Online Poker Sacrificial lambs

Ypu can't swing a dead cat at an internet poker table without bumping your ass via some douche bag raising on nothing. A computer program with an infinitical (real word) supply of chips has no reason to worry.

Me and my crack team of just wanting to play a relxing game every once in a while (me and the dog) have a couple of questions.

Firstiful (real word) why the fuck isn't the new episode of Doctor Who available on Comcastt?


Secondliddity (real word) where the fuck is my Mountain Dew? I needsist it. (Needsist a real word.) Becasueful I'm just trying to test my mettle on an allegedly competifical game on the internet.

There are a few things I could do with my life other than this. I could help out at the library. I could take mom to the mall. I could read a newspaper, do the crossword filling it in wrong, update my page on Facebook, kick my llama or wait!!!!!!

Let me log into internet poker and rasie! Even if I'm playing a lowball game, God Fucking Dammit, I'm going to raise! And if that doen't work, I'll raise the next hand!

My hate/love relationship with PokerFruads continues. Hate it because of all the bad beats. Love it for proving me right. Any poker pro associated with this site should just play one unreasonable free money table amd walk away. And join one of the other bazillion sites.

The 2010 awards are out. Worst poker sites on the net -

1 - PokerStars
2 - Full Tilt
3 - Absolutle
4 -All the others

BTW, I just took first in a game.

I have to Leave

My normal PokerFrauds table is devoid of any chat. AI don;t chat. When there's acrapload of chat I know I'm screwed. An active admin is rigging. People that don't have to follow the rules.

dumass made the claim his time was limited. As a gesture of defiance since my cards were statiscally crap, I gave the douche a generous dose of slowing it down and taking max time before every action. As things degenerated even more (fucking give me a pair once in 40 hands) the douche was still playing an hour later.

This included a promise that I'll be gone after one more hand and I really have to leave.

Does anyone fall for that bullshit anymore? I have to leave equates to an excuse to raise while looking innocent. I've seen it 374,246 times and the asshole has actually left 4 times.

Internet poker is all about excuses for raising. Jarah is all about excuses for being so perfect.

Treated like stupid part 2

As a fan of the weird card games that don't start with "C" and end with "anasta" I tried my luck at 7 crad lowball triple draw. Now, to PokerFrauds credit it was not the usual fixed limit raise every chance you get nonsense. This definitely has to be put in the "suspicious" category. Over an hour long, and I should have finished second, but I was again greeted by the ever popular playing to make me lose basura. Any decent hands I got were twenty plus deep into the table. Every time I looked like I was in danger of taking second the chip leader fed the short stack. Way too many three of a kinds and crappy starter hands.

Let's examine the suspicious nature of one of the early hands. Someone has taken the time out of their busy life to register for a fixed limit lowball game. This same person has drawn on the first of three draws and starts raising into the eventual chip leader. After the first draw both players stand pat and raise to the max. And the loser is oh so proud of his Ace high flush. So uncompetitive. So stupid. So created to make the life of a real human person miserable.

How many Jarah's does it take to spot a rigged table? None. Goddesses don't play rigged internet poker. I trust they must They leave it to me to lust and bust and dust the rust from the crust of my....crap....ran out of words ending in "ust."

Internet Poker Treats me Like I'm Stupid

And surprisingly, unlike the troll living in my basement, the two garden gnomes that sneak in and mend my shoes at night, the Gypsies in the park a block away and the rabid squirrel in my non-existent attic, I'm not.

Voyaging on this thing we call life, I've come to understand some things that define myself as a human being. Try self-confidence. It's very liberating compared to worrying about what others think about you.

There is no rational way that I could have gone from about 12k chips to 135k at my max in just one weekend. Except for the simple fact that the cards are not random. Make hay while the sun shines, like my grandmother always used to say even though she didn't live on a farm,

Far too often when I finish out mof the money it's a direct result of other positions playing to make me lose instead of playing to win. Even with infinitie patience this is a difficult obstacle.

On the plus side for me, I'm so absolutely fucking annoying that I get a lot of pretty little screenshots on BS that just does not make any mathematical aense at all. The rampant bad beats of five years ago are gone; they've gotten a little bit smarter. But, if you are paying attention there's lots of other crap out there. As has been posted here.

I recently got in touch with an old friend, (See post from a few days ago.) We came to the same conclusion. Jarah is rigged. There's no way any woman can be so smoking hot. In order to bring her down a peg we've started collecting Jarah jokes.

