T8steslikechicken

When your threatened by a stranger

When it looks like you're in danger

When it looks like you will take a lickin'

There is someone waiting

Who will hurry up and rescue you,

Just squawk, for t8tseslike chicken

Prelude - I have come off of the most intense "you lose because we hate you" internet poker campaign in these past two weeks. And I love it. The more unreasonable the table, the more I love it. However, chips are a necessary evil. So, now that I've lost 300k in these two weeks on UB I have turned more towards my cautious and patient approach of watching the table instead of serious play.

Given their penchant for the obvious joke names during the glorious and oh so obviously bogus blackjack days I reall have to consider this to be another joke name taunt. "You aren't manly enough to call every hand and see the flop despite obviously stupid heavy raising." Well gee, I'm not. I think the objection to my play is that I hardly ever raise. First off, my hole cards and the flop haven't matched anywhere near enough the past two weeks. Second, when they do match - there's always someone there to do the raising for me.

Because it's fixed limit and I ALWAYS get to see the cards of the winners and far too few hands below what would be statiscally normal for a full Hi-Lo table. The real miracle is that in my last two sessions I actually won 25k.

Weird name pick

First of all, I have still been playing a lot of fixed limit Omaha Hi-Lo on UB. This morning's session was strange, to say the very least. The-Squirrel, who I have played with before whined about not going all-in on a winning hand - on a fixed limit game. This was a 1000-2000 bet table. One could assume that he knows what he's doing. Strangely, he uses the phrase "all in" instead of saying "I wish I had raised." I'll give you some points for normalcy on this one. Drunk, stupid, or just not with the lingo.

The Squirrel switched seats, as if this has any impact on the game. Watched for two hands and was gone.

Now, I sat at this table for damn near two hours and this is really weird. I came here to post about squirrel, found my screenshot was gone and within a minute the entire table I was playing on was gone. Suddenly, 5 or 6 people that were interested in my chips instead of playing real poker breathed a sigh of relief and called it a night.

Now, to the main topic of the post.

Naming. What do you call yourself? Do I make it based on my real name? Do I call myself Pustule? Since it's rigged AI do I just let the server pick a name at random based on some vague poker related name?

Callitorfold3

There's no user called Callitorfold

No user called Callitorfold1

No user called Callitorfold2

What the hell is the 3 for?

And this is the tie in to the first part of this post. Game admins can instantly manufacture a new "player" which generally makes your life miserable instead of playing real poker. "ey, you're not allowed to have more than 100k chips, what are you doing here? I'm going to toggle cheat mode and prove I'm a better poker player than you are!"

No. You aren't And especially, don't try and cheat me at Omaha Hi-Lo. I've played more of that than Hold"em. My pre-flop skills (when it's for real) are a 9.5 on a scale of 1-10. My pre-flop skills when it's not for real (heavy raising) are a 10. You would be better served by just leaving me alone instead of manufacturing obviously bogus players like Naught_Est that won way too many hands in the first few he/she sat at the table while I struggled to basically break even.

Kudos to UB

I gave them a pretty long vacation from me since Absolute and Full Tilt had been so bad. Lately I've been messing with them a bit and strangely.....

The high level fixed limit Omaha Hi-Lo games have been pretty reasonable. I win some hands, I lose some hands. I fold hands that should be folded. I call hands that speculate and I occasionally catch and win. I don't catch and I lose. There are still some players that call almost every hand without a logical pre-flop fold that make me wonder how they got enough chips to sit at the table. But, gone are the days of the fixed limit RAISE RAISE RAISE RAISE bingo/lotto bs.

So, since the Omaha has been too normal I've also tried some attempts at the Elimination Blackjack which is probably my all time favorite story on rigged internet games.

EB was put out in Beta testing long before it should have been. The "players" were obviously pre-programmed to act a certain way based on their cards. I feasted on how these players universally split ten value cards every single freaking time they got. Now, that is gone and a little bit more rationality has entered the balckjack.

Thank you for proving my point. Ultra-aggressive play on truly random cards is a losing proposition. And there are still way too many tables that think that BETMAX, BETMAX,BETMAX, etc... is the way to gamble. Because you are like Freckledmom and with the click of a button you have millions of chips. You don't have to work for them like I do.

Also, if the elimination BJ on UB was random players and real betting, why haven't they offered it at a higher buy in then 1000k? Because they're still working on the AI and they haven't had enough play-testing from sane players like me to be sure that someone doesn't score hundreds of thousands/millions of free money chips off of it.

They will try to make me believe that the screenshot of the insane double-down was just someone not paying attention. I know this ultra-aggressive player was just pre-programmed that way.

You're welcome for the vacation

Absolute had a nice couple of weeks away from me. Full Tilt was being nasty and I had to teach them a lesson.

But, as always, you can find these tables with players having huge chip stacks compared to the minimum buy in. Soooo many players with so big stacks over 20k. And I'm dealt two aces in the first 19 hands and it's bingo all the way instead of real poker. Please adjust you're settings before you go to bed.

Tiny Freckled

When I last left off here, Freckledmom was an unstoppable poker machine for several weeks, close to a month. Also, playing the bingo heavy raising game. Then, after an incredible losing streak, despite being in the 10 million chip hall of fame, you can only find her at the baby tables.

Perhaps because FOLDING a hand every once in a while makes a little bit of sense. Of course, though, you are playing to make me lose, not playing to win, right?

Think about thaqt for a minute - 10 million chip hall of fame, now you're rebuying in at 2k, when you're previously winning play, although terribly irrational was working for you.

