I only have four regrets in life

First and foremost, I can't prove this, so you'll just have to take my word. The chat on this table was complete bull-lacrosse. Actually, the lack of chat, too.

PokerStars has given every indication that they hate me, so I logged into Full Tilt, which is pretty much the only site I ever play Hold'em on anymore because the two table games are so weak on the reality thing. As is typical I became majorly short stacked after 20 hands before I finally started getting some decent hole cards and draws. During those first 20 hands it was a ghost town. Nobody said a peep. And with the weather being like it is Burundi one would think that geez, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!!

Oh, wait a second. Burundi was mentioned on NCIS tonight. And my memory is getting a bit hazy since the episode apparently didn't involve the weather, something about oil and stuff.

Regret #2 - Why oh my why and how does a two table game go this deep when there's no chat, and as soon as the final table starts there's a token number of lines posted? And reviewing the previous five lines before this screenshot there was NOTHING about a wager on who would finish 13th out of the money. There was a brief piece about checking the weather in Burundi, which you'll also have to take my word for, or just dismiss it as a random thought that popped into my head. That's your choice.

Regret #3 - Jarah has been curled up asleep in front of the fireplace and didn't get to see how despite the bull-lacrosse (added to Webster's 7/21/2008) that I still managed to take first and have over 300k on Full Tult. I'm sure that this doesn't bode well for FT as I can investigate a lot of high level tables. Me and my crack team of Jarah awakeners (me and the dog) tried licking her toes to wake her up, but to no avail. Between the PEA she's on now and the "hard to really try to do the job because of the smell" waking up Jarah is a toe jam bust. Her lawyers assure me that exposing this will not be to my favor.

Regret#4 - Ya dragged it out for a long time. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I'd join another one.

Tempered by the mistake of letting me take first and having 300k+

Tempered by the mistake of the wild swing in the Burundi weather where it looks like the Tsunami only injured 3 people with no deaths.

Tempered by the Burundi "Jarah Fan Club" acknowledgment of my donation.

Hey fans of rigged poker!

I have the luxury of not making this up. Since I have enough trouble with Jarah's lawyers I don't need the lawyers of these people screwing up my life.

I don't know how long this window will be open, but this has been going on for the past two days. Probably within hours of this post PokerStars will fix the bug.

For a giggle, go to the play money sit and go screen on PokerStars. Go to the 10k buy in table of 7-2 single draw with nobody sitting at it.

There are a horde of players that register and unregister within seconds. I feel soooo sorry for these players that they can't get a game going. Poker must be so important to them, and yet they can't get a full table. They can't even get a second person to join them. But, they do get to show off their classy special "I am a real person!" names. (Did you detect the sarcasm?)

OK, let me think for a second. A site with tens of thousands of people on it. Even if you're not going to play Hold'em....you want a break from the norm...you're going to register for 7-2 single draw. And unjoin after less than five seconds have elapsed. Bummer that the tale was empty. At least you got to show off that creative name which includes:

Tanner72
Asa53
Ahmed35
Kaleb63
Rhett94
Parker102
Kellen53
Cason33
Kelvin55
Aydan37
Cristian55
Davian51 (twice)
Santino15 (twice)
Mohammed45 (twice)
Karson62
Izaih29

Timeout, I'm not making this shit up. That's just a little bit weird that it's a first name and a male name always. And it's followed by a couple of numbers every time. Well, sure. Kellen has already been taken, so I'm Kellen55. And damn it! I'm going to register for a 10k buy in table! And unjoin after less then five seconds! That will teach them! I don't have to play on this rigged site! I have captions to put on lolcats! And, I'm going to call all my friends and let them know how fun this is!

Derrick50
Jai35
Isai39 (twice)
Johnathon58 (twice)
Rashad96
Stanley91 (twice)
Mathias55
Adolfo65
Tyrell74
Salvador106
Ashton93 (twice)
Addison26 (twice)
Mitchell73 (from Denmark!)
Joaquin45

Timeout. I'm getting a bit tired of the table being empty. A couple of hands of cards would be nice. Maybe it will be fun to watch people register and unregister and show off their cool poker names.