Did you hear that Jarah is a waitress on the restaurant on the Moon? The food is great, but the place has no atmosphere.

How many Jarah's does it take to change a light bulb? None, Goddesse's don't change light bulbs.

What cheer did Jarah create when her sister was blown up? Warning: This one is REALLY bad.

Jarah-Rah Sis Boom Bah.

What term does Jarah use for mercy killing children in Korea? Youth in Asia euthanasia.

The Pope, Jarah, and a Scientologist are in a rowboat. The rowboat develops a leak and they have to swim to shore. The Pope says, "See..my faith will keep me alive." The Scientologist says, "My faith will keep me alive." Jarah says, "What the fuck is Scientology and why haven't you been playing Internet Poker?"

The subtle cheats of internet poker

My impression is, that at least versus me, the cat is out of the bag and sitting at a table where real people have an instant of rational thought is just not present. Playing as much as I do it's weird that so many tables have not the slightest bit of chat. It's not Facebook, but there are some ground rules.

If you get your ass kicked and you are a real human being you post an "nh" even if too lazy to post "Nice hand, Bill." Normally I have cards not worth calling on, much less raising on. After a bad beat and a full house on the first five cards I was rasing. Caught a fourth ace which I didn't need and on a surpisingly chatty table. Nothing.

OK let me guess, Everyone at the table except me are friends and I'm an unwelcome interruption., You flipped the hamburger and returned to the table too late to ackwoledge my kiler hand.

Don't get me wrong. I don;t need praise. I need someone else other than me to stand up and say BULLSHIT. Heck, I don't even need that.

Me and my crack team of Xenu praisers (me, the dog and Jarah fortified with a tub of Ben and Jerry's) don't care. If we did care we wouldn'y have gone from 1.3 million chips down to restarting and back up to the 40k I'm at not.

The game is policed by AI on a databse. Real human contact isn't possible. Jarah hates it. The dog hates it.

I love it.

The PokerStars IT staff

This is getting seriously repetitive. Almost every single sit and go game is met with a player that doesn't sit at the table after the registration is complete. And as a reminder, just a few months ago to complete the process of sitting at a sit and go actually siiting and going you had to click an "OK" button. Then the crack IT staff of PokerStars (they and their dogs) changed it to where you automatically sit without the "OK."

There are a couple of things that automation should help with in internet poker. Seating a big multi-player tourney. Following the rules on sitting at a table on a sit and go. No blowing cigarette smoke into the modem and implementing the time bank rules correctly come to mind.

So let's investigate the options on why Cuervo doesn't have to sit at the table while everyone else is watching the clock wind down.

1) Cuervo is so drunk on cuervo he has been blowing cigarette smoke into the modem. A clear violation of PokerStars policy.

2) Cuervol lives in a shack in Guatemala and is operating his PokerStars account on a Commodore 64 with a 300 baud modem.

3) Cuervo is AI and doesn't have to follow the rules.

5) Cuervo is part of the crack PokerStars IT staff and knows that the sitting rules aren't working right and is researching how to fix it.

Now if I was a gambler, which despite more than 200,00 mostly bogus internet hands would suggest, my money is on number three. Especially since the eventual number one was one of those players that scored a killer hand before or after the draw something like 40% of the time. A completely uncompetitive table where idiots not recognizing the rigged nature kept calling into the vaccuum's bets. Naturally I out waited them all and took second.

I was disappointed on my brief visit to the 2+2 message boreds (sic on purpose)today. The vote on whether internet poker is rigged was about 2 to 1 in favor of it not being rigged. You guys obviously haven't been playing the ever so obviously bogus free money tables on every single major internet poker site.

Asshole Neighbors

Slightly off topic, but bear with me.One of my theories me and my crack team (me and the dog) have about the dastardly nature of internet poker is that when not playing against rigged AI you are up against Generation X douchebags that never have to worry about dealing with real life. Mommy and Daddy will take care of you. They wanted your life to better, they coddled you and you can pretty much fucking do whatever you want. About the only thing you've done for the planet is Anonymous kicking the crap out of Scientology. Appreciate that since after internet poker I find Scientology to be the most reprehensible thing on the planet.

I have some twenty something buttwipes that "live" next to me. Their sole existence seems to be about getting away with how much noise they can make without me calling the police. My crack team member is dying of cancer and he's awfully fucking smart. And sensitive. He thinks I'm mad at him. Not fair. There are several topics I'm very passionate about, and the dog is one of them.