Bot.

Timing out

I lost the screen shot, but it doesn't prove a thing anyway.

I have the Full Tilt Omaha Hi Lo program pretty well figured out. It starts off with a lot of heavy raising (on crap.) My favorite table this weekend was a classic. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but count 'em FIVE different positions timed out every single hand for more than half an hour.

Glad I have your attention. Although I should get royalties since I have a copyright on that. When things become obviously bogus, which is at least 25% of the time I've been known to voice my displeasure by giving the children a big timeout. That table didn't bother me...I had a movie going, fresh off a nap, clean and sober (for an hour), no chat posted that they were trying to teach me a lesson, but I could just tell that it was for my benefit.

Probably because since they have been my number one target they've given every indication they know when my favorite log in time is, and I purposefully have been playing at what are for me odd hours. Including a Friday 12:30 pm EST log in that I won 55k on the first hand. After winning another 10k or so there were indications that I needed to be dealt with, but the damage was already done.

And after winning 10k on Ultimate stud tonight, (yes, I am proficient in all variants of poker) I now have over 400k on the three main sites I'm playing on.

Up to you guys, make it random and real poker, or keep trying to simply make me lose. Remember, as with the Absolute posts earlier, the worse it is, the more you're up on my radar screen.

2 big time out probs

Allegedly my connection on Full Tilt was not up to the standard tonight. Three times I was disconnected.

The first problem can be explained away by the recent upgrade. Maybe now, you no longer get 45 seconds to reconnect and play. I didn't get my 45 seconds, reconnected and was folded and sitting out.

The second was a burp.

The third was very strange.

Reload to the first table - Omaha Hi-Lo (of course) 29 hands go by. Assuming a statistical average of 1.5 winners per hand with a low splitter and an average table size of 7 out of 9 players I should win 5 hands or so. I won one. Hands folded that would have one - zero. And I can tell this, because even though this is no limit there's almost always a showdown. And I get to see the crappy cards other peeps are betting on.

The second timeout comes up and I escape for a few enjoyable turns of Civilaztion, re-log in and expect to have to suffer from more heavy folding. Wow! I won 25k on the third hand! And the game had not degenerated into lotto several hands later.

Then, I timed out again, rebooted, logged in.....the table was gone. Viewed all of them. None of the player names I was up against was there at any 100-200 no limit games within two minutes of the third time out.

Here's an option for you FT - don't just create bogus tables and shut them down when things don't go your way. Just ban me.

Of course, since I'm not posting profanity like the Observers do on the Patrik Antonious Table I've been watching every once in a while or complaining about only one winner when statistically I should have five, maybe you just can't.

It's real simple. Even with AI, statistically random cards. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Bingo/Lotto - big time oops

For weeks I have sat at 100-200k buyin all-in Omaha Hi Lo tables on Full Tilt. Because Absolute provided so much joy with Freckledmom and how going all in every hand really just is not smart poker. But apparently unsmart poker is the way to go and I'm supposed to believe the entire poker playing community thinks thats the way to go. And these successful people that have built up these huge chip stacks are so unconfident of their own play that they won't take their show onto the real money tables.

And the first thing that happens to me when I try to login to Full Tilt tonight is that there's an update that needs to be loaded.

My what a surprise. Suddenly the table loaded with lots of rebuys and new 'players' is for the most part conservative and non-lotto oriented. I haven't seen this many checks since the last hockey game I watched. No personality. 1 hour 45 minutes, absolutely no chat. There was one lotto player, Vermonsta, that I've seen before, that naturally kicked ass.

Overall it's pretty silly that all of a sudden real human players change their style overnight coinciding with a server update.

I'm a "lotto" (bingo) player??!!!!???? You really must be frigging kidding.

Dear Full Tilt:

Please work on the chat. It's so inconsistent with the table play. I do not expect or need to be complimented every time I win a big hand. But for weeks now "nhs" and "tys" have been flying around the table between all the other 'players' except me. Generally, my existence is ignored. Which is fine by me. I win so few hands that it's like pulling teeth.

And a typicasl session goes like this one -

45 hands of Omaha Hi-lo - 16 had at least one ace. Ordinarily one would be in hog heaven and raising constantly and pulling in big bucks. Only one would have won a micropot with two pair. That one had two As, the other was a loser. Two hands with As were decent. One early, one late.

The early one was during the middle of what I'd like to call the "wildagain" incident, since that was the 'player's' screen name. Constant pre-flop raising, constantly working. Built himself up to 55k. In the middle of a lotto table where everyone is playing like an idiot, except me....fold....fold...fold....23445, ok call that one, nah flop sucked, fold. And magically, the game switched.....(yeah magically, right) where 'everyone' at the table started playing more rationally. Lots of new faces, but previously aggressive wild turtles up and starts playing rationally, too. And loses to the new players betting pre-flop. The whole stack.

After lots more conservative play on my part I finally draw a nuts flush and I'm in positive point flow territory for the night. With a table virtually devoid of chat I post how I should call it quits while I'm ahead. Which I don't do right away.

And some f***ing a**hole posts something like I'm the worst lotto player ever.

No, douchebag, I've forgotten more about Omaha than you'll ever learn. Again, I've suffered through another ridiculous night of hopelessly impossible cards and untalented play, just happened to be awake at that one screaming moment where I could win a few chips.

And I will continue to fold like crazy playing "let's pretend I'm wrong" and watching supposedly real people drop hundreds of thousands of chips each night just to make my life miserable.