Marlon103 (twice)
Jaxson88 (twice)
Seastian58
Kian106
Dante62 (twice)
Brennen79 (twice)
Ezekiel104 (twice)
Harrison54 (twice)
Kendrick30
Colin107(twice)
Micah12

And even my almost infinitie patience level got fed up within th 10 minutes that this went on, Although I did want to blog on this before getted two drunked. Bekause I still has my PEA prblm. Probly a good thing I din't sit ata tabl with dos guys, all teh cool names and stuff, theid probly kick my ass.


If you can't populate a table with real people, don't offer it. Or ban me from the site if you don't want me there. (Well, actually you can't because that will only prove my point more since I've been a perfect gentleman recently.)

Within a couple of minutes, my favorite picture of Jarah.

I finally understand

The reason the poker play is so bad has become obvious. Me and my crack team of psychologists (me and the dog) have finally figured out that I'll whine about it...

and put up a new picture of Jarah!

Okay Asian crack addicts (I'm sure I'll regret that the vulgar double entedre(sp?) the next time her lawyers call,) here's one last one

And let us not forget the pretty picture of a 10k buy in sit and go where someone obviously didn't have a clue. I would have loved to recorded this game for its total insanity. Now remember, 10k buy in. Far above the first time I've played on the site 1k buy in. The first hand doesn't just have a player bluffing all-in with a pair of aces, it has a call with a pair of aces!

Lots of jokes where thrown around over the next few hands on how stupid alessa was. And the stupidity was exaggerated by the fairly obvious play to make me lose instead of playing to win nonsense I've grown used to. Since it was obvious I was being screwed over I nuked and joined another slightly less 7-2 low tourney I managed to finish 2nd on.

Which included a lot of taunting from place #3 about my lack of skill. Including responding to my unposted chat about his faggy lack of skill.

Don't do that to me. You really want me to play on Absolute, Ultimate, etc... instead of painting a bullseye on yourself. The worse it gets, the more time I'm going to spend researching, and damn the evidence here is approaching the stastically overwhelming level.

Since there are still some 13 year olds playing looking for pretty pictures of Jarah I offer this. Me and my crack team of looking for hot asian chick pictures have discovered this:

tradepokerfreemoneychipsforhotasianbabepictures.com

You don't ever have to view this again.

1000 chips gets you the newest SI swimsuit picks (oops forgot, there is a 50 chip free money admin fee, gotta process those free money chips and someone has to be paid so they can get more Jarah pics.)

5000 chips gets a limited selection of Jarah lingerie pics. This is worth it because Jarah is smoking hot, but you need to balance into the equation that you might not be able to buy in to that poker room that you intend to play like a braying jackass and lose and go down to the 1k buy in.

10000 chips gets you a complete set of all Jarah's nude pics. All 0 of them. Me and another crack team of hot asian babe investigators (me,, the dog, a Mormon babe named Julie)have done this and it has been far more disappointing then playing against artificial intelligence

100,000 chips

Buy the legal documents about Jarah's restraining order against me. Currently avaialble on Jarahhates xenu.com.

UltimateBet blackjack and PokerStars 7-2 single draw lowball

Oh yeah Ultimate, I still play Elimination Blackjack. A lot. The beauty of this game for my purposes is that you can't raise me. Well kinda, but only in a sideways manner. I usually get in two sit and goes a night. Although the program is vastly improved, the same old problems are still there since the bogus beta testing.

There are still too many bad blackjack moves. Tonight I even saw a player take a hit on a soft twenty and lose. Just because you can bet without busting, doesn't mean you should. And with playing so many tourneys these past weeks and so little success I've come to question my skills.

Not.

I'm pretty sure this is a repeat of an old post, so my apologies to those that have heard it before. Over these past two weeks the sit and goes play out like a game of Dungeons and Dragons where the DungeonMaster has created what is called a "Monty Haul" dungeon. This is where the active characters are all level 3 or less, but have the aid of level 45 nymph Jarah with her 52 charisma lulling the level 60 red dragon to sleep with her beauty, then the low level dungeon dwellers either just take the sleeping wyrm's money or even kill it to pick up a few bogus experience on the way. Playing like an idiot is far too often rewarded. And, that's what I did tonight to break a massive losing streak and finished third and in the money.

If a serious player, this guy how wouldn't have bet 25k, split and lost (granted it wasn't that bad a move) would have recognized here's the perfect opportunity with a pat twenty to get back in the running, but instead pushed the envelope and split his pat twenty and was eliminated on the second hand.

