. And you are....

Well just sitting on a surfboard for your SI shoot. Granted you get some hottie points for looking so taut and lean, but for crying out loud, you're just siting on the board. That's not real surfing.

And there continues to be more bullfrap in the internet poker wold that really just doesn't make sense.

On the first hand of this game deanie timed out. As soon as he was done being a jackass he immediatly sat in again. OK, time to check out if he's multi-tasking and had some excuse for timing out. (Which still doesn't explain the immediate resit.) Nope. Just being a jackass. Just being a speed bump. Not surprisingly he was the one that bad beated me into oblivion and was the chip leader when I exited the table. My 98 low versus his 97 low after the as expected unusually crappy cards and draws.

Dudes, at this point the card play is way secondary to the "is it a real human?" play. I still have over 300,000 chips. I can sit on these sit and goes for weeks and not have to rebuy at the 1k freebiee (which I will do if I need to if the point needs to be made.) I've played more than 50 hours of poker since last Friday and I haven't finished in the money at all. And this after getting up to 410,000 thousand - I think I prove that I have some skill and you're just screwing me over to make me leave. Apparently I've been declared a suppressive person. It's a Scientology critic thing.

Random cards? No. Jarah naked on my sofa? No. The dog undersatnding that his treat tasted like Porterhouse Steak instead of sugar? No.

Penn and Teller are right. Life is BULLSHIT!

(Great, phone call from Penn Jillette's lawyer. If the Natalie Portman lawsuit doesn't land me in jail this is still out there.)

Things in life that just don't make sense

And I'm not just talking about the obvious stuff like the irrational run up in the stock market despite the US being in the worst economic conditions since the Depression. Or that a babe like Jarah would ever have the remotest chance of having feelings for a reformed ax-murderer like me. (It was an aerosol paint can, before the rumors spread too wildly. Neat little explosion that got me in trouble with Mom and Dad when I was a kid.)

It's the weird and stupid stuff that bothers me. Like, why is it 70 degrees and my neighbor revs his engine for 10 minutes before taking off at 6:00 am? You don't need to warm up the car. First ride ever and you love it? Probably. Why do my TBONZ dog snacks proudly proclaim that they are Porterhouse flavor? He's a freaking dog. He just knows they taste good. He doesn't care if they are chicken, porterhouse, bacon or Natalie Portman flavor. And why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?? (Acknowledgements to Stephen Wright.)

Last weekend was one of my most intense play a ridculous number of hours of poker ever since I had a half day vacation on Friday and Memorial Day to add to the "fun". In the short term, I don't mind or expect losing several tourneys in a row. Over such a long time when it became obvious that my cards were FAR below average I switched to, "Okay Let's be annoying" mode.

"Let's be annoying" mode is designed to elicit a response from real humans. Every irrational pre-flop bet is met with using the maximum amount of time before folding. Very unprofessional. Very bad etiquette. Tastes like Natalie Portman instead of porterhouse steak. Or vice versa depending on if you are a dog or a human.

(Please wait a minute, Portman's lawyers are calling me.)




OK, going to jail agian, this may be my legacy.

I find it very weird that in all my timing out over something like 40 hours of time at the tables on PokerStars that only one "player" posted the traditonal "zzzzzzzzz' complaint. And I'm not sure that was even directed at me!

And this is weird, too. I don't just play PokerStars. I'm all over the place. Please explain this internet poker:

On Full Tilt with 70,000 plus players going at it, when your hand is up for the action and you have the choice between calling, raising or folding the action is always a call or raise. With tens of thousands of players on PokerStars there is TONS of folding before you've ever been bet out of the hand. Me and my crack team of folding experts (me and the portmanhouse eating dog) can't figure it out.

Jarah suggest -
Maybe, just maybe. The AI programs on the two different sites are different.

No way babe. These are real people.

Now, get this. I' not saying this table was rigged. It was a helluva lot of fun since I finished second.

Oh, who am I kidding. It was torture. Draw lowball and some ass wipe gets an 8 or less in three out of the first four hands?

