Operation First at the Table

PokerStars sit and go games are an epic failure in regards to demonstrating real human activity. The betting is consistently like that of a spoiled, petulant rich kid who always gets what he wants. Doesn't matter if he loses. Dad will just write him a check. The friendly chat from 7 years ago is gone. Now that the base of players is filled with so few real people (because, yes - internet poker peaked years ago and is now on the decline, despite PokerStars fronting these amazing numbers of "biggest online tourney ever and lobby screens with 250k+ players) that real people aren't posting chat, including "Wow that was bogus!" And there's no need for the admins to chat on an all AI table. Tonight's one and only game was 7-2 lowball which included the following mistakes:

1) First hand winner two pair Ks and Qs, and someone called it and mucked their cards. That's something you don't see every day.

2) Same first hand winner was big blind on four consecutive hands. The original interface was programmed by the ancient Egyptians (the historical record is not completely clear on this, but Steven Wright assures us that is was a guy named "Eddie" and despite numerous updates to be installed and improve the software there is still a major bug out there.

3) First hand winner after playing several hands apparently still has no clue that it's low and raises all in on another two pair. There must have been a lunch somewhere.

4) After it becomes established that I'm not into buying into the reality (or lack thereof) of what is going on, it's down to four positions. Two active including an insurmountable chip leader, me and two sitters. The chip leader magnanimously folds as do I and we eliminate the sitters. Am I being tested about concern for chips? I showed it here, but in reality, no. I'll take second place, start another game or fart around here.

But I do have a suggestion for PokerStars. If you want to make it look for real, admit human nature, the laws of probability, dig up Eddie and tweak the program for registered players sitting at the table.

I've already played hundreds of sit and go tables since my return almost two years ago. I doubt any one of those I was ever the first to sit at the table when the game finally started. Now, it's been several weeks since my "outside the box investigative mind" has noticed that I never sit first has raised my Vulcan eyebrow. Not logical.

So, Operation First at the Table is on. Statiscally and probabilty-wise let's assume I sit at a sit and go table that averages 7 players. Therefore, statiscally, especially since I'm actively trying to click the "OK" button ASAP I should be first once every seven times. I have over 250k chips and I can buy into over 125 2k buy in games. Even if I lose it all, I will have 125 chances to be the first to sit at the table.

Now that I'm paying attention to this the trusty pad of paper will be recording exactly how many times I'm not the first. Since AI connected directly to the server trumps the minimum of a fraction of a second that a human (actively trying) can do I expect this number to be somewhere between zero and zero. With zero being the most likely outcome and zero being the second most likely outcome.

Poker pros - don't take my word for it. Take a break out of your busy lives and you try and do it. This ranks in unbelievability of the rash of innocuos names like "David113" and "George34" names that appeared on the medium buy in tables where they would reg - unreg seconds later, reg back in and unreg posted here a few months back.

My crack team of weirdness revealing experts (me, the dog, the Asian hottie pictured here and the still living members of the Monty Python troupe) think this is a sill walk down into wasting your time and money lane.