Yes, I recocnize the paltry 1000k buy in for these. But there is no excuse for not trying to win and playing like you are going to lose it all, rebuy at their gracious 1000k gimmee and do it all over again. If you're that bad at gambling, it's time to move on and write captions on lolcats pictures.

Apologies to Jarah for probably underestimating her charisma.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I like single draw lowball on PokerStars. PokerStars KNOWS I like it. PokerStars knows I spend a significant time of my wakeful hours playing it. PokerStars for the past few weeks has really been rigging big time. I just broke a massive losing streak of bringing my "A" game to the table and dropping from 140k to 28k tonight. Jarah and I will be seeing you. One more bonus pic of Jarah. Remember, she is watching and her massive charisma and the math is on MY SIDE. Screw you Red Dragons. I'll take my hot Asian babe anytime

Who is #1?

I am not a number, I'M A FREE MAN!

Patrick McGoohan, God rest his soul. Best show ever. But I can't just watch The Prisoner and Asian porn for entertainment, every once in a while it would be relaxing to enjoy a couple of hands of cards. With real people.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about a bad beat and finishing just out of the money. Especially since I only play free money tables.

I can't and never will believe that I can have success on real money tables when I see the kind of bs I see here. I should play for real money, because it's not just some all-in infinite chip stack slam fest. But I won't. The home court advantage is huge.

After getting dicked over all morning long, a nice nap later, I encounter this table. (I bounce around a lot.)

Some fucking moron who isn't at the table posts in blue letters, which you can only do if you are at the table. So much for a couple of hands of cards, I'm outta here.

Me and my crack team of math experts (me and the dog) have developed a formula for how many real people are playing. Displayed total divided by 1000 and add 400.

So which site is the worst? Pokerfrauds just vaulted into the lead.

Let's do a quick review of the past couple of weeks, especially regarding PokerStars.

You've given every signal possible that you know my favorite games, one in particular. You've given every signal that you know my normal log in times, which until my PEA kills my liver has been adjusted on purpose to log in at all kinds of odd hours. On all sites. It's just that your my current fave.

I play for two months on PokerStars free money tables, and the chat is a ghost town. Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of me. All the sites have some kind of a "find the player" option. After they've read this blog, I get the joy of now playing against a lot of real humans again. Real humans who in this "I need instant gratifrication" world chose to play the same bs sit and ago that lasted 2 hours and forty minutes. The same instant gratification requirements that lets you sit in on a multi player tourney with damn near 2000 players where 1200 are gone within 15 minutes.

I'm not complaining about the lack of a single chat post in tonight's two hour forty minute marathon. I've pretty much grown to hate the stupididity of it the past 7+ years. I don't need any praise to validate my poker skills. (Oh, yeah, I did take first.) But I likes to sees it as proofs that I'm not justs playings againsts computers.

I dislikes givings alls of my trickses aways here, but after the two week period of beings bullseyeds I'll throws this ones out here.

(Annoyed by the pluraliztion, yet?)

It'sd a simple matter of looking at the sit and go reg screen and being the last player to fill the table. That way all of the players that you are on the buddy list of can't get into it. This can and will be duplicated. Present me with real humans, random cards, none of Jarah's lawyers for putting the picture of her perfect ass on this post, I will get bored and move on.

The bottleneck factor

I'm not talking about Jarah's perfect 34-23-33 figure.

Imagine a 40k max buy-in table where 2 "players" have more than 1.5 mil, another is just south of 1 mil, 2 others have over half a million. For arguments sake, let us imagine that these "players" have been drinking Mountain Dew for 12 hours and have played hundreds of poker hands for those 12 hours. Let's throw in someone with 250k just for good measure. And a sitter, that's cool.

The result is a table with more vacuums than feeders, and despite the chat that didn't make any sense I have to call bullshit on this table.

Supplementing the vacuums, the wait list is 10 deep. The other way for new money to flow to the table is "players" with infinite chips going all in and rebuying. I'm talkin' about you Stare111, I watched this bogus table for more than an hour.

I get a great starter hand with A2 and go all in and naturally lose. These "players" don't have my lack of patience (sarcastic) and they wait till they have a lock and go all in only when the deal is sealed.