Before you bring your rigged AI to the next table I'm at, read a book on statistics. Then just bad beat me with a pat 7-6-5-4-2 when I have an 8.

OOOHMYGOD! A race table! I've never seen that before! Actually, the phrase 'race table' hasn't come up lately. So, let us rename them. Bogus Table.

And I can find one every single day. In fact, I do. It amuses me because I understand something about math.

Al you have to do on any site is go to Omaha Hi-Lo, find the biggest waiting list and sit back and watch these "experts" play. Please note the way Jarah is curled up and watching these experts play. Freshly showered after a romp in the park with her dog Brutus (a toy poodle) she wanted to watch me lose at poker. Happy to oblige you HUN. It's easy to lose at internet poker. All you have to do is log in!

I have far too many chips to be interested in low level games. Which strangely makes me more interested in them. That's why I play an occasional $100 buy in multi table game. And being proficient in all forms of poker, the fact that it was 7 stud instead of Hold'em didn't bother me a bit. Naturally, with a top prize of 8,700 free money chips the game was loose. I must admit that when the game dragged on into the second hour that I was getting a bit bored. Then I remembered what I'm all about.

Why would a real person with any kind of skill subject themself to all the dumb ass raising for so low a payoff? What if you aren't a real person? No pee breaks, no dog walks, no comforting Jarah after the call from her Aunt where she had to bury her hamster. Infinite chip stack that doesn't actually have to work to gain chips, it's always there so you can be annoying on a race table.

And, if you play a game with a real prize, like a satellite to another tourney - why is it that you never can win the first hand a cruise to victory? Why is it that some douche sits out and there are 200 players eliminated before the first hand on my table is complete?

It's called AI y some of us. Feeders and vacuums and a healthy dose of non-random cards.

Jarah, I lost again.

Naming yourself

Oh, who am and I kidding

Let's reflect back months ago when I discovered that Pustule and many synonyms where taken up on several sites, including Full Tilt. I'm into this curious phase again instead of worrying about the card play and winning or losing.

Several sites have every combination of two and three characters already taken. It's only natural. You can't think of a real and meaningful name, you just pick your initials. But, the site is SOOOOO cool and 70,000 people play a night that naturally you're initials have already beeen taken. And if you happen to be a banker, naturally "banker" is already taken.

I just played against 'TC' Now, I don't want to suggest "TC" is incompetent, but he did go all in on the first hand and lost and the chip trade did help make my life miserable for the rest of the game.

Oh, who am I kidding. Despite the first significant chat in 6 sits (weird) the "I'm all in on the first hand" mentality and playing subsequent tables when I checked you out just makes you look like an AI position plying carefree with disregard for the chipstack because as far as you are concerned it's infinite.

I don't want to suggest that Jarah is pissed, but she.....doesn't play internet poker, I have no contact wit her, her lawyers are probably drawing plans on how to shut this blog down, she's hot, my dog is looking pretty sleepy,and I watched a lot of CBS crime shows the past few days.

Ultimate - before my sleepy time - you couldn't even populate one blackjack sit and go. With real humans or rigged AI.

Goodnight.

And yet more curious

It's not like I can hide it. The map shows it. I live in Eastern time USA. And over the past few years especially I've come to understand that the sites are generally prepared for me from 7-10 pm EST. And you know my favorite games.

Second consecutive night on Full Tilt, I play an 18 player two table game without even an inkling of real human life. After losing badly, and playing for me shamefully bad poker by calling too many hands, giving the dog his bones for the night I tried a second. Heck, it was still early in the night.

After about 45 minutes EvilOffice breaks the Chuck Norris Code of Silence and starts posting some really weird shit.

"He server..."
"?"
"???"
"wtf"
"wtfff"

Also strange and weird was that in two consecutive sits my pocket kings met up with pocket aces. But this time I magically caught a k and a boat. Still, the part of me that wants things to look stastically real, even though I won first , I cried out...."Bullshit."

