Happy Birthday/Anniversary

As a reminder, I've said this many times before, so far there hasn't been a decent rebuttal posted about my comments. I hate being repetitive, but as the card play tonight was the usual humdrum non-random crapola I will have to hate being repetitive.

If you Google "Internet Poker is Rigged" you do get one top hit from this pro -

http://www.onlinepoker.net/poker-news/general-poker-news/online-poker-rigged-wsop-winner/6801

Other than this the top hits are loads of bullshit defending the sites on how it's simply a matter of the low quality of cardplay by the angry, frustrated, drunken and repetitive poster. Since I hate being repetitive I will not use the word repetitive or any variant such as 'repeat' again. It's to easy. And as homage to my ex-girlfriend Rhea Pete it would be rude to repeat such repetition. Especially since I've repeatedly down it so many repetitive times.

Jumping back to the first paragraph - I don't want to just think that what separates the Big Laydown from the other poker blogs, both pro and con, is that instead of the card play my focus has shifted to the lack of humanity. Basically, when sitting at a nine player S&G you can expect that at best you're playing against 7 pieces of AI and one admin in control of the table. Since the admins get to toglle cheat mode and are bored out of their skull a real human is a pleasant distraction. And in general since they have limited actual card skill, they do stupid shit like break the time bank rules, post naughty words in chat that don't get ****'ed out.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, you are to the South of me and pretty much on a weekly basis at the minimum I get the joy of playing against someone with home court advantage that can- and does- break the simple rules.

The explanation for this can't simply be that they want to read here what they did wrong (although it does give them the chance to make changes and cheat better.) It can't simply be fear of computer viruses by visiting dangerous websites mpicking up pictures of Asian hotties.

My personal opinion is that the daily coursem of the job has just become too repetive, and repeating the repition has repeatedly repeated the mundane repition and while trying to suck the last money out of real players before repeating Full Tilt's demise they repeatedly try and fail to struggle to make it look for real.

I can't repeat this mistake of giving real cash to poker sites. I never have and can't play for real money. I rpeat, it's not like I would. I've seen WAY too much repition of the annoying bad beats, non-random cards, infinite loops(explanation on this comment - another repitition reference) and avatrs of a tapir )which is close to a backward spelling of repeat I can think of on short notice.

Personally I thought I would have at least 20 million play chips on the big three sites by now, I would be hugely bored and move on to other topics that piss me off like the GOP nomination race and attention whore Kim Kardashian's wedding, but here I am still interested in busting on poker.

So this begs the question -

How much did Kim K. pay you to keep her off my radar? She's not Asian, so it must have been a lot.

Wild Mood Swings

One minor eyebrow raised to report and one both eyebrows raised. On the two table screenshots - we have someone from Brazil that has named himself after the Chupacabra. More or less the Mexican Bigfoot, but smaller and with sharper teeth. Brazil is mostly a Portugese speaking nation. Just a little weird.

Now, Snutty biy was the real curiousity. He complained about the chap to his immediate left constantly preflop raising and called him an idiot. Forgetting that beforen this final table he did the same freaking thing himself.

Translation - AI plays until it gets boiled down to the final table. Admins who didn't know the personality of the AI (if AI can truly have a personality) takes over.

And this game had more bad beats than a videotape of Rodney King.

And the biggest surprise - somehow I managed a second place.

Lack of Competition in a Competitive Game

The gang went out for lunch today at the Framers Market which has the smoking hot non-Asian vitamin selling girl that has captured my fancy. Personally, I think vitamins are way overrated. They only serve to keep you alive longer to get cheated at Internet poker.

The conversation switched to "Elyk Nosobh" and his competitive nature. (His real name is Kyle Hobson, but to protect him I have changed it here. No one but me will EVER know.)

Elyk, not his real name, related on how he was so competitive that while running to keep in shape he times himself trying to beat his best record.

Supposedly, from what I was last told when my Uncle took me for $4.23 of my hard earned newspaper route money that Internet poker is a competitive game. It's a level playing field with your brain and a little bit of luck versus a table (or two) against some other brains.