I can and will take advantage of the bottleneck. It's a simple matter of looking for the biggest waiting list, joining it and then folding to slow the AI vs. AI game down.

At one time the wait list was 16 "players". So many people willing to go all in and lose. Unreal.

Hands per minute

Ignore that man behind the curtain. This is Oz. Ignore Jarah. She is using her 21 charisma to distract you. (Dungeons and Dragons reference suggested by the dog, not my fault.)

I do not, and I never will, feel the need to sit at a really high stakes to try and grow. In fact, internet free money table poker tends to play like strategy games like Diablo. Gain experience (chips) get new weapons, meet up with the boss monster on the level, and if you've been a good boy or girl or dog, advance to the next level. Trying to advance on my 3.5 million on Absolute has been more painful than passing that kidney stone.

Since I'm fairly random and not concerned about growing as much as the chips, I do tend to investigate other tables. And I always search for what looks the most unreasonable. And I find it.

I started this night on Seward because there was 120+ hands played per hour. Even though this is a turbo table, that's a huge amount of hands, 2 per minute. Willing to lose I wanted to see if the pace would be maintained. It wasn't. When I entered the table people that must have been reacting instaneously to maintain the pace suddenly "have to let the dog in" and sit for 15 seconds before making their poker move. And in general, just wait to see what they can do to make my life uncofmoratble. The upside is that the speed prevented any really obvious rigging.

Table #2, I've switched to yet another 120+ per hour table. Rinse and repeat.

Table#3, you guessed it, another table that slows down, apparently just because of me.

Let's talk about the slow down opposition. Are you scared of me? You should be. But for the amount of hands against people that I've supposedly never met before there's just way too much betting action. Impress me by folding a hand every once in a while. Because even tonight, you logged in, raised and got your ass kicked by someone other than me.

Poker is a competitive game, not a "I'm all in" game.

Single Draw on PokerStars and Naming Rules, again

I must reminisce about the good (hah! right) old days and give Absolute a bit of attention. Considering my intense argument with PokerStars this weekend and being painted with a big bullseye last night, tonight (which is far from done) was a perfect time to take a break from PokerStars.

I play a lot. I mean stupid waste of time I'm addicted a lot. But, only to watch thousands of ersatz players be so willing to play uncompetively. With the amount of effort I put into this, and thinking "outside the box" I've developed an arsenal of tricks that has prevented me from losing to bad beats and goading the other players into tipping their hand that they have some major support above and beyond random cards and Goddess Jarah.

Patience, persistence and a little tiny bit of more patience.

Going into Friday night I had about 150k on PokerStars. I've already identified that the 7-2 single draw lowball game is a little bit disturbing. Suddenly, after dozens of sit and go games the chat has become the single biggest thing in the history of the planet except for my dog realizing that trapping himself in the bathroom is not good and that Jarah is flawless.

Xenu loses. Xenu loses again. Xenu loses again, and again and again. And this is while continuing to play "real poker" and the flop cards and draws just do not work.

Now, since you've pissed me off about as much as possible, you have earned extra attention. On Sunday I won back all the chips I lost on Saturday.

I hate getting repetitive here, but geez guys. If one sit and go starts off with a player who obviously doesn't know the rules trading chips to someone that turns into a bully, that's weird, but acceptable. If it happens twice, OK, having a bad night, OK. if it happens 10 times, now we have obviously presented ourselves as bogus. And, not tonight, but later this week, I will get back to you on this PokerStars. And you've earned a bit of Operation Sit and Go for your efforts.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAR

As mentioned, I purposefully avoided PokerStars and my bullseye tonight. Someone needs to deal with me, so I took my 3.5 million chips to Absolute for the first time in ages and sat in at my beloved Omaha Hi-Lo. The table wasn't too bad. I did receive far less Aces other than the statiscal norm. I only won 30k. One tiny problem. I did have to fold way too many hands because of pre-flop dumbass raising.

The problem is what I'll call, "The Pustule Syndrome."

The Pustule Syndrome is the proven fact that there are thousands of players out there that have nothing better to do with their lives than sign up for an internet poker site and make up a ridiculous user name. On both Full Tilt and the merged UB and AP, there are 9 players that have named themselves synonyms of Pustule and Pustule itself. As I was investigating that, I found that virtually every combination of 2 and 3 letters was already taken.