I called Chuck amd after a brief conversation about midget pony threesomes he admitted that he had nothing to do with these tables. He was busy playing Risk with Jarah. (Jarah did the tried and true expansion strat from Australia. Chuck took over Europe, but naturally couldn't hold it.)

Risk, like poker is a game with some randomness. I expect to see some in the future. Three sits where you don't have a prayer to win, then one with careful play and far better than average cards.

Curious

I find it strange that I can sit in on two 18 player sits on Full Tilt and be at the tables for more than an hour and a half and there's not a single character of chat posted. Also curious on the second one is that after massively bad cards I finally catch pocket kings. And wow, what a surprise, I lose to Pocket aces.

Now, we all know internet poker isn't rigged, so surely I'm the unluckiest person on the planet. As more proof of my lack of luck, I had a brief shot of marital bliss with Jarah, but she won't return my text messages. Granted they do mention some crude thigs like ponies and threesomes with midgets, but it doesn't explain the fairly obvious lack of random cards and lack of real humans playing.

Sorry about the ponies Jarah. The midgets.....live with it.

sreeser & company

I finished in the money and you didn't. Nanny nanny boo boo.

There are amultitude of problems with sreeser on Jokerstars. He whined about the "rookie play" and finished in the middle of the pack. But what's really curious is the tourney that he happenned to pick.

After getting screwed over on countless sit and go games I won something like 200k on an obviously fradulent race table. A normal person with 400k free money chips would never have bothered with the tourney I played in today,

Sreeser, can I call you Sam to save some typing?

OK, thanks Sam.

This tourney was the famous 8 game. Triple draw 7-2 low to start. Please explain to me how there are ten players with more than 3,000 chips before the first hand on my table is completed. Please explain why you are even playing this table if you are such a cool and competent player. It took more than two hours before anyone finished in the money.

Sam, let me tell ya sumpin. You're just part of the rigged internet poker community. I toughed it out for pride to finish 38th when I would rather have watched cable gladiator movies and abuse the neighbor's cat.

Think about it. $200 free money buy in (plus the bogus processing fee) and you're going to spend more than two hours of your life trying to win at best 30k free money?

If it looks like bullshit, and it smells like bullsit, and well....you know.

What a crime

Jarah didn't make it into Maxim's Hot 100.

Wow

I hardly won a hand, much less a sit and go. Wow. My what a surprise.

I could be wtaching gladiator movies on cable, but no here I am losing free money chips on PokerFrauds.

Now, let us examine my critic's claim about playing free money tables for 2 months and getting 2 and half million chips. You're certainly not talented since as can be seen from this table that it only takes one night to reach 1.5 million.

This wild chatty table doesn't count. It's a frigging ghyost town out there as far as looking like real human interaction.

The math is on my side. The gladiators are on my side. Penn and Teller are on my side. Put up some random cards or just shut the site down.

Finally a new critic, it's been more than a year

http://bai-ma-wangzi.blogspot.com/2007/11/random-poker-thoughts.html

Glad I won your monthly award. Do I get a T-shirt or coffee mug? Maybe some nude photos of Jarah?

If you read deep there are a lot of strange and important issues. Most recently I've been sitting on non-hold'em games waiting for the table to be nearly full. Sitting and watching the registering I find it strange and unrealistic that a real human would take time out of their busy life to register for a one table game and then unregister in less than 5 seconds. And it happens constantly. And if this isn't AI with a screwed up registering algorithim I'll eat my hat and Jarah's panties.

Strangely, not playing the popular Hold'em tables I get to play for hours without any real sign of human interaction. Raise, raise, raise a bit some more, Real poker requires that maybe just once in awhile you have to give up the ghost and fold a hand pre-flop/draw.

And maybe, just maybe if you were a real human not playing on the popular games you still might manage to take a moment to chat with your alleged real human opponents.
It don't happened (real word...look it up.)

Make your minds up for youselves. I have hard evidence screenshots ( which I'm sure they'll claim was Photoshoped) and the math certainly on my side. Come on, 4million chips on a 40k buy in table. Like Penn and Telller say -

BULLSHIT!