Back in the 80's a college dormmate introduced me to heavy metal music. Let's call him Hero, because I have the utmost respect for him. Hero is the third smartest man I've ever met after my friend from high school, Gary, and my brother in law. Hero incited my interest in heavy metal music. To this day I still play a lot of the 70's and 80's greats. Fave groups, Triumph, JP, Scorpions. Hero lived in Japan for awhile, married a hot Asian chick, bounced around the country and experienced the same neighbor bullsit I'm complaining about here. His ten year old blog post follows.

Noisy Neighbors
For the last 20 years, in every place that I've lived, I've had noisy neighbors who woke me up during the night. This happened in the dorms at college (of course), two of the four places I lived in Arizona, my apartment in Japan, all four places I lived in California, and now in my apartment in Texas. Now I'm not a particularly light sleeper, but someone dribbling a basketball 20 feet from my bedroom window at 4am generally wakes me up.
Typically, these are people who are quiet all day long. Sometime around midnight, though, the party kicks in. Some have cranked the stereo full blast between 1am and 3am several nights a week. My current neighbors like to sit on their porch (which is about 20 feet from my bedroom window) and party, scream, shout, make cell phone calls (usually about drugs or their "f*cking time in prison"), or dribble a basketball.

In almost all the cases, I've asked them to quiet down with no real effect. My neighbors (three men living in a one bedroom apartment) in my duplex in Arizona are typical. They'd come roaring home in their giant four wheel drive at 11 pm each night (from where, I have no idea), launching it in the air by driving over the curb and parking in the front lawn. About midnight or 1am, long after I was asleep, they'd suddenly crank the stereo so loud that the walls would rattle. Then I'd drag my butt out of bed, eyes pasted half shut, throw on some clothes and stumble over to ask them to be quiet. "Sure, no problem buddy" they'd say, quite nicely. And it would get quiet. Then the entire scene would repeat again the next night, sometimes 4 times a week. Every single time I asked them to be quiet, they seemed surprised that they'd woken me (even when it was the 4th time that week).

Now I could dismiss this as some aberration, except that I've met with similar behavior almost every single place that I've lived. So I've wondered what's going on here. I think these people are either:

Stupid - Maybe they really don't understand how cranking the stereo at 2 am or screaming outside someone's bedroom window could wake someone. Even when you tell them, it doesn't make sense to them so they ignore it.
Long-term memory impaired - When they crank the stereo at 2 am, maybe they just can't remember that the last time they did it (24 hours ago) it woke the neighbors.
Unable to generalize - The thinking here goes something like this: "On Monday, I cranked the stereo at 2 am, it woke the neighbor and he told me to turn it down. On Tuesday, I cranked the stereo at 2 am, it woke the neighbor and he told me to turn it down. On Wednesday, I cranked the stereo at 2 am, it woke the neighbor and he told me to turn it down. Now it's Thursday, 2 am. . .Party Time!!!"
Complete assholes - They know that the noise will wake you, they know they are a pain in the ass, but they do it any way, because they just don't give a f*ck!
Whatever is going on here, I wish they'd just send these people to Chechnya or something.



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If you are a quality human being there is some modicum of rezpect for the neighbor that is directly attached to the duplex. Yet it seems that every time they see my lights are on it's time to run up and down the stairs and slam the doors closed.

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Back to bogker (boguspoker). Over the past few years I've adjusted my sleep schedule to deliberatley be up at odd for a Baby Boomer hours. Internet Poker gets a vacation while I use that time to fuck with the neighbors

Internet poker fraud evidence

There are three main categories in the proof of the fradulent nature of internet poker. First and foremost is the obvious lack of play by hot Asian chicks. There's just way too many of them out there for me to believe that I haven't ever braced up against a table with one of them.

Second is the suspicious "not playing like you really care about winning" aspect. On the first hand of this table three positions were involved. The famous 8 game on PokerStars that NOBODY but me ever even tries. The first of the eight is Triple Draw Lowball. As always the betting on this fixed limit game is raise, raise, raise every possible chance you get the first few hands.

The most raising (i.e. every chance was to the position on my immediate right which drew two cards every time.and eventually folded before the showdown. The eventual winner was a two pair on a lowball game beating an 8 high straight.