Yet, here is RAR, who has popped up before. Being a feeder and raising like a jackass into the obvious vaccuum Refer.

The dog and Jarah both find it amusing that RAR decided to waste ten minutes of his life feeding the pot. I'm not so amused, except that Jarah has been tickling me with a feather for the last two hours and I'm so close to exploding into the most intense moment of my life.

Warning: Off to UB for bogus blackjack

Feeder RAR.

No pretty pictures except Jarah

This is going to be one of those 'Take my word for it without hard evidence" posts. I could have had some pretty poker pictures, except, surprisngly sometimes I just want to relax and play some cards.

This weekend on PokerFrauds was out of control.

The guilty parties know who they are (if the are real humans) and the most recent innovation in the realm of not playing to win, but playing to make me lose is the chip trade on the first hand cheat.

I sat in on a 10k buy in sit and go lowball draw table and some dumb ass called (CALLED!) a respectable low with a 9 to king staight. What wasn't surprising is that the recipient of this gift played like it was the first time they ever had the chip lead. And didn't finish in the money

And this is the way it's been for 48 hours.

I saw Watchmen on Friday.
You think I'm locked up into playing your rigged tables on your rules. No, you're locked up with me. I ca, and will find ways to make you uncomfortable. Hell, I don't even have to create new ways, I've already got it figured out.

Part 2 - I NEVER call Jarah Mariano "hun"

And for waiting to register with all this in and out nonsense, my reward was a table where apparently everyone knew each other and the chat was insane from hand one. And get this, this reall proves my point....NOT A SINGLE PERSON MENTIONED JARAH MARIANO!

OK, I know you're getting sick of that by this point, but dang she sure is pretty.

I spend my time on not just one, not just two....FIVE different sites. (This has been posted a ways back.) On Four of them, whenever the terms of endearment pop up it's ALWAYS "Hun" with a "U". It's almost never "Honey" or "Hon" or "Cupcake" or "Cow Femur Bone" (sorry, dog's suggestion) " guy with the great 401k plan" (also the dog, he doesn't know what's going on in the market) "Pookie", "Sparkler", "Gorgonzola" (pet name Jarah used to call me) "Biscuit" (another dog suggestion) "Potable" (Oohhh, you want to eat me?)

Or maybe, you might want to acknowledge me by my screen name amidst your volley of "nhs" and "tys" that you throw out on these massive chat session tables. Or maybe you can't because I'm right and it's all pre-programmed. Or maybe I'm right and Jarah is a Goddess and she seeks my validation on her Goddesshood and is waiting for me to build a temple in her favor.

Make you a deal Jarah. The temple will be built when the cards are random, because it sure as goronzola ain't so right now.

(I didn't want to say gorgonzola...dog threatened me.)

Real people registering? I don't think so. Part 1

In my never ending quest to remain not too predictable I've been playing fixed limit 1 table sit and go fixed limit stud Hi-Lo on PokerStars.

Yes, I know the rules, I know the strategy. And in the tournaments I've played this week I've received exceptionally crappy cards, at times I thought I might finish in the top three, but it wasn't meant to be.

The usual problems are there. The first several dozen hands are never winners. Playing short stacked eventually you get to the point where you have to consider going all-in (because the limits get huge) and you die by bad beat.

Nice for a change of pace, but for my purposes fixed limit stud doesn't work because I fold before I can see that the winners were raising on crap and I don't know what my final hand was in a no-limit game.

But there are other things to bust on. I have to believe that Stars has recognized my predilection for this game the past few nights. There is only ever one table registering for the sit and go and something like four or five games running.

So as I park myself on the reg screen waiting for a new game to open up, I'm met with this succession of nonsense.

Hunter is "anchored" at the table. Within a period of minutes a parade of players register and unregister for the game. The screenshots don't fully prove this, but I'm sure I (and everyone else) can duplicate this if I(we) want to.

So as I'm watching this I have to reflect on what these other suppossed real humans are doing. Within a matter of 10 seconds or less, I'm going to register for the same tourney that the critic is likely to play at, then I'm going to unregister. Repeat multiple times. The screenshot process takes long enough that there's no way I can catch all of them, but these multiple bogus positions did it over and over and over again.

Even without significant chat (see part two) the games just reek of pre-programmed play.