Martians invade PokerStars!

Me and my crack team of astronomers (me and the dog) got wind of this several months ago because of my relationship with Dr. Martin Boscowitz (not his real name to protect him. Nobody needs to know he's really Dr. Bosco Martinwitz.) Marty, as he likes to be called since nobody needs to know his real nickname is Bosco and I met at the 2005 Tel Aviv conference on the reasonableness of internet poker.

After several months of accepted invitations to look through his high powered telescope I've been helping him out with light house chores, gardening, walking his Great Dane "Bitsy" and the occasional spit and polish of the scope lens.

Over some lemon water and certainly not Malt Liquor Marty splained to me about the riggedisity and raisinghesness of online poker. And yes, we know. That sentence is loaded with words that ARE real words, but just don't look like them.

Marty and I have discovered that Martians have invaded PokerStars 5 card draw lowball game. The feelers have been put out and the saucers are on the way. Messages have been intercepted, and me and my crack team of linguists (me and the dog) have been able to translate them.

"Vghfresd ogah brofroitt sobnya" - This species is weak.

"Lub -Jarah is wogga wogga smkng duj!" - But Jarah is hot!

"Klaatu, Borada, Nikto" - "But if we just send our advance agents in and raise every hand we will soften them up, they will lose a ton of free money chips, get arrested for petty crimes, organize meaningless social clubs based on wine and cheese tasting, ruin their economies and calling informationfor numbers they can easily look up themselves."

These advance agents explain a lot about why 5 draw low on PokerStars is so unreasonable. And I think they know I know Marty. One of tonight's "fun" tournaments was met with someone that raised almost every single hand. Screw you. Still took second. Send that to your glorious leader.

Even more fun was the prior night's games. And screw you again Martian overlords. I took first place in both despite being desperately short stacked in both at points.

The problem with Martian agents is that they bet aggressive early on. They still haven't learned English yet, so the 5 characters of chat spread out over two hours doesn't really mean diddly.

So I said, "Marty, dude, buddy, blood-brother after the embarrassing sweathouse experience thing and confident, wouldn't they try just a little bit to make it look a little more real before the saucers landed and Tom Cruise saves us from the ray guns?'

Nope. Gotta play catch up. Thje Venusians have already taken contol of Omaha Hi-Lo. That's an internet all-in fest.

And Earth is stuck in the middle.

Nice knowing ya'll. Me and my crack team of watching a few last gladiator movies on cable before I get eradicated by alien weapons experts (me and the dog) are going to try for one last modicum of real human happines on UB BJ.

You just never know when the end is here.

Marty wants to see one more pic of Jarah,

Swine Flu cripples internet poker!

7 years ago it was AIDS. But now, me and my crack team of Center for Disease Control experts (me and that cute little kitten from next door that hasn't been spotted in ages, the two rats in my basement feeding on the old newspapers, two strippers, a homeless guy that simply will not go away, a Cub Scout troop, an ex-Senator with a DUI and possible drug problem, Diablo from the Blizzard game, a preganant teenager at the mall, the rusty Chevy in my neighbor's front lawn, my 102 year old grandmother and psychotic sword wielding Scientolgist all had the same question.

Why is that I can play 16 hours of internet poker and see 14 characters of total chat?

Why can I log into something different other than my favorite lowball and be there for an hour and see zero hours of total chat.

It's because the swine flu has already decimated the human population and it's a gost town. Artificial intelligence, when last reported, is not subject to swine flu. Two years ago there was an outbreak of AI flu, but the pandemic was put under control and things got back to a nicely "my gerbil is OK, let me raise on internet poker mode."

The gerbil died of AIDS. Sorry guys.

As much as I would like to Screw with PokerStars on a constant basis there are some real life issues to deal with. That Cub Scout troop has been real aggressive selling their cookies. And at least two of them have a cold. Thank God it's not the swine flu.