Let's assume for a minute that this is not rigged AI, even though other things like no chat over 100 hands was posted. The winner two to my right drew 1 card versus the player that stood pat for two consecutive draws with the 8 high straight. Lwt me guess this right - you already have a pair and you want to bluff. The straight holder wants to bluff. In 8 game you can easily drop more than a third of your chips on the first hand. I just don't buy it. Real people are not that stupid.

Finally, PokerStars owes me one hour and fifteen minutes of my life pretending that this table was for real. I toughed it out trying for third (not in the money) and watched as the improbable cards continued to show up in my hands. First ace not until Razz. And Omaha Hi-Lo shows up with four cards per player are dealt. The real damage is before the tourney started. Apologies for repition, but that's a sitter showing at a tourney about to start in less than a minute.

There's no menu options available to be regged in a game and sit out before the first hand is dealt. It's a given. You reg, you have to have at least one hand dealt to sit out. Just like the total lack of making sure the Time Bank rules work right, this continues to exist. This is hard evidence that things are going on beyond the card play that are bogus.

If you think that this nonsense can't happen on the real money tables...good for you delusional jackwipe.

Internet Poker hates me, I rolling

Now what one riggedy rigged second. The backdrop on tonight;s play - Xenu takes first on a 7-2 lowball draw game versus obviously rigged AI and decides to call it a night. Xenu gives the crack team of watching the iditot human drinking too much beer and ordering the new Twilight movie on demand on Comcast a little bit of attention and decides to play a couple of hands of Omaha Hi-Lo.

Omaha Hi-Lo is the game of choice for all in madness. Just like Kristen Stewart and Keanu Reaves are the equivalent of all in madness.

So when I first check the reg screens there's a billionith (real word) tables that have the table full with no waiting list. Seconds later the same billionith have the tables full with EXACTLTY one player waiting.

Cyber Stalkers.

You hate me, I hate you. And yet again the math is on my side for proving the unrealiticallity (real word) of this.

The only thing that even approaches the stupibogusity ( dog tells me this is also a real word) of internet poker is Scientology. And with Scientology being slammed left and right in the media the bogusificialiness of Internet poker has pretty much lost all it's crediblinosit.

Internet Poker Impossible Mode

When you have played as many hands as I have (more than 250,000) and you have even the most basic knowledge of statistics and probability it becomes easy to identify what I call internet poker impossible. I have the luxury of being able to goad whomever is running (or perhaps I should say ruining) the table into doing amazinbly stupid unreal bullshit.

Their arrogance never ceases to amaze me. They'd be a lot better off just leaving me alone. I'm stubborn to a fault, insanely competitve and smart enough to know exactly what the hell is going on.

I'm smart enough to recognize that my normal schedule is well known. I'm way to far away from retiring and nailing hot Asian babes in my Florida condo, so I still must keep some semblance of a normal schedule to function at work. After all, I choose to work to make my free money chips to pay my free money mortgage and free mone dog vet bills as opposed to trying to earn them online. That income is only secondary.

PokerStars also knows I have a predilection for 7-2 lowball, and for the past few weeks their response to my presence was a completely transparent rigging into impossible mode. Congratulations douchebags, you just bombed Pearl Harbor and awoke my fighting spirit. It took me a little longer than I would have liked, but I finally figured out what to do. I sat down with my crack team of pissed off retalitors (me and the dog and my fern plant) and came upon what should have been too obvious a solution. (Me and the dog have slowed down in our old age.)

On 7-2 lowball I was constantly being met with hands not worth calling, much less raising. KKQQA, pat ace high flush, pat straight, 88899, etc... The simple answer, your 5 card draw high hand wins games fill up pretty quickly. Deal with me there.

During weeks of impossible mode I hovered between 2k and 4k, playing lots of low level tables not worthy of my talent level, taking every tiny little bone I was fed. On Friday night I had less than 4k chips. I now have 60k, and on the weekend abused the high hand 5 draw game like crazy. I didn't count exactly how many sit and go's I played, it was probably between 15 and 20. 5 draw is a seven player game that only pays off two spots. My results - one table out of the money, one second, every other one 1st.

I'm not that good. Nobody is that good. It was a simple matter of realizing that my cards were locked on "high." So, I made some hay while the sun was shining. I managed to log into a 25k buy in game (after my online not placing in the money finish) and not surprisingly the quality of play was a joke.

Who do you "people" think you are kidding?

The dog is not laughing. Neither is Jarah.