The zombie apocalypse has not eaten my brain yet, although the shotgun shells are running dangerously low. And Bruce Campbell hasn't returned a single phone call this week.

So I said to myself, "Self, clean the bathroom and reflect on all those things about Internet poker that show a lack of competition." After lunch I offered up to Kyle...er...this guy I know...the "I have to go" not sitting out because they really aren't serious about leaving. My zombie munched brain remembered one of the real raisans. (That should have been reasons, but zombies-brain tissue damage-I'm sure you understand.)

Now, with my brain at less than 30% capacity I still managed to dredge up something I vaguely remember from before. Zombies are slow. They don't race. OMFG! The race table!

I can duplicate this every day without losing a single rigged hand. Sure there's way too many chips on this table. The real key is that there's a huge waiting list of players so anxious to lose to the players alrerady seated.

Omaha Hi Lo is weird enough that your average poker junkie playing on free money games isn't going to have enough chips for the 40k buy in or want to put up with the all in bingo bullshit. So the AI just keeps get to chugging along despite the two year old chat. Which they probably cater to so that they don't get bored going all in every hand and get to pretend they have some skill. Court them and they might actually break open the checkbook.

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One thing I can confidently say other than that Scientology sucks - there is no competitive spirit. The play is dictated by those admins and AI that have the comfort zone of knowing they can't or don't care if they lose because of an infinite rigged chipstack.

The Hazard of Too Many Posts

It's buried in here somwhere, but I can't find it. So I'll just relay the events as I remember them and the point.

My very first target was PokerStars. After being relatively unsuccesful at the poker while I built up my playing strength I coincidentally found a lot of tricks in regards to the lack of humanity. One of those was playing on the unpopular games, and to this day I pretty much hate Hold'em because of that.

Whilst (actually really is a real but antiquated word) looking for a table during PokerStars push for the 15th billion hand I found that those unpopulat tables were a breeding ground for new player registrations. Dave342 would reg, then unreg, then reg again. Bill628 would reg, then unreg and then reg again. And just for good measure and surprised at his luck for making it through registration Bill might do it two or more times. And whilst at the same table Dan463 shows up and does the same thing. And Kyle413, Janet76, Fred917, etc...

Well, I finally got the answer to this weirdness after putting 2+2 together and getting the correct mathematical result of a pair of twos suck in Hold'em and should immediately be folded(on Internet Poker, not necessarily in real life brick and mortar random card poker.)

Now, powder this in a mixing bowl, add a quart of water, a tablespoon of salt and mix it with the rind of the ever so friendly message about player sitting out are hurting their own chances.

This recipe yields thousands of players sitting out where the hand that they are dealt still counts towards being one of the current 69+ billion. Throw in a couple of vacuums in case a real and talented human accidentally makes the mistake of popping in and you can run these tables 24/7. Throw in an Admin like the guy a couple of nights ago who can post the word "ass" in chat when it should automatically be blocked to "***" and the non-regular player will never know that he's just playing a poorly programmed Xbox game.

Cute trick. Enjoy your Guinness records that are more hollow than a Taco Bell burrito versus the claims of how much meat it has.

Racial Profiling In Internet Poker

There are several classes of Internet Poker players that get an undeserved bad reputation. The obvious one is the Asian Hotties. After 14 years+ of play me and my crack team of Asian hottie experts (me and the guys responsible for the "Pacific Rim Job" series) just don't understand it.

Next we have zombies. Sure, you had a great week with Halloween. But when you can't feast on human flesh and follow the zombie rules do you really have to be try and break down my door at two in the morning? And exactly how did you know I only had three shotgun shells left? Try and fucking explain THAT PokerStars!

The last class is the Internet poker zombies that had a massive brain meal and just keep chugging along and doing none human stupidity like, oh, well not going all in when the chip stack you are left with is existentially fucked. Do you really think that stack can get you back in the game?

My friends at AMC who produce "The Walking Dead" disagree with me. And after a $35.73 bribe they promise me there will be an Asian hottie zombie this season.