Real life issues do not exist on internet poker. It's raise, raise, raise and just for a little good measure, let's raise a bit more. I have an infinitie stack, and by golly I'm going to use them.

And don't even begin to think I'm going to talk about the Yak drinking out of the public pool. I don't know where the hell that even came from.

Love and kisses Jarah.

So sad I just might cry

Mowed the backyard. Check

Cleaned up that nasty shit the dog left on the floor. Check

Watched Army of Darkness for the ten millionth time. Check

Settke into a reasonable game of online poker. Ch....

Fuck!

I played a lot of tables this weekend. I don't care that I lost 30k free money chips. What exactly do I care for?

Maybe some real huan contact would be fun. So much to do and so little time. There are gladiator movies on TV and Jarah pics on the net and me and my crack team of pucking up nasty shit on the floor (me and the dog) can't find anything better to do with each other than log into a nasty game on PokerFrauds.

PokerFrauds is the biggest site out there, so I have to give them some respect. Obviously if 70 thosuand people are playing it must be cool.

Yeah. The same way that Tom Cruise makes Scientology cool.

16 hours of poker. Characters of chat posted other than me whining about the rigging (ready for this? 16 hours of play?)

14

You nust be joking. Granted it's not Facejoke but one would tend to think that if you weren't rigged AI that you might have a little compassion.

Poker pros - please log in to ther free money games and try to prove me wrong.

Jarah and the Somalian Pirates

Jarah and I watched the South Park episode about Somalian Pirates this morning. Timely and funny. These guys are geniuses. She wanted to know why msg would possibly call an all in bet with a straight on lowball.

I had to splain to her, "Honey(not Hun) that this is internet poker, not real poker. A different set of rules apply."

I continued, "The stuffed goose and the melons and the swivel chair aren't important right now. Please let me be while I focus on my game."

After two hours of pouting and when I woke up from my nap Jarah was still in a tizzy about this. I made the mistake of calling her Jarhead. Ouch, sleeping on the couch next week.

I tried to make it up to her by playing blackjack on UB. After two successful tourneys I called Expedia and plunked down my winnings on a fun trip to Somalia. "Tell me mom to bring a tissue cause I'm going to Mogadeshu(sp?)

Somalian pirates HATE internet poker. There all about real things gained like crew member watches and ransom and stupid shit like that. What? No free money poker chips? Dudes, all you need is a computer and you can extract all kinds of money from the clueless US citizens.

Well, that's the sort of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from internet poker. You sit there on there loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinkers cuss. You excrement. You whining hypocritcal toadies with you Tony Jackman golf clubs....

Play to win. Don't play to make me lose. Betcha can't do it.

Focus

I have a lot of luxuries in my life. No mortgage. No wife. The dog sleeps all the time since he's almost 14 years old. So I can and will continue to spend a significant amount of my time focusing on PokerFrauds 7-2 draw lowball game. I did just come off a first place finish. No signs of real life in the building. Not a single character of chat posted It's far from my normal log-in time so there's no surprise there.

Being focused on this single game I've experienced a lot of diehard players that keep popping up (True Yobbo and Shelby) and even weirder, players that have obviously no clue how to play the game. And the list of the clueless players just keeps growing and growing and growing.

Fresh off of a quick surf in shark infested waters, tired of Hold'em and wanting to live life to the fullest these real people (cough cough) show up on PokerFrauds for a fun game of lowball draw and

behave like two year olds.

That is, if artificail intelligence can behave like any real human. And now I've seen it all. As a real human folding to artificial intelligence faster than a child rips open his Christmas presents I can safely say that there is something strange going on here. And in the real human not AI world the strangeness has a name called

Bullshit.

Me and my crack team of sleeping like a baby experts (me and the dog) noticed that on one hand someone slow played a 7 low killer hand. When everyone checked into him. You could have at least tried a minimum bet, but you checked. And eventually you were the second to last player on the table after I kicked your sorry AI ass. Maybe, just maybe if you had raised on your killer I'd only have taken second.

Time for a Jarah post (warning this will get Monty Python Silly.)